September 30th

September is a special month for me. It marks the start of my favorite season and times in my life where I felt a rebirth. I had a rebirth in 2009 escaping Tyson in a very physical awakening and again in 2010 when I had a spiritual awakening and came back to church 100%. This year in September marks a special time because I found out the why of my life. There are many questions but I feel like there are a lot of answers if I am willing to do the work in order to find them and understand the why behind them.

Amy xoxo

"Guns And Horses"

by Ellie Goulding

You're so quiet
But it doesn't phase me
You're on time
You move so fast, makes me feel lazy

And let's join forces
We've got our guns and horses
I know you've been burned by every fire is a lesson learned

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You're so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would

Let's tie words
'Cause they amount to nothing
Play it down
Pretend you can't take what you've found
But you found me
On a screen you sit permanently

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You're so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would

It's time to come clean
And make sense of everything
It's time that we found out who we are
Cause when I'm standing here in the dark
I see your face in every star

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would
I'd do it all for you, I would

Ps Everything I have done has been worth it

Karma Police

http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20489435,00.html?stitched#20951185

I remember when Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise split. I remember hearing that Nicole was devestated but despite being an emotional wreck inside, she produced what I think is one of her best pieces- Moulin Rouge. She was said to have great courage and an aura about her on and off the screen at that time. I want to tap into that power.

Look at her now- I am sure at the time when she was heartbroken she wasn't thinking, I am going to have a great life with someone else but it happened. Sometimes life grants us blessings we cannot imagine we deserve.

I put in my two weeks at work today. I can't sum up 1 1/2 years of my meaningless, degrading job into a paragraph. Most people don't understand the way I feel about my job and that is ok. I had to do what was best for me. I am trying to move this feeling or nervousness into excitement for the new opportunities which I now have. Most people have called me brave and courageous but I feel small and lost. I wish I could do more with myself and make myself into something truly amazing. I guess this is my chance.

I went to the SLC Temple grounds to read my scriptures. I didn't intend to stay for over 2 hours. One of my favorite things I saw was a girl with blue hair who threw a coin into a fountain. She had a puzzled, but determined look on her face as the coin slipped past her fingers into the water. It looked as though she had the faith necessary to make things come to pass in her life. She left in the same determined way that her face had presented itself to me.

I know I will be ok. I know there are people who love me. For some reason this has to be a struggle to find myself on my own no matter how much I want you there holding my hand and helping me.

Amy xoxo

"Mysteries"
by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

My arms are all twisted,
the only thing I miss is
I messed up, I missed it,
I messed up the missing of you

It’s getting to sound
like they've seen you around
with her

No mystery
No mystery
No mysteries

Everyone knows
the secretest code of mine
They’ll tell all my friends
and they’ll tell all my enemies too

Mystery
No mysteries
No mysteries

No mystery
No mystery
No mysteries

Take it away, Nick!

I don’t even know what it's like
not to go back to you
I don’t even know
who I like less,
You or me
You or me
You or me, oooh

Well it’s anyone’s, anyone’s guess…
It’s anyone’s, anyone’s guess…
Stress, stress
Stress, stress
Stress, stress
Stress, stress
Stress

Ps I believe I will find where my perceptions and possible solutions align with God's will this weekend at Conference

The best you can is good enough

This photo is an answer to your question, yes I am proud of my Trax ticket. I figured out why I have never taken Trax and it's because I was saving my first ride for something great. Kinda romantical and silly but honest. Trax did not disappoint me like a blind date gone bad- it met my expectations which is a strong finish to an ever growing anticipation. Jonathan, Dave, Katie, Jack and I rode Trax from SLC to Sandy to hit up the Real game. While the game was intense and not entertaining by the comfortable sense of the word, I had a great time with my friends and that is what I took comfort in. Afterwards, we hit up the Ritz for bowling where I spanked everyone- 128. Then the second game took a turn for the worst and I ended up with the lowest score- 83. That score was not good for my average and I am afraid to see Jonathan's chart for me (remember the picture from last week?).

I write about my happiness every week and sometimes everyday. The conclusion I have drawn is that I cannot convince anyone else of my happiness- I just have to live it. I am just glad I get to share it with you.

Amy xoxo

"Lights"
by Ellie Goulding

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home

Yeah, hee

Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Ps Trax expanded my perceptions of the city and the people who live here. I will never get over how beautiful it is here.

Prove Yourself

Fight Club. Once you watch, you cannot help but be changed but it's destructive beauty and powerful poison. It made me think, if I were to die today what would my legacy be? Probably a coveted frog painting I know some of you are lusting after :) But more than material things, I hope I would leave with you a love of life. The love I have can be described as zesty, potent, dynamic, flowing, optimistic and passionate.

In the movie, Edward Norton beats up a kid named Angel Face and explains his actions by saying, "I felt like destroying something beautiful." I think we sabotage our own lives by thinking we are not worthy of happiness- we destroy something which is good. Or maybe we take a more logical approach or too much of an emotional approach when it comes to managing our lives. Yes, I believe Tyler in the movie when he says, "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." We need to accept on some real, deep and meaning level that we are going to die- in fact we are dying everyday. It's up to us to make the most of our time by maximizing our happiness now- not by waiting around for it to happen to us. We create our own happiness.

Sometimes we rely on the experiences of others to determine how we will live our lives or even make some important choices and that I believe is what stunts our growth. It's like looking through a kaleidoscope and never being able to touch the pieces for yourself- I would much rather tediously build my stained glass window out of those tiny bits for years with my fingers bloody from the continued work and know that that work was mine. There are no rules to love- we make our own within the boundaries God has set.

