The trouble with people

I found out what was wrong with my car on Monday... ME. Why do I hate pumping fuel so much? WHY! There are times I am poor and to fill up my car with $60 is a lot... so filling up with $20 seems more reasonable but then I would have to fill up my car again sooner after that $20 of fuel is gone so I go as long as I possibly can... do you see where this story is going? Sad.

On Monday, I ran out of gas. Because I was in such shock and disbelief, I kept trying to start up my car and I ran the battery dead. When my battery was jumped, a fuse blew.... woe is me. So I learned a costly lesson after having my car towed to the dealership- fill up with fuel and don't wait.

After working a full day and closing the store for 2 hours, Dave picked me up from work for bowling. Dave is my Jonathan replacement now that he is dating Kristen. I'm not complaining Jon Bon has found love, but it would be nice to still have my friend around. And I'm not complaining that I have Dave because he certainly keeps me more grounded. I like our chats.

Bowling wasn't quite what I expected because I bowled HORRIBLY. I get in a crabby mood when I bowl poorly and then I look at my whiner self and laugh and realize I am silly. Maybe I get crabby because after most people bowl, they walk away from their scores but not me... Jon Bon records every.single.score. I am progressively getting worse. The last time that I bowled well was when I was in a heightened emotional state. Emotional bowler? Yes, I think so.

But I had a fun night :)

Amy xoxo

"Lake Michigan"
by Rogue Wave

Heaven is a switchboard that you want to fight
she would even miss you if you taught her sight
power politician leaning to the right
baby's got a trust fund
that she'll want to go off like that
get off of my stack
leave a little window
get off of my stack
now we wear same-colored yellow uniforms
sky is burning
but at least we're warm
go and run yourself a million miles
hoping that the colors run out
and you go off like that
get off of my stack
leave a little window
get off of my stack

you can never see yourself
ringing all around it

no one is on lake michigan
you labored on, lake michigan

not another payoff
get off of my stack
leave a little window
get off of my stack
you know it won't do
get off of my stack

If you don't want to play the game, step out of the arena

On the days I don't work at the boutique, I get a lot accomplished. It doesn't feel like a non- work day because I work my tail off- just a non-work day at the boutique. These are the days I usually get my laundry and grocery shopping done. They are also the days my house looks the cleanest.

My home teachers stopped by for a bit and chatted with me. I think Kyle and Max are great guys. At this point, it was only a half an hour before my date with Jeff and I had no idea what to wear. I asked them and Kyle responded with a smile and said, "Act like the Bishop is there with you." Thanks Kyle for making my clothing decision 10x harder. What I mean is that of course I'm going to go out dressed modestly- anything less would seem superficial and tacky and yes, desperate. But to add another person like the Bishop to my date jumbled things in my head even if it was a silly comment. But like I said, I am a silly girl sometimes and I realize I am being silly about something so small like what to wear. I find it interesting that I was nervous for this particular occasion...

So I did what any responsible girl would do at this moment and I called my bgff Lauren. She thought it was funny I was nervous too. Somehow talking to her always puts me at ease. Maybe I should now tell you what I wore since I've made such a big deal about it in this post? I went ballerina style and wore mustard yellow flats which lace up the ankle like a boot. Then I wore light gray leggings with a black wool short skirt with big black buttons down the front and a light and dark gray floral 3/4 inch sleeved cotton top.

Jeff picked me up and we drove a few blocks to Pagoda, a sushi restaurant. You can never go wrong taking me out for sushi rolls! I don't know what it is but conversation flows with Jeff. Maybe it's because we don't know a lot about each other? Whatever it is, I had a fun time talking with him and eating great food. I think I've posted enough silliness on this post, so off I go!

Amy xoxo

"I Gave You All"

by Mumford & Sons

Rip the earth in two with your mind
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
I never meant you any harm
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm

But close my eyes for a while
Force from the world a patient smile

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won

But I gave you all

Close my eyes for a while
Force from the world a patient smile

But I gave you all

But you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won

Well now you've won

Attack of the machines

I woke up at 10am to the sound of my phone ringing.

