I can dress myself

Random pictures from Lagoon in August.

We rode the train 2x. I felt like a small child and didn't mind a bit. Sometimes I feel like I am easy to entertain and it's easy to make me happy.

Giving Esmeralda a drink because she was thirsty.

I feel like after yesterday's post, I should at least mention that sometimes a fantasy is better than the reality and I recognize that I play into that a bit sometimes. Realize that there are other things which have contributed to my feeling a huge sense of loss in my life, but because this blog is being read by many, I want to spare some hard feelings if not all of them. It's easy to judge that which you see but hard to understand that which you cannot. Enough said, moving on.


I feel like I have some solid friendships which I have been building these past few months. I took an extra long lunch today and went to Smith's for a specific purpose- to purchase Corn Nuts! I love serving others and this was my chance, let me explain:
I work inside a hotel. There is a gentleman who sits in a booth all day collecting tickets and money for the parking garage. He has some kind of brain damage although I'm not quite sure what, how, or why. He is one of the nicest, light-spirited people you will meet. He is happy. I have known him for a year and a half. He has recently started passing me food telling me he wants me to be happy too. I cannot pass away a kind deed without an expression of gratitude. Today I found out Mike likes original Corn Nuts so I went to Smith's on my lunch break. The only aisle I needed to travel on and I ran into my friend Nic. That was a nice surprise to add to my day. I went back and left the Corn Nuts on Mike's desk since he was at lunch. I like doing nice things for people not because they are on my to do list but because service is good for my soul.


I have really been into soup lately. Last week I had 5 bowls of soup in 3 days. This week I've only had 1... but I wanted to get soup today, does that count? When I was a kid growing up in AZ, I would wear shorts in the winter and pants in the summer. I don't follow the norm very well.


Amy xoxo

"Save Me"
by Remy Zero

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside
When they pull you under

And I would give you anything you want, no
You were all I wanted and all my dreams are fallin' down
Crawlin' 'round, 'round and 'round

Somebody, save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody, save me
I don't care how you do it

Just stay, stay, come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pull me under

And I would give you anything you want, no
You were all I wanted and all my dreams have fallen down
Crawlin' 'round, 'round and 'round

Somebody, save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody, save me
I don't care how you do it

Just stay, stay, come on
I've been waiting for you

Crawlin' 'round, 'round and 'round

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it

Just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
Just save me, save, come on
I'm still waiting for you

Ps Working out by myself isn't the funnest thing in the world but I do enjoy working out

Come with me and I'll show you what life can be

What are my desires?
I feel like a small portion of the people that I know, truly know, understand and appreciate the real Amy. That's not to say I try to be elusive, that's to say there are many facets which make up me. Has there ever been a song which so uniquely describes you, that speaks to you on so many levels? Undisclosed Desires permeates my persona on many levels. So if you believe I am mysterious, maybe this will give you some insight?

The blog link posted below reminded me of my goal to purge what I own by 50%. For me, getting rid of things I own is like destroying memories; it's very emotional for me.
http://blog.wantingwhatyouhave.com/2008/12/what-black-friday-really-means.html

Going along with this emotional process of feeling a sense of loss when I throw things away, today I am feeling that emotion deepen with the departure of my sister who is going back to her native home of AZ. Wow, long sentence. With the recent death of my loved one and the death of my relationship with Adam in a period of two months, I am feeling sadness. Everyone needs a time to completely grieve and I feel like this is my time to wrap it all up into a giant spitwad and throw it up at the ceiling (not at the teacher because that would be mean). My desire to move on from Cindy's death is present but my desire to move on from Adam himself is not there like it was in these previous two months without him. Sure you can say it's because I am not dating anyone solidly, but I think it's something more than that. It's not that I miss my relationship with him, it's this feeling that I miss HIM. You win universe, great lesson for teaching me patience. I submit.
I wish I could see the breaking point. I do know that I must first have a desire in order to accomplish anything. I just don't know if I will ever gain or want to gain the desire to move on from Adam. Eventually there will be a breaking point and it's intense to think about what side will capture the flag.

I needed this note I happened upon this morning which was written a bit ago:

Amy, you are the most unassuming, kindest, most caring and loving person I think I've ever met. You make me feel wanted, desired and cared for more than any person I've ever known. You make me feel appreciated, you make me feel understood, and I know that you simply want to make me happy and that means the world to me. I want you to know and feel the same things. All of them. I had really started to believe that the qualities you possess naturally didn't actually exist in any girl and it was such a wonderful wake-up call to meet you and get to know you and see that I was so wrong. And I'm really happy we have so much time to get to know each other better. Thank you for being you, and thank you for taking a chance with me.

What does this note say about me but more importantly, what does this note say about the person who wrote it? My biggest pet peeve is inconsiderateness. After the death of our relationship, his thoughts and actions have continued to prove to me just how considerate he is. A lot of his beautiful qualities have been illuminated by the mere presence of other crooks in my life. Is that too strong of a word, crooks? I feel like the protagonist from the song "How to Love" by Lil Wayne. "You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart; Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out". My life in a daily nutshell is about accepting the things I cannot change and figuring out how to accomplish my dreams. Everyday I learn how to love more fully through my challenges which I am grateful for.

Amy xoxo

"Undisclosed Desires"
by Muse

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Ps Susan and I make a great pie team

Sassafras

My weekend in pictures

Courtney and I went to Haley's maquerade surprise birthday party! Courtney and I made our masks with help from my sister. I think Courtney's mask turned out better so I will have to post her mask soon when I get those pictures off of Liisa's camera. Can you tell mine is a butterfly?

Jenn, Haley, me, Les, and Dianne. These are girls are as beautiful inside as they are out! I have fun with them and trust them a lot.