Don't analyze the past and consider if it was wrong or if it was right. We knew it was right, we did it and it worked at the time. Just because it doesn't work now doesn't mean it won't work in the future. Don't second guess, stop becoming numb to love, let go and move on. We cannot be what once was, we can only become something greater.

Amy xoxo

"What You Know"
by Two Door Cinema Club

In a few weeks I will get time
To realise it's right before my eyes
And I can take it if it's what I want to do

I am leaving, this is starting to feel like
It's right before my eyes
And I can taste it, it's my sweet beginning

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time,
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

Maybe next year I'll have no time
To think about the questions to address
Am I the one to try to stop the fire?

I wouldn't test you, I'm not the best you could have attained
Why try anything?
I will get there, just remember I know

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

Ps What are you fighting for? Better yet, what are you living for?

Jigsaw Falling

Let's start out with some prettiness since that's what I need in my life right now.

Kelly Osbourne and Lourdes Leon
http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20530018_21057037,00.html

As you know I love fashion.

Loved this picture from failblog! Bambi is out for revenge!

I met with my Bishop on Sunday to talk about a timeline for serving a mission. My Bishop didn't want to get that far ahead yet because he wanted to make sure I really felt like I was getting the answer from my Heavenly Father to go. I told him I knew this what the path I was supposed to be on right now but it wasn't until today that I had an epiphany about that path. I told Adam and Lauren, "I had this incredible realization- life is about the journey right? I've been looking at this whole mission thing as a destination to get to- not as a journey."

And Lauren, being incredibly wise in her questions, asked me "So what will the difference be then if you view it as a journey?" And without hesitation I answered, "The ability to change course."

You see, my Bishop asked me to keep the possibility of marriage open. I cannot deny that would be an amazing adventure as well. I think a mission or marriage would be an amazing blessing in my life. I guess I wait and be patient with myself and the process that my continued striving for growth will allow me blessings and opportunities which I never dreamed and saw possible. Of course I must be open to those new paths and that's what Bishop was saying to me. That or I take a machete and hack my way through the jungle? Hmm ;)

Today I tried to enjoy the moments I had- every. single. one. Even when I was scared tonight because of a man who approached my door uninvited, I cried and realized that this is a mere moment- no, crying will not help and yes, I will be fine. I recognize every experience I have as a learning oppotunity. I no longer feel stunted because I am able to handle my life in my own hands. My problems are putty and I am the master artist.
2 Corinthians 12:9, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Amy xoxo

"It's All Your Fault"
by Pink

I'd conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid

Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind (yeah)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

Da da dada da dada da
Da dadadadadada da dadadadadada

I'm trying to figure out what else to say (what else could I say?)
To make you turn around and come back this way
(Would you just come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind cause it's now or never (oh)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could
Feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold (I hold) my breath (my breath)
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air (running out of air)
And it's not fair

(Oh yeah
It's all your fault)

I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not (it's not) fair

Ps The older I become the more I realize the less I know

Masked Venice

These are some photos I didn't post earlier from out ward party last week.

Clouds swirling around the mountains in the Millcreek area.

The homes were picturesque here.

Ronan took a picture of me in my finest moment.

Me and Rachel

A couple in our ward. This photo screams, hold my hand already!
I don't understand why some people cannot show affection in public. When I was dating someone in college, I didn't want it to appear to others that I was taken by holding his hand in public. In the end I think that was a childish way to go about my relationship. So from my experience, not showing affection in public has a negative memory associated with it. I was naive and immature in college and I really didn't know how relationships worked back then! Mutual trust, respect and honoring someone when you are in that beautiful moment with them.
But the world is not acting out one of my contrived romance novels and neither should I.

Amy xoxo

I wanted to post the song "Trojans" by Atlas Genius but I can't find the lyrics anywhere except for these lines: Write a song / make a note / for the lump that sits inside your throat / change the locks / change the scene / change it all but can’t change what we’ve been.

Listen to the song here: http://indie.thekollection.com/trojans-atlas-genius/

Ps I love attending art shows, they make me happy.

Without the walls

I believe photography is one of the hardest forms of art. With other mediums such as paint, you are able to manipulate the paint any way you want to form whatever object you desire. With photography, the subject matter is laid out before you- the trick is in manipulating those objects in an arrangement which accurately communicates your perspective.

West Temple and 600 South looking southeast

I love the transparency in my right lens and how you can see the Grand America Hotel in the background.

Stephanie invited me to her Book of Mormon challenge. We will be reading 8.5 pages a day to complete the BoM by Thanksgiving. I am excited to start this journey with some of my best friends like Stephanie, Julee, Lauren and Jack.
I was reading 1 Nephi 1:20 when I came across this, "...But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." I don't know why, I just liked these words spoken by Nephi. This time around I feel like I am gaining a new thirst for the knowledge in the scriptures. I feel more open, more forgiving, more assertive, and more passionate. I can't wait to see what I take away from this experience!

Amy xoxo

"Rolling In The Deep"

by Adele

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in time and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

Ps I would love to develop my photography skills

Addicted to you

Today I faced a monster who I don't like interacting with. He drips with pride and I feel coated with an evil oil after I am done feeling belittled in his presence. Ew. But after a cold sweat of emotions, I pulled myself together and faced my meeting with him in the lion's den. After a professional yet appreciative attitude on my part, he took kindly to my words and we were able to get through our meeting with ease and I feel like I learned a lot. I can do hard things.