It was Michelle, my Auntie Susan's gf from middle school. We've hung out a few times. Like at The Depot in 2009- photo from L to R is Susan, me, Tawny, Michelle and Jennifer. Sorry about the kissy face. Anyways, Michelle called to ask if I knew of anyone who could drive her to her doctor's appointments- namely the ones today starting at 11am. I usually work Mondays at the boutique but there was a change in the schedule last minute and I was switched to a different day, so I was free all day. I know things happen for a reason so I told Michelle, actually I think I am the person who is supposed to take you to your appointments today. I can and I will! Out of respect for Michelle, I won't broadcast here personal ailments online, but I will tell you she has it worst than most people I know.

Our first appointment was at one of the doctor's offices at the LDS Hospital up the street from my house. I was texting my neighbor Jeff where I was at because I know he works there. Funny thing was, right when I sent him a text of my location, here he comes around the corner, reading my text of where I am at and then he looks up at me. Total coincidence! Funny that he was on his way to where I was at without even knowing I was there. Thank you to his coworker Alan for needing gum or something... Michelle and Jeff met. After Jeff walked away Michelle said he was super cute, hot actually. She also commented that he has a great energy about him. And I promised to fill her in on how my date with him tomorrow night goes. I am actually really excited and nervous! Me, nervous? Yes. There is nothing to be nervous about, I'm just being a dumb girl.

So after getting Michelle to her two appointments... almost 7 hours later...

I was on my way to dinner with my gf Jenna at Blue Lemon. We had a great hour long conversation and I felt like we helped each other sort out a lot of things in our personal lives. Afterwards I asked Jenna if she needed a ride home since she walked. We were waiting at the intersection of South Temple and State Street when my car stopped. Stopped. Jenna got out while I miserably attempted to help her push. This is after me freaking out. My car was out of gas. Now you know just how much I hate pumping gas. haha I almost wrote pimping gas. That too- I HATE pimping gas! lol But seriously, can I hire you to pump my gas? I will pay you in pie. Pie is the answer to everything... What a true friend Jenna is. Guys, she is a great girl because she did not freak out. She was calm and not angry and never worried beyond normal.

So after pushing my car to the side of the road, Adam came and tried to jump it, but nothing... I had to have it towed to the dealership. My poor car, what have I done to you? Good thing I had my lemon drops Michelle bought me earlier. Lifesaver! Same to Jenna and Adam. I don't know what I would do without my friends. I know so many people are willing to help me. Thanks guys, I love you.

So after the car fiasco, Adam and I hit up Dani's first day of work party. I love how Dani and Erika have decorated their apartment. I guess some people hate it Dani said. Not me. I could live there. A vanity decorated with phonebook pages? Genius! Give it to me now. Something you must know about me- I need a vanity and I love love love them. I grew up with an old vanity set in my room and I love sitting down at them to get ready and do my make-up. Thanks Mom. You gave me a bit of your antique bug. It's all your fault ;)

Amy xoxo

"Slow Hands"

by Interpol

Yeah but nobody searches
Nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
And I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me
Dissipate in a violet place

Can't you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now

We spies
We slow hands
Put the weights all around yourself
We spies
Oh yeah we slow hands
You put the weights all around yourself now

I submit my incentive is romance
I watched the pole dance of the stars
We rejoice because the hurting is so painless
>From the distance of passing cars
But I am married to your charms & grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you

Can you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now

We spies
Yeah we slow hands
You put the weights all around yourself
We spies
Oh yeah we slow hands
Killer, for hire you know not yourself

We spies
We slow hands
You put the weights all around yourself
We spies
Oh yeah we slow hands
We retire like nobody else
We spies
Intimate slow hands killer
For hire you know not yourself
We spies
Intimate slow hands
You let the face slap around herself

How to destroy a relationship

I usually get what I want. Insert high school story here:

When I was in 10th grade, I wanted to go to the Homecoming dance with Michael Landis. He was a jock, handsome in some respects and I knew nothing about him except that he existed. My mind was fixed that I wanted to go to the dance with Michael Landis. Once my mind is fixed on something, even more so on someone, that is what I want and who I want and nothing else will do. I believed that whatever I wanted could be mine. And so, I went to the Homecoming dance with Michael Landis.