Lesley and Haley's masks

I met Claude last December. I haven't seen him in ages! I love how my candy tongue matches his red shirt.

Don't let the sexy look fool you, I have sweaty armpits. Models never have sweaty pits.

Lightening from last night's storm

Sitting at work today like I always do!
*******

The last 24 hours have been exciting:

*Witnessed a baby deer get hit Bambi style by an SUV.
*Watched a neat thunder storm with my friends Jack and Andrew.
*Watched helplessly as a creepy sexual dream about my coworker invaded my mind.

I thought about elaborating on all of these experiences, but no.

http://www.goodfinancialcents.com/urbanathlon-training-mens-health-chicago/

This is a website I found which describes the race I will be participating in come November.

A secret about me- I've never felt much like an Amy before. I prefer nicknames like Spaghetti, Muffy, Amelia Bedelia, Amerie, Chipmunk, Blondie, and Chicken nugget queen.

Conversations this week:

Liisa to Amy: I think you're too much woman for him.
Amy to Liisa: I think I'm too much woman for a lot of people.
Liisa to Amy: Which means you're gonna get a whole lotta man!

Amy to Jack and Andrew: You guys coming to the munch and mingle activity after church today?
Andrew to Amy: Yes, I'm a natural mingler.
Jack to Amy: Yes, I'm a natural muncher.

I want to end with a poem I wrote. The date doesn't really matter because the feelings are universal and can apply to many:

I saw you after you saw me. I noticed your eyes looking in my direction. Could have been because of me, but maybe not. I am single and you are not. I could like you, but maybe not. Sweet glances continue and perpetuate the fever bliss. Maybe this bliss will blister. Pin pop the festering emotions and release me. I don't want to sleep, I want to think about you. Perhaps dreams are better in the day so I can remember. I hope you can touch my soul in a way no one can, the way I am seeking. Fire spliting soul touching. Make my passionate youth stop and burn into another flame, the candle you cradle. I want to feel the heat inside.

Amy xoxo

"Up All Night"
by Blink 182

[Verse 1]
Everyone wants to call it, all around our life with a better name.
Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same.
Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their heart.
And everyone gets the chills the kind that kills, when the pain begins to start.

[Chorus]
Let me get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night [x2]

[Verse 2]
Everyone’s cross to bears the crown they wear on endless holiday.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.
Everyone works and fights stays up all night to celebrate the day.
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.

[Chorus]
Let me get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night [x3]
They keep me up all...

Ps You can nickname me what you like

Beautiful but never satisfied

Another comment at dinner last night about my head being mixed up in the clouds. Perhaps I need someone who can handle me and the craziness I bring (crazy in a good way meaning crazy minus the drama). Yes, thank you. I need someone who will ground me a bit. For now, I'll continue to float! I am 100% single right now. 100% can be used in combination with a variety of words. 100% fruit juice is a positive. You be the judge about singleness.

Today's Friday is like the cherry on top of my week! Things in my life are going smoothly and when challenges pop up which I don't like, I have solid footing to handle them. So like I say, bring it!

I am excited to tell you about two challenges I have decided to tackle! I have decided to enter a race called Men's Health Urbanathalon. It's a fun sort of race which allows runners to conquer obstacles along the 10k or 10 mile? race. I am doing it because my high school buddy, Miguel asked me to do it, I have never been to San Francisco and I turned Miguel down for our SF trip last year, it doesn't look like there are a lot of women who have done it in the past, and it looks like a lot of fun!

http://www.menshealthurbanathlon.com/

I am also proud to tell you I have entered an art competition! There is an art gallery I have been visiting for over a year now called The Hive Gallery. Kyle and I went there last year for his friend Greg's showing on opening night. Greg's exhibit consisted of small dolls in various situations which had sort of an Alice feel so of course I loved it! I stopped by The Hive with my sister last night on our way to The Spaghetti Factory and saw that they were calling for submissions for their September 3rd show- next week! It's a 24 hour process where I will pick up my canvases on September 1st and drop them back off to the gallery by September 2nd. After dinner last night I bought my canvases online :) Today I took a reference photo of an idea that popped into my head and by this morning I had my creation for one canvas! The other canvas I am going to use to create a mixed media piece. I am super excited for both! If you can't make it to the show next Saturday, don't worry, I will take and post some photos- promise promise!! There is going to be a silent auction so after the show, no more canvases for me- hopefully they will be sold!

Well that's all for tonight. Just got home from a lovely evening eating out at Biaggi's at The Gateway Mall with my sister. We are trying to spend as much time with each other as possible since she leaves for AZ on Tuesday. That means no more sister and no more sweet convertible. Sad day! But you know what? I am excited for next week. I've got big plans :D

Love you my lovely bones!

Amy xoxo

"Weightless"
by 311

(my favorite song on their new album which I have listened to almost every day for 2 weeks)

It's all kinda starting to make sense, the difference
Between us and them, from the beginning
We're looking for such different things, it is insane
But we wouldn't want to be the same

We are beyond supposed separations
All of those are just our creations
Caught up in the days of mistaking this
Everyone of us is weightless

So weightless, weightless
All weightless, weightless
We're all weightless, weightless
Everyone of us is weightless
Everyone of us is weightless

A summer night and the starlight
That slowly does appear
My god it's been gone for all these years
And yet it really still is here

We are beyond supposed separations
All of those are just our creations
Caught up in the days of mistaking this
Everyone of us is weightless

So weightless, weightless
All weightless, weightless
We're all weightless, weightless
Everyone of us is weightless

Gotta get away, now make it somehow
Zero gravity, no pull has got me
Hurtling through space, all time is misplaced
We're all weightless in this place
Only matter's if you are here with us
Because the route we take is so circuitous
We are floating now, there's no pull here in space
We're all weightless hey

It's all kinda starting to make sense, the difference
Between us and them, from the beginning
We're looking for such different things, it is insane
Everyone of us is weightless

So weightless, weightless
All weightless, weightless
We're all weightless, weightless
Everyone of us is weightless

Ps I really like guys who are tough enough to go to art shows with me and sensitive enough to work out with me. Yes, I said that in the right order.