After work, I walked through downtown on my own since Lauren has my car now. So far I am appreciative of this opportunity to get to know my home a little bit better. On foot, you notice more details and you know me, detail queen. I walked from my hotel until I hit Main Street. Right now because of the construction, everything looks torn up in the City Creek area. There are bits of pretty facade hanging out from beneath the ugly wrapping of tape, tarps and metal fencing. As I walked north on Main, I found myself noticing the quiet more since there was plenty of it. The sounds that broke through my silent thoughts were Trax in the faint distance with metal on metal and a white bearded hippie-like man stringing along a brown toddler by his wrist asking me for change pretty please. It was strange to look inside empty buildings which emenated a creepy hallowness. I was in the middle of a bustling downtown yet this street was desolate. I can't wait to see what new life will spring up soon.

Jonathan and Dave have been inviting me and Jack to movie previews. Last week we saw Moneyball before it came out and tonight we got to see 50/50. The movie is about a cancer patient and his struggle through his illness. I enjoyed the movie a lot because it brought to light some of the issues people face when dealing with an illness such as cancer but it was funny enough that it didn't leave any of us feeling heavy. Andrew and Josh came with us but they walked there before Jack and me. On our way to the show, I stumbled upon this street gem and I had to take a picture. Real is right! Represent!

After the movie, Dave took me to meet up with Jonathan and some of their friends at the Ritz for a fun night of bowling. Jonathan pulled out this in the middle of our second game which made me want to try harder... He records everyone's scores and if you bowl enough, he develops a graph to check your progress. His average used to be 139 and now it's 135... this is how nerdy my friends are and I love it!

It looks like I am sitting on Jonathan's lap, but I'm not. I am not opposed to sitting on laps, but I am just clarifying this picture.

Ah, a fun night of funsies!

Amy xoxo

"Arms"

by Christina Perri

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home

Ps I always feel at home in SLC. When people ask me where I am from, I feel like I am from Heaven 1st and SLC 2nd.

Fulgurite

Seal singing to Heidi during the 2007 VS Fashion Show

Both photos from www.people.com

Seal and Heidi have been together since 2004. I want that kind of love in my life when it's 10 years later and we are still touching each other in public. Yes please and thank you.

This morning I made my decision, I am going on a mission. I feel like my naivety will play a role in this process much to my benefit and that is something I need right now. This path I have chosen is not an easy one, but like I have said before- I don't take easy paths and I am a fighter. I am like a lamb being led to the slaughter but in a good way because all of those people that partake of me are in for a real treat! Weird simile I know. Well, I feel a lot better now because I have a path laid out before me because of my one word decision- yes.

Thank you for your love, your prayers and your example to me. I appreciate you in so many ways.

Amy xoxo

"To Lose My Life"
by White Lies

He said to lose my life or lose my love
That's the nightmare I've been running from
So let me hold you in my arms a while
I was always careless as a child
And there's a part of me that still believes
My soul will soar above the trees
But a desperate fear flows through my blood
That our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Let's grow old together
And die at the same time
Let's grow old together
And die at the same time

I said I've got no time, I have to go
And I was more right than now I'll ever know
He said my heart is faint, will minds regret
And left him crying next to the chapel's steps

Let's grow old together
And die at the same time

Let's grow old together
And die at the same time

He said?

Let's grow old together
And die at the same time
Let's grow old together
And die at the same time

He said?

He said to lose my life or lose my love
That's the nightmare I've been running from
So let me hold you in my arms a while
I was careless as a child
There's a part of me that still believes
My soul will soar above the trees
A desperate fear flows through my blood
Our dead loves buried beneath the mud
A desperate fear flows through my blood
Our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Ps go and do

Thunder and Lightning

The ultimate test of any relationship is not to see if you can make it through the fun, happy times together but it is to see how you pull through the hard times.

I have always had a love for life and a desire to build relationships and friendships with the people around me. It is from these people that I draw my strength and inspiration- they are not a drain on me.



Every weekend Lauren visits, our time spent together gets better and better. I love how Lauren loves her sleep and play time as much as I do. Lauren has a great perspective on life. She always asks the right questions to clarify and to make me think about what it is I am feeling. She helps me sort through my emotions by telling me it is ok to be happy, to love, to cry, to be angry... this makes me think of my favorite scripture and I'm sorry if I've quoted it a million times. It's in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
Tonight I experienced what it means to embrace faith, let go of the past, forgive others and show love. I got home around 6pm with the intent to be active and organize my studio (apartment) a bit. I felt myself slipping into the darkness, questioning my life, and feeling empty because of the non-decisions I have been making. I do know that my greatest lesson in this life is to learn patience and that means patience for myself and I am my own worst critic. I need to allow myself some time to make the right decisions for myself, but sometimes I feel so slow!
I got a text from Lesley to come over to Jen's house for a girly discussion about Haley's progress in serving a mission. These are all girls I have come to love in the past year when we were in our 400+ single's ward together. So there we were tonight, circled in a discussion that was spiritually electrifying. Haley talked about her path from childhood to young adulthood and how she made her decision to serve a mission. Her path has not been easy and I look up to her so much. All of these girls have been such strong influences in my life because I have allowed them to be. It's been hard for me to constantly open myself up to people, especially girls, but I do it because I would rather get my heart trampled on a thousand times than ever be thought of as closed off and cold. I will continue to make myself vulnerable because taking risks is what I believe to be the best way to gain the biggest return.
Sitting in this inner circle, listening to Haley and then Lesley talk about their struggles and ultimately their successes, led me to feel of those close connections I have to their stories. It's funny because in the death of my relationship to Adam, I may argue that he has continued to teach me at the same level as if we were in a relationship. What I mean to say is he has been someone who I have continued to learn from and be inspired by. I didn't realize it until tonight, but our break up led to my ultimate change of heart and true conversion. I have never had to rely on the Lord for myself until Adam allowed me to do that for myself. He had a better perspective than me at first even though I was feeling the same as him (that we should wait to be get married) and I am glad that we ultimately could take the jump together even though we are currently on different paths.
I believe death is a strong pusher, a catalyst, and a motivator which helps push me along to reach my goals. The death of a relationship is no exception. With that said, I would like to celebrate the death of one relationship I have been dragging my feet in letting go of...Kyle... mainly because at the time, our relationship served its purpose in keeping me safe and I felt that letting go of him would mean letting go of my safety. I am alright on my own now. Letting go doesn't mean erasing the past, because what happened and what was felt is forever written on my heart. Letting go does not mean my past automatically loses its luster. And while I am sorry this post contains a lot about guys, there is no comparison between any of them except my resistance in letting go of them. I try not to speak about every little detail in my life including guys because I feel like they are contain an element of liquidity. But know this, for the first time in my life, I am able to stand on my own feet and make decisions without the acceptance of anyone but myself and God.