This has been my life. "If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it." That has been a driving force for me for much of my life. The only guy I can think of that I never got the chance to explore a dating relationship with was Eddie Brown. Granted I was 14 and not old enough to date and by the time 16 came around, he was already in love with his wife to be. In a lot of ways I don't mind those circumstances given the fact that we were so young.

But now, the ugly truth of my life is apparent to me- that I find no sport in dating. I don't think playing with hearts is something I enjoy, but I do think it's something I do to a certain degree. There is no sport in something when it's easy. You can learn to enjoy what you have and what circumstances you are dealing with, but sometimes there is no pleasure in that process. I am sick of this dating process. I am sick of guys feeding me the line, "You are so beautiful." I GET IT, I am beautiful. It's not that I don't like hearing it, because I do when the moment is right. But I can see through the falsity. Don't try to make out with me and act like you had the upper hand. Because really, all I wanted was to conquer you and that's exactly what I did. Who was playing who?

Now you know my inner most thoughts about dating- love is a whole different topic open for discussion. There is no real sport in dating; I don't enjoy it like other participants do. It's because I feel like I make my own rules which means that I always win. When you're used to winning, losing feels like a bigger deal than it really is.

Amy xoxo

"Iron"

by Woodkid

Deep in the ocean, dead and cast away
Where innocence is burned, in flames
A million mile from home, I'm walking ahead
I'm frozen to the bones, I am...

A soldier on my own, I don't know the way
I'm riding up the heights of shame
I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest
I'm ready for the fight, and fate

The sound of iron shocks is stuck in my head,
The thunder of the drums dictates
The rhythm of the falls, the number of dead's
The rising of the horns, ahead

From the dawn of time to the end of days
I will have to run, away
I want to feel the pain and the bitter taste
Of the blood on my lips, again

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands,
I'm frozen to the bones, I am
A million mile from home, I'm walking away
I can't remind your eyes, your face

The one in white

80th post- cool to know I've been writing that much. I slept pretty good, new sheets will do that for me. I love crawling into a bed with crisp, brand new washed sheets.

I bury it. I dig deep and I keep it safe so no one can see me. Who I really am. I wish I could write my inner most thoughts here. Do you understand? I want to write so you know I am human and I do things for my own self-interest. I want you to know me. Not that writing is an extremely accurate way to get to know me, but what is? Spoken or written, I am a little dramatic in both areas.

Bob picked me up at 9am and we went hiking. It was refreshing to do something active and out of my normal work, eat, sleep routine. We started up Ensign Peak and when we got to the top, out of breath I felt victorious. Who else was hiking on Thanksgiving morning? I was. With Bob. It was windy but I didn't mind. We made it.

Afterwards, we went back to Bob's house where we watched a bit of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade while we both read different books of our choosing. I am was almost finished with Crossed, the book I am reading- about 100 pages left!

Then I left to have Thanksgiving at Adam's family's house. He totally felt sorry for me. It's not that I mind hospitality, but I mind people feeling sorry for me and I feel it's a feeling Adam has for me far too often. I can handle it though, because it's Adam. Everything he does, naughty or nice, transcends the barrier of conditional love. I think that's the most dangerous territory to be in (because feelings are at stake here), but I look on in amusement over the things he does sometimes and they don't phase me like they would with other people. I admit, that would be a tough situation for any guy wanting to date me to come in to. All I can say is, maybe this is me asking, am I worth the fight? The last guy bailed claiming I was, but sadly he lied to me and more so to himself. Not that I am trying to create any more drama then needs be, but when you think about it, life is one dramatic fight and finish on this beautiful journey to the end. Maybe I am merely channeling some of that energy?

I tackled many hurdles today. I saw Adam's family for the first time in many months. Of course it was wonderful- his family is nothing short of welcoming. And for my last trick... drum roll... I managed to get Adam to see Breaking Dawn!! And the best part is that he enjoyed himself. Maybe the movie was in poor taste for him, but he still enjoyed himself. And really, isn't that what matters?