A is for the air I breathe

Hello kiddies! It was a beautiful morning and I had a great day! Rachel and I both had trouble getting out of bed for our run but we were eating pavement by 6am. We both felt like God was rewarding us with a beautiful sunrise this morning, did you see it? Pink and blue sky. As you know, pink is one of my favorite colors! Actually, my three favorites are debutante pink, kelly green and tiffany blue. Soft and subtle.

And now, for your vieiwing pleasure, I have provided pictures from my iphone! I want to incorporate more photos on my blog, so I decided to dump a whole bunch at once.

This is me today! Well hello you! Sometimes I take random pictures of myself. It makes me laugh.

Ryan and I were perusing town one afternoon. Toasters, check. Little America Hotel, check. Steve Harris Imports, double check!! We went to the back of the compound where we met up with one of Ryan's friends who is in charge of the body shop. That's when we were introduced to Richard Loosee who opened his door for me and told me to get in. I would never argue with a man of that stature. Find his story here about his Ferrari Enzo. Sick, sick, sick. This is just one of two he had there. There other was hand picked from his recent trip

http://www.autoblog.com/2010/08/18/wrecked-ferrari-enzo-reborn-as-bonneville-salt-flats-racer/

I really am a dork. This is me on a Saturday morning run in downtown. I am rocking the fanny pack I asked my mom for. Thanks mommy! We used to park near the farmer's market, run, and be back right when they opened at 8am. Good times!

Serra took my picture and then I sketched it and this is it! Yes, I did have that mustache for real reals.

Gum wrapper nails. They remind me of the nails I used to pay with as a kid. Plus this shows you just how weird I am and the simple enjoyment I get out of ordinary things.

Solitude and Brighton resorts with Ryan in his new VW Jetta wagon listening to XM radio- YES!! I need a banging camera so I can explore photography more. I am biased but I think I take rad pictures. Love how this picture is in motion and the Solitude bird on the sign looks like he is too. His name is Jonesy.

This is near my town of SLC! Funny, I didn't know this picture was from 2008! Looks more like the 90s...

My nails today. Lauren gave me this nail polish, what a nice friend! The color makes me happy.

Jamba Juice from Lance one morning. I was starving and this was a perfect breakfast treat! Did you know my first job was working at Jamba and my sister's was working at Zuka before Jamba bought them? Yes, she is one of my idols and I love to copy her. And yes those are my real eyelashes.

Shopping with my sister on Tuesday and I come across this beauty. Then I look at the pricetag. Instant anger fills my heart where there was a special space saved for this purse. $200. Fossil, I love you, but not that much.

Sometimes I take pictures of myself making goofy faces and the elevators at work have giant mirrors for my entertainment (just like the picture of me today). This is me yesterday as I am eating a bag of apple slices. I call this piece, elevator with apples. Touching and precious.

Tim Mcgraw or REAL game? Tough decision but I think I chose the better of the 2 because I don't like country that much but I do like sweaty guys working their stuff for my enjoyment. In case you are confused, not THESE sweaty guys... Ryan told me about the drum circle they do @ half time. What? Surprised I had been to games before but had not witnessed this phenomenon. Think loud, obnoxious guys and you've got the picture. Pure awesomeness!

Thank you to my old and dear friend Court for fulfilling my secret fantasy to hear Goo Goo Dolls and Michelle Branch play. Deer Valley in PC was beautiful and serene (which I had to look up how to spell that because my middle name is sarene, hehe).

A study I did of a piece from Mary Blair. She is one of my favorite artists! She worked for Disney and one of her most popular pieces is, It's a Small World. I love line width and with her simple designs, line width comes into play a lot. This piece is painted in watercolors and it's one of my favorites. Watercolors are my preferred choice of medium.

Cut paper churches, an Amy original! You can't set it in this picture very well but in the middle there is a cabaret with neon lights.

Yummy! Dessert from Trio with my sister last night!! If you want to make me happy and you want to talk with me for a while, bring me here. Now.

My favorite perfume I have right now. Kyle got this for me for Christmas. I love perfume. My mom couldn't handle the intense fragrances so I was deprived of wearing them until college. Now I have a bucket of different ones. Literally they are in a bucket.

I didn't take this photo but I should have. I love everything Alice. I may name give my daughter that middle name or something.

And there you have it! Recent photos from my iphone. Did you enjoy? Totally random!

Well now I am off to enjoy dinner with my sister, John (Cindy's former husband) and John and Cindy's two girls. I love Spaghetti Factory but I love being with those who I love even more. Lots of love lol

Amy xoxo

"My Paper Heart"

by The All-American Rejects

Please just don't play with me
My paper heart will bleed
This wait for destiny won't do
Be with me please I beseech you
Simple things, that make you run away
Catch you if I can

Tears fall, down your face
The taste, is something new
Something that
I know moving on is,
Easiest when I am around you.

So bottle up old love,
And throw it out to sea,
Watch it away as you cry
A year has passed
The seasons go

Please just don't play with me
My paper heart will bleed
This wait for destiny won't do
Be with me please I beseech you
Simple things, that make you run away
Catch you if I can

Waiting, day to day it goes through
My lips, are sealed for her
My tongue is,
Tied to, a dream of being with you
To settle for less, is not what I prefer

So bottle up old love,
And throw it out to sea,
Watch it away as you cry
A year has passed
The seasons go

Please just don't play with me
My paper heart will bleed
This wait for destiny won't do
Be with me please I beseech you
Simple things, that make you run away
Catch you if I can

Summer time, the nights are so long
The leaves fall down,
and so do I into the arms of a friend
Winter nights
My bedside is cold, for I am gone
And spring blossoms you to me

Summer time, the nights they are so long
The leaves fall down,
and so do I into the arms of a friend
Winter nights
My bedside is cold, for I am gone
And spring blossoms you to me

P.S. It sucks sleeping alone.