Amy xoxo

"Paradise"
by Coldplay

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
So she ran away in her sleep.

Dreamed of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Every time she closed her eyes.

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
And the bullets catch in her teeth.

Life goes on,
It gets so heavy,
The wheel breaks the butterfly.
Every tear, a waterfall.
In the night,
The stormy night,
She closed her eyes.
In the night,
The stormy night,
Away she flied.

I dream of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/coldplay-lyrics/paradise-lyrics.html ]
She dreamed of para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

La-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la.

Still lying underneath the stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun's set to rise.

This could be para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

Oh, oh. Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.

This could be para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Para-para-paradise,
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo...

Ps The sun always rises

The girl who couldn't cry

GORGEOUS

One of my favorite pictures from Kelly Wearstler's http://www.myvibemylife.com/

I woke up feeling refreshed. Finally. After this long work week, I needed to feel like I got some good sleep in. I felt like I could take on anything with ease...
All 7 of my customers left happy today. When my customers are happy, I feel like I did my job well and it makes me feel good.
I am sorting through a lot of emotionally charged situations right now. I can't come to most of my family and friends with what I'm going through because they are personal dilemas which only I can make decisions about. One thing in particular is something which I find bouncing in my head, but my prayers about it are never able to be delivered to the receiver. What am I scared about? The answer? Yes, and the accountability.
My to-do list is calling... bye bye

Amy xoxo

"Let Go"
by Frou Frou

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

[Chorus:]
So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[Background sounds]

[Chorus:]
So, let go,
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown


*BONUS*


"Breathe In"
by Frou Frou

I - read you - and god i'm good at it - i'm so spot on
Chord - shapes in air - go press that dissonance - if you dare
And you - breathing in - finesse an innocent
From her partying

And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
Cause i love you no?
Can't help but love, you know...

What - part of no - don't you understand - i've told you before
To just get - off my case - this isn't happening - stop this now
And i - where was i? - i have to be somewhere
Now where did i put it?

And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
Cause i love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...

Is this it - is this it - is this it?

Yes - hello we're back - and we're taking calls
Now what was the question?

And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
Cause i love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...

Ps I like being able to solve problems on my own, but I love having my support system close by to help solidify my decisions.

Shut up and kiss me

My ward is having a swimming/BBQ/open mic party tomorrow... FRIDAY! What a great way to kick off the weekend. Too bad I have to work on Saturday, I really wanted to make my famous french toast with strawberries and whipped cream. Perphaps another time...
The open mic opportunity inspired me to write this piece today although I highly doubt that I will do any sort of performing. I am not a monkey.


Soft breeze, hallow trees
whispers echo around us.
Doves fly, soldiers die
sympathies from the peacekeepers.
A new day, children play
smiles grow again.
Kiss my lips, cherry tips
tell me something sweet.
Clouds gather, people scatter,
rinse and repeat.

I started rearranging my house BIG TIME tonight. I moved a heavy bookshelf by myself into another part of my studio. It's super disheveled right now, but I am hoping to surprise everyone with how it turns out. My biggest goal is to get rid of the things I don't need and don't use and organize everything so they have their own place. Boxes help me compartmentalize everything in a clear way. I went to IKEA and bought some more pretty light green and deep turquoise boxes which I think should do the trick along with the shoe boxes I already have. I can't wait to show you what I come up with!

Amy xoxo

"Give in to Me"
by Leighton Meester and Garrett Hedlund

(Hedlund)
I'm gonna wear you down
I'm gonna make you see
I'm gonna get to you
You're gonna give into me

I'm gonna start a fire
You're gonna feel the heat
I'm gonna burn for you
You're gonna melt for me

(Hedlund&Meester)
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

(Meester)
You're gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you're ever sad
I'll make you laugh
I'll chase the hurt

(Hedlund&Meester)
My heart is set on you
I don't want no one else
And if you don't want me
I guess I'll be all by myself

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

(Meester)
I'll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I'm under your skin
I'll use my lips, I'll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me

(Hedlund&Meester)
Give into me
Give into me

Ps I am a silly girl when it comes to doodling and writing. I don't take myself too seriously. Everything I do is created with an element of fun.

Virgilianized

I am trying not to romanticize anything in my life. The sweet parts of my life include living on the median strip of boring and adapting to unexpected surprises- good and bad.