I stayed over until 1130 because I had to finalize one last loose end- I had to finish my book. At the end the main character is strong, assertive and resilient. Even though this book was about a fight through the cavernous desert, this book was about my life. She survived and even exceeded her own expectations of what she thought was possible for herself. I too am making my own way and I am enjoying every moment I create.

Amy xoxo

"Anyone's Ghost"

by The National

Say you stayed at home
Alone with the flu
Find out from friends
That wasn't true
Go out at night with your headphones on, again
And walk through the Manhattan valleys of the dead

Didn't want to be your ghost
Didn't want to be anyone's ghost
Didn't want to be your ghost
Didn't want to be anyone's ghost

But I don't want anybody else
I don't want anybody else

You said I came close
As anyone's come
To live underwater
For more than a month
You said it was night inside my heart, it was
You said it should tear a kid apart, it does

Didn't want to be your ghost
Didn't want to be anyone's ghost
Didn't want to be your ghost
Didn't want to be anyone's ghost

But I don't want anybody else
I don't want anybody else
I don't want anybody else
I don't want anybody else

I had a hole in the middle where the lightning went through it
Told my friends not to worry
I had a hole in the middle someone's sideshow wouldn't do it
I told my friends not to worry

Didn't want to be your ghost
Didn't want to be anyone's ghost
Didn't want to be your ghost
Didn't want to be anyone's ghost

Ps I am thankful for my amazing life. My family, my friends, and all of my blessings. I hope you feel this is everything I write, everyday. It's never an afterthought.

With assertiveness comes confidence in all things

Warning to my sissy Liisa: do not read this post unless you want to read some of the book Crossed. I am giving away some things because I am posting directly from the book :) Love you.

"Love has different shades. Like the way I loved Cassia when I thought she'd never love me. The way I loved her on the Hill. The way I love her now that she came into the canyon for me. It's different. Deeper. I thought I loved her and wanted her before, but as we walk through the canyon I realize this could be more than a new shade. A whole new color."

"I think he's remembering again that everyone is gone. You wouldn't think you can forget but sometimes you can-for a moment or two. I've never been able to decide if I think that's a good thing or a bad thing. Forgetting lets you live without the pain for a moment but remembering hits hard."

"I try to calm myself, tell myself it's all right. Living things have flown from tighter spaces than this. I'm just a butterfly, a mourning cloak, sealed inside a cocoon with blind eyes and sticky wings. And suddenly, I wonder if the cocoons sometimes do not open, if the butterfly inside is ever simply not strong enough to break through.

A sob escapes my throat.

"Help," I say.

"It will be alright," he says. "Push along a little more."

And even in my panic, I hear the music in his deep voice, the sound of singing. I close my eyes, imagining my breath is his own, that he is with me."

These passages speak to me. They talk of love and of life. I am loving my book so far. I only have 90 more pages to go. I love how naive the characters are and how much they are discovering. I feel a lot like them. I realize I am very naive at times but I am learning and I am happy. More so I am learning to be happy always but that is something I have been developing over the course of my life and it's something which I feel comes naturally for me.

You know those moments which you are embedded deep down in to? And if you could just hold on for a while longer, suck more of the juice of that heaven then that moment could take you through the coming hard times you know are about to happen? Yes, that is how I feel about my life. There are times which are so sweet and so appealing to me that I never want to leave but I know that I must. I know that I need to leave in order to progress. I need to leave, but it won't be easy.

Amy xoxo

"Sky Blue Sky"
by Wilco

Oh, the band marched on in formation
The brass was phasing tunes I couldn't place
Windows open and raining in
Maroon, yellow, blue, gold and gray

The drunks were ricocheting
The old buildings downtown
Empty so long ago
Windows broken and dreaming
So happy to leave what was my home

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn't seem so bad to me now
Oh, I didn't die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn't seem so bad to me now
Oh, if I didn't die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

Drop it like it's hot

I am creating a bad habit. I'll wake up at 8am, read until 8:30 or 8:45 and then fall back asleep until 11 am which spins me into this crazy dream world- not the good kind where you are on a sunny beach kissing Brad Pitt.