Wanderer

I have a few favorite movies like The Breakfast Club, Moulin Rouge, and Sabrina.
I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a romantic girl, but I do swoon for the romance and I don't know a girl who wouldn't... totally me justifying my girlish ways.

This is a quote from Sabrina:
Linus Larrabee: So, that really is a beautiful name. How did you get it?
Sabrina: My father's reading. It's in a poem.
Linus Larrabee: Oh?
Sabrina: "Sabrina fair, listen where thou art sitting under the glassy, cool, translucent wave, in twisted braids of lilies knitting the loose train of thy amber-dropping hair."
Sabrina: [laughs to herself] It's an incredible airplane - it's beautiful. I've never seen anything like it.
Linus Larrabee: Ah, yes.
[returns to reading his work papers]
Sabrina: Don't you ever look out the window?
Linus Larrabee: When do I have time?
Sabrina: What happened to all that time we saved taking the helicopter?
Linus Larrabee: [lightheartedly] I'm storing it up.
Sabrina: [seriously] No, you're not.
Linus Larrabee: [pause] So, your little poem - what does it mean?
Sabrina: It's the story of a water sprite who saved a virgin from a fate worse than death.
Linus Larrabee: And Sabrina's the virgin.
Sabrina: [quietly] Sabrina's the savior.

And later on at the end of the movie, Linus tells Sabrina:
Linus Larrabee: I've been following in footsteps all my life. Save me, Sabrina fair, you're the only one who can.

I never picked up on it before, but Sabrina not only saved herself first, but then she went on to save everyone else. This is how I feel about myself. I started the journey a year ago to improve myself and now I feel like I am on solid ground. Now I can focus my attention on helping others while I continue to work on making myself the best I can be!

Yesterday I had a couple of thought provoking conversations. One was with my friend Johnny which made me think about the quote I added to the Adam&Eve blog in July which states, "not all who wander are lost". Johnny talked to me about his experience wandering and how wandering isn't wrong to him because it feels better to search for something more than to except something like the LDS religion which is comfortable. My question is, is it ok to be comfortable in the Gospel? Comfortable in Johnny's mind means being stagnant while I would like to expound upon this and bring it somewhere else with comfort meaning feeling worthy to feel God's love. Why would anyone want to deny themselves the comfort of feeling God's love? I guess I was wrong to think that no one is entitled to anything because I definitely feel that everyone is entitled to feel the love of God. To me, that love is not only comfortable, but it allows me to have my wings to explore the limitless possibilities for my life.

Am I a hard person to read? Over the past week, over 5 people have been asking me what I am thinking and where I am at. In am in my own world- even a person of my own realm my uncle Mike said to me. I have been very introspective lately. For example, in Idaho this weekend, I was riding in the converitble I rented to my sister with the top down, staring into the green abyss called landscsape and I was wandering. I was not lost, I was contemplating my life. Interesting how this past week, one of the hardest I have dealt with in my whole life, really tipped the scales for me, letting me know what I want.

I was talking to my church buddy Joel yesterday about smiling. What he said hit me. Sometimes- most of the time- I don't smile because I am scared of letting my light shine too much. That is silly. This is something I have been working on for the past two months, not being afraid to let my light shine. To me this means regardless of what anyone else thinks of me, I think I am pretty great! I guess that is why I am sharing this blog with everyone now, I am not afraid anymore.

Amy xoxo

"I Still Remember"
by Bloc Party

I, I still remember
how you looked that afternoon.
There was only you.

You said "it's just like a full moon".
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers, they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I've gone wherever you wanted

(I still remember)

And on that teachers' training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm

And I can see our days are becoming nights.
I could feel your heartbeat across the grass.
We should have run.
I would go with you anywhere.
I should have kissed you by the water

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?

And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie

I would let you if you asked me

I still remember

Dear Universe

Dear Universe, why do you want certain people in my life and not others? I feel blessed today despite wanting more. I connected with a potential employer to hook up as a graphic designer and saw a few of my favorite people including, Liisa, Annie, Courtney, Mike, Susan, Serra and my long lost friend Johnny! How did I get so lucky? Seriously so blessed!

Amy xoxo

"Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win"
(feat. Santigold)
by the Beastie Boys

It's hot here gotta say it's so
I got you right where I want
Got an honest face so you turn your back
When in doubt run up your attack
At one time you were slick and your grill was cold
And now funny how the shit gets old
You can run you can run but it will catch up
Like now see me I'll show you up
Now yo wanna get back when you had your shine
But you run you can run but it will catch up
Like now see me I'll show you up

Now you wanna get back when you had your shine
But you run the same thing every time when you rhyme
Can't stop won't stop no compromise
It's a house of cards built out of lies
Coming down like a bird floating on the mist
Turn on the track back track and twist
You work hard to climb the list
Twenty years of schooling and they put you on the day shift

I know the danger of a man (that's danger)
Who's been to hell and back again (danger)
Can't tell tomorrow from where he's been (that's danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win (danger)

You're caught now by the skin you're in
In a bind now your thoughts go to all your sins
Hits much harder back better count on that
I tell you what we know always holds us back
Now you mutter and you stutter and you putter don't stop
I got in your heart and I shook you up
In a bind now your caught by the fear setting in
Choked on the thought that you don't it again

Keep the competition in check
You draft your plans at your drafting desk
You try to play to win but now you lost
Like clams with no tartar sauce scheming in the attic
Thought you had it
So dramatic
I-Got the stats mathematics
Automatic-systematic
She's super bad now
Whatcha watcha want now?