Jack told me his Myers-Briggs type is INTP. I was curious to see what my type is since it has been since HS when I first took the test; I am an ESFJ which is Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judgment. Found here, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ESFJ, I am considered a Guardian Provider. Here is more straight from the source:

E – Extraversion preferred to introversion: ESFJs often feel motivated by their interaction with people. They tend to enjoy a wide circle of acquaintances, and they gain energy in social situations (whereas introverts expend energy).
S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ESFJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.
F – Feeling preferred to Thinking: ESFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.
J – Judgment preferred to Perception: ESFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

ESFJs focus on the outside world and assess their experiences subjectively. They largely base their judgments on their belief system and on the effects of actions on people. ESFJs are literal and concrete, trusting the specific, factual information gathered through their physiological senses.

ESFJs project warmth through a genuine interest in the well-being of others. They are often skilled at bringing out the best in people, and they want to understand other points of view. They are serious about their responsibilities, seeing what needs to be done and then doing it. Generally proficient at detailed tasks, they enjoy doing little things that make life easier for others. They value tradition and the security it offers.

Easily hurt, ESFJs seek approval. They take pleasure in other people's happiness. They give generously but expect appreciation in return. Sensitive to the physical needs of others, they respond by offering practical care. As expert people readers, ESFJs often adapt their manner to meet the expectations of others. However, they may have difficulty recognizing the shortcomings of loved ones.

ESFJs tend to be vocal in expressing their sense of right and wrong. Their value system derives from the external standards defined by their community, as opposed to a personal set of ethics. (This is one of the traits that distinguishes them from their ENFJ counterparts.) ESFJs raised in an environment of high ethical standards tend to display true generosity and kindness.

ESFJs seek structured, controlled environments, and tend to be good at creating a sense of order. They generally feel insecure in an atmosphere of uncertainty.

This is only a test and I am not a person who can fit neatly into some labeled box, but I hope this gives you some insight into the kind of person I am a lot of the time :)

Tidbits about me, from me:
My favorite artists are Mary Blair, Alphonse Mucha, Kelly Wearstler, and Heather Bailey. My idols are Gwen Stefani and Gwyneth Paltrow. Some of my favorite movies involve actress Alison Lohman- Big Fish, Flicka, Matchstick Men and White Oleander, with the later movie changing my perception of my relationship with my mother very drastically (for the better). I want to read the book.
One of my most prized possessions is my grandmother's class ring from Granite HS in 1937. My grandfather let me choose a piece from my deceased grandmother's collection once I was to be married. I wasn't the oldest grandchild, so many others got to choose pieces before me including my sister. I was surprised when something so precious was left but I didn't argue with their choices. I didn't hold it against anyone who chose other amazing pieces, I actually welcomed the fact that I believe I was meant to hold this ring proudly on my finger and let it live in the place she did, SLC. It is my only living connection to my grandmother besides her blood which flows through me- two very powerful things which I possess.


Amy xoxo

"The Sound of Winter"
by Bush

Mind strong, Body strong
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, screwed on
Been screwed up for too long

I don't want to lean on the waves
I watch the storm evaporate
I think of you in starry skies
I keep you so alive

Let's walk through the fire together
Disappear in the golden sands

It's all in your face
I see you break
It's like the sound of winter
The bleeding love, the silent escape
You've got to hang on to yourself
It's like the sound of winter

Medusa smiles, Judas lips
Open arms and finger tips
Love bites and recompense
I'll be with you until the end
Let's walk through the fire together
Disappear in the golden sands

It's all in your face
I see you break
It's like the sound of winter
The bleeding love, the silent escape
You've got to hang on to yourself

It's all in your face
I see you break
It's like the sound of winter
The bleeding love, the silent escape
You've got to hang on to yourself

It's like the sound of winter

Ps Moneyball with Brad Pitt is a great movie, see it! He looks like a cross between Robert Redford and Benicio Del Torro

The highs of lows

Hello my loves, another day in paradise? My creative mind is flowing today. I hope you can follow along with ease.

I found this quote on my friend Sam's blog a few weeks ago and I've been pondering it ever since.
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley
Great love cannot exist where selfishness and apprehension are allowed to live. I have experienced this belief so fully that it makes my heart cry. I didn't understand the full weight of how selfishness squelches love until today. It makes perfect sense to me now only because I've been dissecting the downfall of my previous relationships and my accountability in their demise. I can't believe I was willing to take the hit in allowing any form of selfishness into my life. What a waste! Others may find they can allow that kind of hallowness into their lives, but I cannot. I am not perfect by any means, but I know this is a righteous desire- to eliminate selfishness from my life.

Today I made a beautiful discovery that I want to share with you. I've been listening to the band Circa Survive for a few years. I only have one album called "On Letting Go" but I've heard songs from a few others. They hit a nerve in me where only music can communicate to my soul. Sounds dramatic but it's not, I am saying that their music can touch me in a way other music does not and cannot. Well, I was perusing www.candancejean.com/journal as I have been for a few days and I came across one of her favorite artists, Easo Andrews. I've seen his work before from his blog about his dog Soybean (see link below). All of the connections started errupting like fireworks in my brain! A blog I saw a while ago about a dog named Soybean was started by his owner, Easo Andrews who is a favorite artist of Candace's, who is one of my new favorite artists who I bought a piece from at the Avenues Street Fair on Saturday. Oh but just you wait, the connections get better! Easo Andrews is the artist who designed all of Circa Survive's album cover art! Whoa whoa whoa!

Untitled Thinker by Easo Andrews, one of Candace's favorites

This painting by Easo Andrews is hauntingly gorgeous. I had to look away a few times before I was able to start examining it. What do you think? Here is a quote by Andrews "...I'm afraid of becoming labelled. I'm young and I'm early in my career, but things have been picking up, and I've become obsessed with this issue. Like, I don't want to be known as one of those people that paints wide-eyed girls. I've been trying to diversify my subject matter and not necessarily always include funny elements like I usually do." While I don't necessarily think it's terrible to be an artist who is known for one thing, I do have the same feelings as Andrews. I want to be known for a wide range of art from painting, to collage work, all the way to making beautiful children. That is really going to be my best piece of work.