Ah, today I had the whole day to myself. No work and all the time of today to myself. I got so much accomplished! I cleaned my whole apartment. I threw things away, consolidated, grew my goodwill/DI pile, and organized almost everything! I want you to come and see it!

Later tonight after reading a bit today, I took Bob out on a surprise date which I created all on my own. I took him to one of my favorite sushi restaurants and then we came back to my place where we looked at my art portfolio and looked through an art book of concert posters I purchased a few months ago. I always have a good time reading and looking at books with Bob. Is that our thing? We've almost made it a tradition and it's one I wouldn't mind keeping.

Amy xoxo

"Bubbles"
by Biffy Clyro

Well how's your view of things today?
Got up young to fade away
The sinners sin but aren't aware
Our fables take us everywhere
I can't keep up with you
I can't keep up

I can't compete with history
We'll film it live but dub our tale
The mystery must stay inside
Look at our homes, look at our lives
In control of the morning
In control of the sea

You are creating all the bubbles at night
I'm chasing round and trying to pop them all the time
We don't need to trust a single word they say
You are creating all the bubbles at play

There's a girl, there's a girl, there's a girl, there's a girl
She's down by the river
In her own creepy world there's a girl, there's a girl
She's down by the river
It's time to consider
That baby is a sinner
She'll wash away your sins (Wash away your sins)
She'll wash away your sins (Wash away your sins)
She'll wash away your sins and go home

I only once upset my kin
Accused him of a moral slip
Well he came back and claimed the change
I know his life's the same again
I can't ask him again
I should let it go

You are creating all the bubbles at night
I'm chasing round trying to pop them all the time
We don't need to trust a single word they say
You are creating all the bubbles at play

There's a girl, there's a girl, there's a girl, there's a girl
She's down by the river
In her own creepy world there's a girl, there's a girl
She's down by the river
It's time to consider
That baby is a sinner
There's a girl, there's a girl, there's a girl, there's a girl
(Wash away your sins, wash away your sins)
She's down by the river

Ps Today was a good hair day. Pictures must be taken

Mo money day

I rolled into work (4th day in a row) and was immediately approached by one of the owners. She told me I was fitting in nicely and how refreshing it is to have me here in the store as an employee who seems to know what she is doing.

I usually don't work on Sundays but I did it as a favor for a coworker who desperately needed me to. My Sunday numbers were a hit! They surpassed what we usually do and again, the owner was excited to see me pull that off.

Then at the end of work, my coworker told me I am a good sales woman. At this point I can hear a choir of clapping behind me. I am doing AWESOME! All of my hard work is being recognized. I feel like I am putting 100% of myself into the store when I am there and it definitely feels good to be recognized for that effort.

Amy xoxo

"Welcome Home"

by Radical Face

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun, and the days blur into one
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done

Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline
Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass
Was never much, but we've made the most
Welcome home

Ships are launching from my chest
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost

Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home

All my nightmares escape my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams
And I don't know if I can

Here, beneath my lungs
I feel your thumbs
Press into my skin again

Heart home

I worked today and in to the night but was off in record time! I met Lauren at my house and I made her a pita pizza. It's a personal pizza on pita bread and it is delish! We chatted at my house and out lives, catching each other up on things that had fallen through the cracks. Then we were off to see the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn Part 1. I have this theory and it's proven to be true for me so far. If I read a book and then watch the movie, I am left disappointed. If I watch the movie and then read the book, I am pleasantly surprised! Maybe it's because I am so detail-oriented that when the movie leaves those pieces out, I am destroyed. YES DESTROYED. lol Every girl in our group that had read Breaking Dawn was disappointed with the movie but me, I was happy!