I know the danger of a man (that's danger)
Who's been to hell and back again (danger)
Can't tell tomorrow from where he's been (that's danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win (danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win (danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win (that's danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win (danger danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win (that's danger)

I know the danger of a man (that's danger)
Who's been to hell and back again (danger)
Can't tell tomorrow from where he's been (that's danger)
Don't play no game that I can't win... (danger)

Don't play no game that I can't win
Don't play no game that I can't win

Dark Horses

I conquered another few miles on my run this Saturday- 5.4 miles! What I was impressed with was not only the distance, but the run itself. I woke myself up @ 740 and was running fully stretched by 8AM.
I cried a little on my run. I found myself in this zone where I was able to grow, struggle and conquer. It was a very peaceful but emotional time for me. This weekend was a challenge. It was good for me to have this run to myself. It provided an outlet almost like a happy place for me. When things were not going how I wanted them to this weekend, I went back to that place. I love being in nature.
This past weekend in Idaho we stayed with my gf Lauren. I underestimated her. The time we spent there was enjoyable because of her graciousness. She let me and my sister sleep in her bed while she hoofed it in the bunk bed with her son Carter. Lauren is a great mom actually, one of the best I have seen. She is balanced in her approach with Carter- she takes care of herself and takes care of him. Anyone who wants to fight me on this, I will fight you to the death. I think Lauren is on the right track for her life and I couldn't be more proud of her. She is a hero figure to me in a lot of ways. I see myself in her and I know she will come out of her dark cloud victorious. She has a lot of love surrounding her.
You know what I am grateful for this weekend? Challenges. They teach me what is sweet and what is bitter. This weekend taught me about the guys in my life or mainly about the guy I hope to have in my life. I am becoming more aware of what I can live with and what I can't live without.

Amy xoxo

"Dark Horses"
by Switchfoot

Yeah

I made my mistakes
I seen my heart cave in
I got my scars
I been to hell and back again

Born for the blue skies
We’ll survive the rain
Born for the sunrise
We’ll survive the pain

[Chorus:]
We’re singing…
Hey, you can’t count us out
We’ve been living up against the crowd
Yeah, we are the dark horses
We’re singing…
Wait! It’s not over now
We’ve been down but we’ve never been out
Yeah, we are the dark horses

We found the way out
The city takes everything it can
But outside the crowds
I can feel my lungs again

Born for the blue skies
We’ll survive the rain
Born for the sunrise
We’ll survive the pain

[Chorus]

We're singing
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

Yeah!

Born for the blue skies
Born for the blue skies
Born for the sunrise
We’ll survive the pain

[Chorus:]
We’re singing…
Hey, you can’t count us out
We’ve been living up against the crowd
Yeah, we are the dark horses
We’re singing…
Wait, don’t care what they say
We know we’ll find a way
Yeah! We are the Dark Horses

Yeah!

Laa la-la-la-la-laa
Laa la-la-la-la-laa

[Faded Voice:]
Keep running for the dark horses
Hope makes the blood change courses
Keep running for dark horses
Stand up for the dark horses
Keep running for the dark horses
Hope makes the blood change courses

Naked inside your fear

Let me be completely honest with you, mkay? (think Mr. Mackey)
I cannot get over myself enought to write a decent post! Today sucked. The words that came vividly to mind were pain and pleasure.
My sister and I held onto each other all day, when not physically, in spirit. Cindy's funeral was one of celebration for her life, but it was something I wished I could be experiencing with her- LIFE. I will copy the notes I wrote while sitting at the funeral taking it all in. Some of these words are my own, some directly from the speakers:
Cindy
So we could learn from her. She is in good hands. Grateful for this knowledge. She shared her love and light. She carried light to us. Strength from love. Peace. Honored to be the Lord's children. I had the best years of Cindy's life. It was a pleasure to grow up with her. We celebrate her life. She would want us to be happy and love each other. Everyday her attitude was, I am going to conquer this! Imagine how great her joy will be after this hard trial. Cancer journey. A powerful teacher of unconditional love and light. Cindy and I are so much alike. From a different realm. She was an accepting person. Everyone loves Cindy. She made you feel like you were her favorite.
Shane is Cindy's step brother. His wife Stacy and my sister Liisa were looking through a scrapbook Liisa made of our life with Cindy starting around 1986. Stacy made an interesting comment to Liisa saying, I didn't know how close you guys were, Cindy was like your mom! And yes, Cindy was our summer mother. I had the best childhood because my two parents were willing to break their two hearts in order to share those pieces with others. Those summers are what made me the girl I am today. I am amazed at how loved I am and I warmly welcome it.

Amy xoxo

"Naked"
by Goo Goo Dolls

Yeah I'm fadin' and I call out
No one hears me
Never been, never felt, never thought I'd say a word

Weighed down
Safe now

You're naked inside your fear
You can't take back all those years
And shots in the dark from empty guns
Are never heard by anyone
Never heard by anyone

Yeah I'm hiding in the fallout
Now I'm wasted
They don't need me, don't want me, don't hear a word I say

Weighed down
Safe now

You're naked inside your fear
You can't take back all those years
And shots in the dark from empty guns
Are never heard by anyone
Never heard by anyone

Inside your head
No one's there
And I don't think I'll ever be
And I don't care

You're naked inside your fear
You can't take back all those years
And shots in the dark from empty guns
Are never heard by anyone
Never heard by anyone
By anyone
By anyone

Tour guide

I've been taking in life a lot more lately. I guess you could use the word deeper to solidify what I am trying to convey. I have been breathing in life a little deeper.