Circa Survive's "On Letting Go" album, cover art by Easo Andrews. I actually saw this as a tattoo on a guy's arm a few weeks ago and I was able to spout out to him that I like the band Circa Survive too and he was thoroughly surprised by my intelligence for the origin of this tat.

Circa Survive's "Juturna" album, cover art by Easo Andrews

Esao Andrews also launched this website which posts pictures of this ridiculously cute pup, Soybean. Check it out here: http://soybeanwashere.tumblr.com/

And since we are posting pictures today, I thought I would throw in a few pieces of the crafty things I do. People always ask me what kind of art I like to do. It's hard for me to choose one thing like painting because I love anything which extends my creativity. It's like my clothing- that is an extension of not only what I like to wear, it's an extension of my art. I am my own best art piece. Advent Calendar I made Christmas 2010 (although I started making them a few years ago)

Treasure gift box I made Christmas 2010 for Serra.

I hope you enjoyed the picture show!
Thanks for stopping by :)

Amy xoxo

Percussion Gun
by White Rabbits

Well how do you do?
The kiss on the cheek
It's been a while
So I'll just beg, borrow
And steal all your time
Well crawl dignified
And now it seems to be caught in drags
Cause I know which way to run
You're tired my love
I feel the same
Well take it from me
What else could you do?
Where do you get off
And how can I get there, too?
All your time well call well dignify
And now it seems to be caught in drags
So I know it's what you want
You're tired my love
I feel the same

You''ll never come back
My god can't you see that
I know it's way too wrong
You're tired my love
I feel the same
So let them run and speak my name

Well if you wanna seee you rise and shine
It might not be true but this is fine
Cause I know it's way too wrong
You're tired my love
I feel the same
So let them run and speak my name
Now even this were jumping ship
This is getting to be to much
Cause I...

Ps 11+ hours at work today, I am tired but everything I did for the rest of the night made up for it

Jack's Mannequin

I can't believe the weekend rushed by so fast. It was like a giant pile of leaves and some kid just climbed up my happy tree and jumped onto the pile, distributing the leaves all over my nice, clean yard. This scenario would work if I had a yard and if there was a tree with big, Fall-like orange and yellow leaves. Have you noticed the weather feeling cooler? I can always feel the Fall coming and it starts with the air. I'd like to think there is some sort of magic to be witnessed around this time of year. I will keep my optimistic ears open in the hopes of hearing something.

Chris and I had a fun time eating out, going to events like the Dew Tour and Avenues Street Fair and doing activities like going to a waterpark, shopping and seeing the movie Contagion on the iMAX screen. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Chris. I think the ease of communicating came from him more than it came from me. I am inclinded to say my Chrisy is all grown up. Before when we were in college, Chris was insecure. Forgive me for exposing the truth on my blog Christopher. That was the number two reason I couldn't continue dating him for the short time out of our long friendship in which we took a chance to date each other. The number one reason I couldn't date Chris still holds firm today- it's not right. I don't see our paths converging. It breaks my heart to feel love for someone but not in the way they want me to feel that love for them. There are so many people, guys in particular that I know I could have a happy life with. I can't simply love someone and expect a relationship to flourish out of that love. I need to be IN LOVE with someone, they need to inspire me on every level and we need to have similar goals so that we may have a common foundation in which to start and grow from together. Is this exposing too much about my life? Hopefully so, I think you're here to know more about me.

This picture is of Candace of http://www.candacejean.com/ I bought a print of hers at the Avenues Street Fair this weekend called The Five Feathers. I am so happy I asked Chris to buy this for me and told him I would pay him back since I didn't have any cash with me. Best purchase in a while! Funny thing, I love butterflies and the one on Candace's desk is no exception. I remember going to one of my favorite events, The Arizona Renissance Festival in February 2006. I really wanted this trio of brightly colored butterflies but I thought, what would I do with this piece? OOO now I know, as soon as I set up a mini art studio in my studio apartment, I will buy some sort of butterfly homage and set it close to my desk. I can't express to you how beautiful butterflies are to me.

If you want the juicy truth, it's that I'm doing well. I am working on a few smaller goals for myself such as starting and completing one art project a week :) My life will be changing a bit starting next week. Lauren sold her car a few weeks ago with the intention of moving shortly thereafter for PA to be closer to her family and sole support system. She can't move now because of the custody battle with her son which has now begun in ID. I received a prompting once and I won't ignore it for my own selfish comfort. I have decided to loan my car to Lauren for a while. She is traveling here to SLC this weekend and will be driving my car back to ID after that. I am glad my car will be of use to someone who needs it more than me. I'll be ok, I work and live within a mile of all that I need... grocery store, shopping mall, laundry room... And if anything, walking to and from work will help me feel productive since I can't run for a bit. I want to talk about my race on Saturday but I'm not ready to face those emotions and tell you how awful I did. There were two good things about the race which I can tell you about: 1) I had the company of my amazing friends and 2) I finished the race- no cheating which would have been easy to do. I guess I'm not really the easy way kind of girl. I am more of the fight my way to the death kind of girl. My race came back to me as I watched the movie, "The Way Back" with Jack last night. It's an excellent movie which I give two thumbs up. It reminded me, I won't ever give up.