After the movie, Lauren and I made a stop. That stop before we went home made a huge difference in my life. I don't really feel like it's something I should just blurt out on a online blog, but it created a path for me which I didn't really see as one. Timing is everything. Lauren and I stayed up until 3 am talking about it. She has the best questions and the best insight- I know I have said that before about her. She is a gem! This weekend will be great, I just know it!

Amy xoxo

"If I Ever Feel Better"
by Phoenix

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Two cookie queen

Since I broke the washer at my apartment complex last week, my laundry has been piling up! I had 6 loads to do so I woke up early this morning to go to the laundromat. I lugged all 6 loads inside and started the cleaning process. I encountered a women in her 50s and her mother doing their laundry. Due to my giant, blue IKEA bags I use for my laundry, the woman asked me if there was an IKEA close by. The tipped me off she was not from around here and I asked where she was from and what she was doing here in SL. She said her mother and her were from SoCal and were in town because her sister was in the hospital...

I had been feeling a bit down because the 6 pass along cards Jonathan gave me last week were not used at all on my SF trip (for those of you not familiar with pass along cards, they are cards that invite people to receive more information about the Gospel of Jesus Christ). I felt a little redeemed this morning because I was able to write my name and number on one of these cards and hand it to this woman. She had tears in her eyes as she accepted it and told me I was a blessing. What a way to start off my morning!

Later I went with Bob to design week here in SL. We visited various studios and chatted with the staff. There is a cool organization called Spy Hop here in downtown that interested me extremely. I have been thinking about my career in terms of Art Teacher in the public school system, but I never thought of an organization such as this! Exciting!

http://www.spyhop.org/

After the studio crawl, we walked around a new development around the 300 S and 300 W block where 2 of Adam's coworkers bought a 500 sq./ft loft. It's 2 stories and it's tiny but it's perfect for an artist!! It was nice to hear so much about the development from Bob since he knows all about architecture and the designer.

After that, Bob took me back to his house where he had been slow roasting pork for the dinner he created for me. No, he is not gay. Maybe he likes cooking? Maybe he wanted to impress me with those skills? Maybe he is an amazing anomaly of a guy? CHECK YES to every one of those- except being gay.

After dinner I showed Bob 4 books I brought over. One was a book I made where I marbled the paper on the outside. Another book was called Alyce that my sister bought for me- right Liis? Another book was a new purchase called "100 Butterflies" which I got at the SFMOMA. It's exquisite and makes me happy and want to cry at the same time-I am silly I know.

I love reading with Bob.

My heart arches for what was and what could be and those two things are the things I fight hard against every day, the past and the future. I try to live in the now first and then hope for better things and then I try to make them a reality if they really and truly will enrich my life.

Amy xoxo

"Candy"
by Paolo Nutini

I was perched outside in the pouring rain
Trying to make myself a sail
Then I'll float to you my darlin'
With the evening on my tail
Although not the most honest means of travel
It gets me there nonetheless
I'm a heartless man at worst, babe
And a helpless one at best

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy, before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh I'm often false explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although I'm left defeated
It get's held against my name
I know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I've taken quite enough
Well I'm some stain there on your bed sheet
You're my diamond in the rough

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

I know that there?re writings on the wall
But Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh I'll be there waiting for you [repeat]

Deeper

Long ago, a woman I knew asked me the question,"Do you want this? Because once you choose this path you can never go back." I looked into the heart of fear in that moment and chose to jump. My life has been full of jumps. Some necessary for my positive progression and others have been reckless. There are many times I have been reckless with my heart but I don't feel like today was one of those days. I jumped, not very far, but I jumped. I feel like I keep trying to force something which isn't there. I whisper to myself of things which I do and do not want but like Susan and Mike tell me- The heart wants what the heart wants. My heart aches.

Do I step deeper? Will I sink? I am thinking too much.

So I jump.

And I realize that I know how to fly.

I have wings.