I got done with most of my work by 4PM today. There was a family who returned a car and asked me what they should do for the rest of the day. I decided to take them on a short tour of our city! I realized that I know a lot about this place. The mini tour encouraged me to find out more about where I live such as the architecture, the history of certain places, timeline and dates of certain events, etc. I am a details girl. I love hearing a good story. If you have stories, I am the girl who will listen.

So here I was, practicing the role of tour guide to 4 NY strangers. They were offering me information about their idyllic small town in NY called Bronxville, not to be confused with the Bronx. haha. I took them through downtown, through the Avenues, up around the canyon, around the State Capitol, down State Street and back to Temple Square. They offered me a tip but I refused. I thought about it after and thought, I wonder if they knew I am LDS? I hope they think about it and their thoughts about Mormons are positive ones. Then the thought hit me, the glory be to God. I didn't do this act out of some selfish desire to exalt myself. I saw a need and a want and I had the means to produce a desired outcome and I wanted to help. Anytime I see an opportunity to help, I take it. Sometimes the problem isn't providing the means, sometimes it's my vision.

Amy xoxo

"Run"
by Collective Soul

Are these times contagious
I've never been this bored before
Is this the prize I've waited for
Now as the hours passing
There's nothing left here to mature
I long to find a messenger

Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Yeah, I run [x2]

Is there a cure among us
From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
In this world of purchase
I'm going to buy back memories
To awaken some old qualities

Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Yeah, I run [x2]
Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Yeah, I run [x4]
[background:]
Have I got a long way to run [x4]

Scars

I drove to work this morning with a smile on my face. I am so happy. Yes I have someone very dear to me gone now, but that comes with the knowledge that she is in a good place. I am actually excited for both of us. We each have a lot of work to do. I can't imagine how much she is learning right now! I am excited for Cindy and for her opportunity to progress in a new way. For me, I am excited for what exciting things my life holds. I used to think I had my life all figured out. OH HOW NAIVE I WAS! I thought life was a set of destinations, places you checked off like a to-do list. *LAUGHING* What was I expecting? I have always had unreal expectations. Then I worked that down to having expectations. Now, I have NO expectations of situations and people. You know what I want?! I want to be happy and do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I know that will bring me the most happiness!

Amy xoxo

"Swing Life Away"
by Rise Against

Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Swing life away [x4]

Cindy

Tuesday morning runs brings me great happiness. Text Stephanie to let her know I'll see her outside soon. Decide to check my email before my run. See my sister's travel itinerary. She flies into SLC on Wednesday- tomorrow! Surprise and elation fade into pain and sadness. I know the reason she is coming and it's not for a kindly visit. I don't know why but suddenly it hits me, like my brain had been deceiving me this whole time, trying to protect me. My sister changed her profile picture last night to one with me, Cindy and her in it. Now I find myself on Facebook looking at her wall, a post from Cindy's brother tells me she is gone. I don't want it to be true. Pain clutches my chest and and I can't breath because the air is going out of me in uncontrolled sobs. I become a baby in that single moment. I call Stephanie trying to hold it together. I can't run with her but I want to. I want to strap on my Nikes and run fast and far. I want to keep running and never stop. I don't want anything to catch me. When I am running, nothing can catch me (except for a Cheetah, but there are no Cheetahs in Utah so I am safe). I cry for 3 minutes. Not long. I want to cry longer but I have too many walls for the tears to flow over. I realize the tears are purely selfish ones. I want her to be alive and well but when she was alive, she wasn't well so that is selfish of me to want her here. She is pain free and preparing a way for me now. She is now my angel. Everyone has described her that way because that is how you describe a light so bright here on Earth, as an angel in Heaven.

Amy xoxo

"Maybe"
by Sick Puppies

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Outsider's eyes

This weekend I learned A LOT A LOT. I viewed the world around me using what felt like a different set of eyes. An outsider's eyes. And because of this new set, I was able to see my world from a different perspective.
My friend Randy came to visit me from Arizona and my friend Lauren came to visit me from Idaho and both happened to be on the same weekend. I cannot say I did not know that the combination of those two friends would be bad to mix in one weekend, but I proceeded with the festivities anyways. And let me say, everything I am writing here are things I have and would share with them...
I feel bad for Randy and Lauren. I know they wouldn't want my pity but I am feeling it for them anyways and I am allowed to feel that just like they are allowed to not want it. Life challenges have been cruel to them in some ways, but their circumstances and feelings now are all self induced. I don't believe they are really happy. Why? I believe they are in a place far away from their God. I am not talking about religion here, I am talking about their relationship with our Heavenly Father. And believe me, this post is not a condemning one of how horrible they are and how I am the ideal. We are all at different stages in life and I have tasted the moments that they are swimming through now. I believe that the most important thing in this life is to figure out what God wants from you! I don't think they have found that spot yet... not that it is a stagnant area where one comes, meet and sleeps comfortably... I believe you find that spot in your heart where you feel genuine peace and you carry it with you through your life experiences. I hope we can all find that.
I feel like I have found a huge piece in my puzzle this weekend. I realized that my grestest goal in life is to inspire others. Pretty simple yet profound for me! This new goal is the goal to which everything else connects. Everything I do is for an ultimate purpose. I want to make others happy because I am happy! I love my life. No, I don't have an awesome job that I look forward to everyday but I've got this artistic ability that keeps me interested in solving the problem of creating something new everyday. No I don't have a significant other but I have awesome family and friends that love me and show me that love everyday. My friend Jordan said, "I'm not single nor taken. I'm reserved for the one who's deserving of me." I am patient, I am waiting and for now I am making myself into the most awesome babe that I can be!
So my other revelation I had over the weekend was about my friend Matt. I have known Matt for a little under a year now. I met him in my single's ward at church. We were on the same committee which produced fun activities for all of the singles on Monday nights. What I didn't take the time to find out was how amazing Matt is. Stephanie invited him to Lagoon on Saturday to hang out with us and he is a stud! Matt is passionate about his career, he is intelligent, he likes to stay active and run which he did in college on the U of U team, his sense of humor is witty never boring and gross and he is kind. So needless to say, Matt is unique and very appealing. I am glad him and Stephanie got a chance to get to know each other better too.
I am glad I had this weekend to learn a lot of new things. Most of the lessons I learned were from guys in my life, some old, some new, some mentioned here and some too precious to mention here. Just know that my heart is full of joy and I am very happy. I am happy because I choose to be.