Amy xoxo

"Black Sheep"
by Metric

Black sheep, come home
Black sheep, come home
Black sheep, come home

Hello again, friend of a friend
I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip
Shape-shift and trick
The past again

I'll send you my love on a wire
Light you up every time
Everyone, ooh
Pulls away, ooh
From you

Got balls of steel
Got an automobile for a minimum wage
Got real estate, I'm buying it all up in outer space
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip
Shape-shift and trick
The past again

I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up every time
Everyone, ooh
Pulls away, ooh

It's a mechanical bull at number one
You'll take a ride from anyone
Everyone wants a ride
Pulls away, ooh
From you

Ps Thank you for loving me despite everything negative about me which presses against the good that is inside of me.

Dudes and Dudettes

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me, everyone will always build their own perception of me based on truths, half-truths and falsities. Some opinions I can influence, but controlling anyone except for myself is something which I cannot. I would rather be thought of as the girl who flirts/dates a lot than the girl who is closed off to the world. I cannot help but be open to the pleasure as well as the pain. I will not change myself to conform to someone else's ideals. I know what is right for myself and I have the freedom to choose. I choose to be cautious in my decorum, my flirtatious behavior, and in extending myself beyond what I can afford to give up, but I will still allow myself to be open to the adventures in heartache. Let the frenzy of the optimist begin.

I took a vacation day because my friend Chris was in town to visit me. We went to my favorite breakfast food resturant, Millcreek Cafe in SLC. They always have a special of the day which makes my belly so happy to consume. I ordered the banana walnut pancakes with bacon and eggs. I was thinking, if you switch the first letters of banana walnut to wanana balnut it sounds really funny. This is how my mind works, go with it... a never ending free flowing stream of thoughts where everything is connected. I am sure you are connected in my brain sandwiched somewhere between apples and lingere.

Amy xoxo

"Somewhere I Belong"
by Linkin Park

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Ps I saw a lot of hot dads at the pool today. Kudos to them for staying hot! Btw, if you are thinking homewrecker, let me help mold your opinion and say no, I would never break up a marriage because of a lustful thought.

Curiouser and curiouser!

I was feeling sorry for myself on the way home from my 10.5 hour workday. It was confirmed to me by a doctor today that I have IT Band Syndrome. My left leg hurts. I feel like a baby even talking about it because it def makes me weaker than not having it. Just when I was crying "Poor me!" in my head, I saw a woman struggling to walk. She was hobbling slower than a snail's pace on the sidewalk, her shoulder grazing the tall stone wall to her left. It wasn't until I passed her that I could fully see her plight, she had one leg. I wrote this to Jack today, "I got teary eyed. I couldn't believe how blatant Heavenly Father was with his message. I am beyond blessed, I never have room to complain, even if it's alone in my thoughts." Amen.

Here is a fun survey about me so you get to know a few tidbits:

fav color: It's always been blue but honorable mention goes to pink then green
fav drink: Pina Colada then Dr. Pepper
fav food: Sushi
fav tv show: I really enjoyed Lost for a variety of reasons. First, there isn't a show like it. Second, the characters are all hot and on a tropical island. Third, I love all of the symbolism throughout the show.
fav movie: The Breakfast Club
fav dessert: For pie, it's coconut cream. I love frozen yogurt usually with kiwis and gummy bears.
fav clothing store: Everything inside Anthropologie is pretty and pretty expensive! I did buy a pair of $80 shoes from there once that I fell in love with when they were $190 and I waited so patiently!
fav number: 24 and 7
fav accessories: Bold statement pieces which stand alone, like a jade green necklace. Right now I am loving on my Coach bag Lauren gave me for FREE! Lauren says it's fake but I don't care :)
fav season: Fall!
fav animal: It was the Koala when I was 6 and I have no idea why. I am def an animal lover! I want to have 1 or 2 dogs when I have a family. I know this is an insect but I love butterflies.
fav band/singer: Lifehouse and favorite singer is Steven McKellar from Civil Twilight. Seeing that band perform live was one of the best decisions I ever made. I became so emotional from hearing them perform, it was one of the most powerful things I have ever felt.
fav pastime: Lately it's been running, writing, and doodling.

Amy xoxo

"Falling In"
by Lifehouse

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I can't wait till tomorrow
This feeling has swallowed me whole
And know that I've lost control
This heart that I've followed
Has left me so hollow
That was then, this is now, yeah you have changed everything

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I'm standing in your driveway
It's midnight and I'm sideways
To find out if you feel the same
Won't be easy, have my doubts too
But it's over, without you I'm just lost, incomplete
Yeah you feel like home, home to me

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

All those nights I stayed awake
Thinking of all the ways to make you mine
All of those smiles will never fade
Never run out of ways to blow my mind

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in
Don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

Ps Sometimes after a long day, when you have been solving problems for others and helping them out, all you want to do is be taken care of. I came home to an empty feeling apartment filled with useless things. I cannot wait to have a fun weekend. My weekend starts now! No work for me tomorrow! YAHOO!!

Step it up

My heart is full. I still feel like I am floating sometimes. I've been a little more grounded but every once in a while I will get this far away look and the person I am with knows I am no longer present. I am spinning away like a tire with no brake. Who will be my brake pad?

I haven't experienced many times in my life where prayer has been hard for me, but this is one of those times. I feel close to my Heavenly Father and I know he loves me and wants to help me, but it is my own foolishness which holds me back from praying properly. I am not ready to receive the answers that I have been seeking. There has been something which has been pressing on my mind on and off since I was young and now the time has come to receive the answer yes or no. I feel like I am not ready for this. Lauren told me today that it's a hard thing to float, to live with the unknown answer. She said no matter what my answer is, knowing is always better than wondering.

It's not too much to ask to have a partner who inspires me on every level. I don't want to talk about any of my past loves specifically, but know that's who I am looking for. I need a guy who helps me spiritually by encouraging me to search the scriptures with him daily. I need a guy who gently reminds me. I need a guy who appreciates me steaming his clothes for work. I need a guy who tells me about some foreign disease he just heard about and how interesting it is. I need a guy who laughs at the little and the big things, a guy who is always willing to smile with me. I need a guy who can see all of my faults and is ok with me not being as smart as him at math. I am not a math girl. And hey, he may not be a creative guy, but we can learn from one another. I need to inspire him too. I need a guy who is confident enough with himself that he is secure in our relationship. I don't need or even want a guy who is perfect- perfection is not something I am seeking.

I know my life is whatever I want it to be. I want to be happy. always. And guess what? I am pretty freakin happy right now! It's because I make that choice every day. You make it a lot easier.

Amy xoxo

"Junk Of The Heart (Happy)"
by The Kooks

Junk of the heart is junk of my mind
So hard to leave you all alone,
We get so drunk that we can hardly see
What used to that, but you aren't me baby,
See I notice nothing makes you shatter no no
You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart,
But are you mine?

[Chorus]
I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive,
Let me make you happy,
I wanna make you feel alive at night,
I wanna make you happy
If you're a good girl tonight
Yeah

A ship to be sunk, life is not a race,
When I'm not happy I'm in disgrace
So I spend time with pissing on you oh
You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart,
But are you mine?

[Chorus]
I wanna make you happy,
I wanna make you feel alive,
Let me make you happy,
I wanna make you feel alive at night,
I wanna make you happy
If you're a good girl tonight.
Yeah

(la la-la-lala)

Still I notice nothing makes you shatter no no
You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart.
But are you mine?

[Chorus]
I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive,
Let me make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive at night,
I wanna make you happy,
If you're a good girl tonight.

Ps

Tuesday Sprinklers

My day started with my typical T, Th, Sat run with Rachel and Stephanie @ 5:45am. I won't pretend I was the courageous one who got out of bed soley on my own. After they confirmed they would be awake and ready to run on time, I knew I couldn't let my girls down. I am glad I got my butt out of bed! Whenever I run, my thoughts shift through my head with ease and control. I am glad I have this physical outlet.

Work was pleasant and I even got to see some of my old customers from MA. I found out she is an acrylic artist! She showed me her amazing abstract work and I showed her my piece that sold at Saturday's art show. We all ended up hugging because I was able to get them a small SUV for a sedan size rate. I love making people happy.

After work, Andrew told me he was making spaghetti and I quickly agreed to join him at his invitation. His dinner was legit! He cooked hamburger for the sauce while I made the garlic bread; it felt good to be in a kitchen preparing a good meal with good company. I've been thinking about why I enjoy hanging out with Jack and Andrew so much and I think it's because I feel appreciated, respected and enjoyed by them. I know they are going to get sick of me coming around every day, but for now I am enjoying our time spent hanging out.

Jack got home from work and we both rushed over to our stake ultimate frisbee match. There were a ton of people playing when we arrived! We had enough people for 6 teams! Jack and I played with Johnny and Nic's team at first. Then we were asked by David to join an All Star team if we wanted to participate. I was excited because Steph was on it and I hadn't seen her or Rachel since we arrived. I had a lot of fun playing even though I tore my knee up a little bit again... I wore leggings but no bandaid :( I am of the opinion that I can't keep worrying about getting hurt, I am going to keep playing hard. It's like my leg hurting from possibly IT Band Syndrome, I can't keep worrying about it and thinking about the pain, I just need to keep going. I will do what I can to keep myself healthy by stretching properly, eating healthy, etc. but I am not going to baby myself. Life is too short not to live every moment to the fullest. I may not be here tomorrow and I want to look back and say I played hard and enjoyed every moment and took every possible risk to be the happiest I could. I will have an enjoyable life and I may die trying to accomplish this, but at least I am dying doing what I love and becoming the best person possible. I will not let my passion for life die in the comforting confines of my home. I was meant for more than a shelf life.

With that being said, I had a great time going to Miles' birthday party with Jack and Andrew. I am glad they came and got to know some of my other friends like Miles, Shannon, Rachel, Erica, Tyler and Mike. It was fun to play the card game Nerts aka Rummy with everyone. I enjoy hanging out with my friends so much because they are the closest thing to family that I have :)

After the party on our way home, Jack said it would be fun to run through the sprinklers as he pointed outside to some turned on in the distance. He didn't think I would actually hold him to it, pull the car over and start running in the direction of the wet rockets. Wet and laughing, we ran to our hearts delight. It was fun to be carefree and happy. I am always happy and it feels so good. I wish I could bottle these moments of happiness up and open them when I need to remember... maybe that's why I keep this online journal? I wouldn't change my life for anything. I would not trade these moments for any amount of money, power, or priviledge- I hold them too dear. If I were to die tomorrow, I would say follow the Spirit always. That is the one thing that has given me the direction I have always needed. I cannot deny my life is prone to failures, falls and rough spots, but those are things I look forward to because I can do anything through Christ which strengthens me, Philippians 4:13 :) And in the end, all of these heartaches are worth the end result.

Amy xoxo

"Slipped Away"
by Avril Lavigne

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Ps I think I found something I've been looking for as I had a deja vu moment tonight. A dream I had many years ago about a specific place was a place I was in tonight. It was magical. My night was something I cannot describe now, but I know one day I will find the words. Shocking, speechless and spine tingling!