Amy's week of fun!
311/Sublime with Rome concert
The Goo Goo Dolls/Michelle Branch/Parachute concert
3 day weekend!
Trip to Idaho!!

Amy xoxo

"Something To Die For"
by The Sounds

Working for another hour tonight
Staring at the wall and let the time just pass me by
You might think you know me, but it's all just a face
Trying to ignore when people screaming my name
(Screaming my name)

Walking by a house with colorful lights
There's a sign, an invitation from the woman inside
Talk about your boyfriend, talk about your wife
It's just a different way of living your life

When something's right, then something is worth to die for
When I feel that something is wrong, then something is worth to fight for

Don't say goodbye, just leave an open door
I wanna hear you say, you give me something to die for

Searching for another reason to stay
Slowly my regrets are fading away
You leave me on my own to find out what's real
You say you want your freedom, but it's not how I feel

When something's right, then something is worth to die for
When I feel that something is wrong, then something is worth to fight for

Don't say goodbye, just leave an open door
I wanna hear you say, you give me something to die for
When I feel that something is right
You give me something to die for

When something's right, then something is worth to die for
When I feel that something is wrong, then something is worth to fight for
When something's right, then something is worth to die for
When I feel that something is wrong, then something is worth to fight for

Don't say goodbye, just leave an open door
I wanna hear you say, you give me something to die for
I wanna hear you say, you give me something to die for
I wanna hear you say, you give me something to die for

Gossip girl

What are you planning for this weekend? It's Friday and I wish I were still in bed this morning, watching movies with a giant bowl of buttery popcorn, red vines, and plenty of Dr. Pepper and Fiji water to wash it all down. Ah, dreaming...
My friends Randy and Lauren are coming into town this evening. I need to keep working on that doing thing, but this time with more focus on my apartment. Why do I never make the time to clean it properly? Ugh, I don't like the word lazy and I especially don't like it associated with me in any way so I won't say it! But that's an accurate assessment of my situation here- let the judging begin! :)
Lauren was already planning on going to Lagoon amusement park before she knew Randy and I made plans with my friends Stephanie and Matt. I am excited we can all go together and have a fun time tomorrow! I need this weekend to be full of fun and relaxation. I know if I don't get it now, I will get it next week and that's definitely something to look forward to. More details to be revealed next week!
Yesterday after work, I came home, cleaned my apartment stairwell (it's my job which takes my rent down every month) and after that I was so tired! I haven't taken a nap after work this whole week. After carving my knee out in softball on Wednesday, I just needed a break! The problem with my naps is they last quite a while... a few hours sometimes. So even when I want to lay down for say, 30 minutes, it ends up being 2 hours. So the time I had set aside to clean my apartment yesterday was instead, spent sleeping in my warm, inviting bed... zzz...
But I got up around 8:30pm and started cleaning it then. I have a lot of clothing! A LOT A LOT. I hate folding laundry and putting it away- I would much rather clean a toilet! Lance and his friends were at the free Twilight concert on Thursday nights here in SLC and were going to CPK at the Gateway mall for dinner. I called Ryan to see if he wanted to come too since I haven't seen him since the REAL game last Saturday. That is another story for another time too! But Ryan was on his way to a local bar Dick 'n Dixie's to hang out with some of his friends which have become my friends too! :) I ended up at CPK with Lance and his coworker friends. It was awkward at first and I don't know why...? Maybe there was a difference in maturity levels? I don't think I am better than anyone else or more entitled in any way. Sometimes I feel like my time could be spent in better company, especially if that time is spent in an environment which is cultivating gossip. I was totally at fault for leading the conversation into the "let's gossip about someone else" area. After dinner, I felt like crap! Why would I let myself do that? I acted completely childish and like I said, I am no better than anyone else. That doesn't excuse the fact that I dissed someone else by laying out their whole life and flaws for others to examine- who the H do I think I am? The crazy part about it was that while this girl I was talking about was viewed in a negative light by everyone at the table, before discovering their thoughts about her, I quite liked her! I thought I was doing well in being assertive, but last night I realized I need and can do better! I cannot allow myself to be commonplace and ordinary when I can be a bright example to myself and to others. So to that girl, which in some weird way is like a lot of girls out there, I apologize. It never makes me feel good to know others have spoken negatively about me and I shouldn't have crossed the line and committed that same wrong last night.

Amy xoxo

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

It's time to go

I am constantly ticking, itching to go new places. This travel itch can only be scratched with the satisfaction of knowing where my next trip will be.

"When there's a burning in your heart," describes the way I feel about my art. It's something I talk about a lot and come up with a lot of ideas for, but something I rarely actually DO. That is something I am working at getting better at- DOING. For me,following the Spirit in my life is key. I don't always know where I am going but I know that as long as I am doing what I know God wants me to be doing, I will be ok.

I have learned a lesson from art and from my knee wound I received in softball this week- it's better to get the right materials in order to get the best desired result. If I buy cheap brushes, the bristles break and fall into my paint and onto my work. When I buy cheap bandages, they never help my wounds heal the best. Most always it's worth the sacrifice of time, effort and money on my part to obtain the best materials possible for the best outcome.

I hope you are doing well my lovelies. It's easy to get caught up in the drama of life but if we all slow down a bit we realize the drama that is in life is created by us. Life is grand!

Amy xoxo

"You Are A Tourist"
by Death Cab for Cutie

This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher

When there's a burning in your heart
An endless yearning in your heart
Build it bigger than the sun
Let it grow, let it grow
When there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed

This fire grows higher

When there's a doubt within your mind
Because you're thinking all the time
Framing rights into wrongs
Move along, move along
When there's a doubt within your mind

When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Or there's nothing to feel
Save the tears, save the tears
When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then it's time to go
And define your destination
There's so many different places to call home
Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions
Would you agree?
If so please show me

This fire grows higher
When there's a burning in your heart

Lessons in love

When I think about it, every guy who has ever tried to woo me has failed. Every relationship I have had has failed and that is why I am single. Now this is not a pessimistic post, quite the opposite. Out of the ashes of those failed attempts of togetherness, I have learned quite a bit about love and most of all, I have learned a lot about myself.
One lesson I have learned is to enjoy the moment. I've thought about the future too many times in my life and I've let the present pass me by. Yesterday was a perfect example of me exercising my right to be joyful. I know this will sound weak in comparisson to other events in my life but it is a stepping stone which is pivotal for me. I went to my church's coed softball tournament yesterday. I was watching the game when my friend Lance picked me up and started spinning me around in his arms. Lots of times in college, I would worry about who I was flirting with in front of others because I didn't want to mark myself taken- even when I was dating someone. This was a sign of immaturity on my part with relationships. Yesterday, I didn't care who saw Lance spinning me. I was happy in that moment and I allowed myself to feel that joy and no one could take diminish that. I think I am maturing personally by becoming more assertive but I also think my perception of relationships is also entering a world of mature love.

Amy xoxo

P.S. My friend Sara(h) on http://sarahdarlene.wordpress.com/ is giving away a cute, pink bib necklace from her shop http://www.chickswhogiveahoot.com/. You should check it out! You have until August 20th, 2011 to enter ;)

"What About Now"
by Daughtry

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the stars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Hope after heartbreak

Days turn into weeks. The Summer mornings grow darker, longer. I feel the Fall approaching and I welcome it. I have always looked forward to a happy summer, one that compares to the Summer of 2005, but nothing will touch it I fear. I thought this was the year, but I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. A lot of insecurities have held me back from enjoying my life. I have the capacity to love someone fully and without hesitation yet I let fear creep in every time. Fear can easily be turned into an excitement which propels me into action far beyond the chains which it was designed for. I am better than I was yesterday and far better than I was one month ago. Will this strong upward course continue? I wish you could stand beside me instead of watching from the sidelines. I can do it on my own but that's not the point.

"Life gives to all the choice. You can satisfy yourself with mediocrity if you wish. You can be common, ordinary, dull, colorless, or you can channel your life so that it will be clean, vibrant, useful, progressive, colorful, and rich. You can soil your record, defile your soul, trample underfoot virtue, honor and goodness, and thus forfeit an exaltation in the kingdom of God. OR you can be righteous; commanding the respect and admiration of your associates in all walks of life, and enjoying the love of the Lord. Your destiny is in your hands and your all important decisions are your own to make. –Spencer W. Kimball

I enjoyed this quote on Sunday. Here is a free flowing list of what I learned. The Gospel is a gospel of self discipline and self mastery. The grestest battle ever won is mastering oneself. Directing yourself inward can be miserable sometimes. You confront yourself head on by viewing your imperfections under microscope. Change is inevitable but suffering is optional. I can tell you it is going to take a lot more than a facade to change my course. It would take an avalanche or a meteor to distract me from what I have to accomplish. The path I am on demands greater perspective than that of human perspective. It is not one I am simply enduring, it is one I am enjoying.

Plans for this week:
Volunteer at the Utah Food Bank
Practice Volleyball
Softball tournament
Play with Hannah before she leaves for Dixie- YAY!
Organize my messy clothing pile which is eating my whole house
My friend Randy comes into town!
Lagoon for $8 with dinner?, yes please!
RUN! with my girlfriends who are training for a half

Every. Single. Day. is taken up for the next two weeks with something fun! Seems like that has been the past two weeks as well. Can't wait to share with you what I'm doing next week!

Amy xoxo

To Earthward
by Robert Frost


Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

That crossed me from sweet things,
The flow of--was it musk
From hidden grapevine springs
Downhill at dusk?

I had the swirl and ache
From sprays of honeysuckle
That when they're gathered shake
Dew on the knuckle.

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt,
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.

When stiff and sore and scarred
I take away my hand
From leaning on it hard
In grass and sand,

The hurt is not enough:
I long for weight and strength
To feel the earth as rough
To all my length.

Literal and figurative dreamer

Every Sunday I have made it a habit to crash on Susan and Mike's couch and eat their delicious food. That's what you do when you are poor and they have cable... I met Susan when I was 4. She was my Sunbeams teacher at church and she thought she was doing a lousy job. Unbeknownst to Susan, my Mom saw the progress I was making in class when I would regurgitate everything I had learned. My Mom sent Susan a letter thanking her for being such a wonderful teacher in my life. Susan broke down in tears and her and my Mom became instant friends. Fast forward 22 years and you get a young woman still learning a lot from Susan! She isn't without faults but she is one of the most giving people I have in my life and I will never forget the things she has helped me through in my life. Who was there cheering me on at my derby games? Susan, Mike and their kids! I love having them in my life.

Amy xoxo

"Dreams"
by The Cranberries

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

Ah, da, da da da, da, la...