Amy xoxo

"It Goes On And On"

by The Avett Brothers

I lost my fear in your arms
I lost my tears in your car
I lost my will in your candle lit eyes
And all my love in your yard
Baby would you leave me if you knew that I was making it up?
And underneath the love you got to wonder am I giving you up?
No way am I, it goes on.
Violent is the motion in my heart and in my body and mind.
And silent is the feeling that I lost but I'm determined to find.
And love is but an ocean, unrealistic notion, but I cling to her devotion, and I let it pull me down to the floor.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
I found my will in your car
I caught my tears in your arms
I found myself on that poor county drive
And found my love in your guard
Oh, Baby would you leave me if you knew that I was making it up?
And underneath the love you got to wonder am I giving you up?
No way am I, it goes on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.

Star-crossed lovers

I haven't started reading my new book until... TODAY! I made it to page 74! My sister and I are into Ally Condie's books from the Matched series. Crossed is book 2. So far it is my favorite of the 2. I think it's because this book deals so much with loss. I love the search.

Some of my favorite lines from Crossed so far:

"I've written so many beginnings over these months out here and yet the middle and the end of our kind of love are things I haven't seen yet for myself."

"In that moment I know that I won't tell the others. I'll do what I always do when someone trusts me with dangerous words: I'll destroy."

"There it is. The real question. The one we all ask ourselves all the time. Am I going to run? I've thought about it every day, every hour."

‎"Because in the end you can't always choose what to keep. You can only choose how you left it go."

I choose to stay this time. No running. No hiding. Confronting myself. Because that is the only person I can control. But even she is unruly sometimes.

Amy xoxo

"I And Love And You"

by The Avett Brothers

Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but it's just a waste of time
Yeah it's such a waste of time

That woman she's got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the traveler's stage
All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you

SF DAY 2, 3 & 4!

DAY 2

- Biked from downtown near Fisherman's Wharf to the Golden Gate Bridge, over it and then down into Sausalito (so tired after biking over 6 miles but it was a beautiful sunny day and nothing was going to stop us from enjoying it. Not even me biking in suede boots)

- Took the ferry from Sausalito back to SF

- Ate at The Stinking Rose (a garlic restaurant and the pork chop and lamb was excellent! I even got a Shirley Temple and it was the best one both Miguel and I have ever had before)

DAY 3

- Walked to the SFMOMA

- Cirque du Soleil's Totem

- Bourbon Steak (yes, the bill was a lot)

- Walked 2 miles in to Ghirardelli Square. Had the most amazing ice cream sundae and then walked the 2 miles back (2+2=4 miles total)

DAY 4 (today)

- Breakfast at Toast (walked 3 miles until we were fed because we went to a restaurant that claimed on its website that it was open on Mondays, but sadly it was not. Toast received all of our $)

- Walked to City Hall downtown and then to Alamo Park to see the Painted Ladies- the 7 houses from Full House.

- Alcatraz! (Listening to the 45 minute audio tour gave me chills)

- Flight home ;(I hate goodbyes)

I wish I had something profound to say about SF.

I am just glad to be back home.

Amy xoxo

"Toxic"

by Britney Spears

Baby, can’t you see
I’m calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It’s dangerous
I’m fallin’

There’s no escape
I can’t wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You’re dangerous
I’m lovin’ it

Too high
Can’t come down
Losing my head
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

It’s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly
It’s taking over me

Too high
Can’t come down
It’s in the air
And it’s all around
Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

[x2]
With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now

SF DAY 1!

I told you I would have more to post! DAY 1 IS ON!

I landed in Las Vegas for a quick layover to pick up my high school friend, Miguel. I found it fitting that while I had time, I would write a letter to my Mother. I haven't spoken to her in a while. There is no good explanation for that. I've tried to write out many but as you can see, I have deleted them all.

I wrote from my heart and it poured out onto my iphone "paper" with ease.

Hi Mom!

This morning I flew out of SL at 630am. Over and just beyond the Wasatch Mountains I was able to be a witness to the sun rising. My life has been busy lately but as I was able to experience that moment of peace which I feel frequents me more often lately I was able to think about you and Dad. How are you two doing? I miss you guys a lot and I wish I could come home. I feel a tweak of guilt in knowing I am on my way to SF and I could have used that money towards PHX instead. I enjoy seeing new places and experiencing all that that have to offer but home is really where my heart is- where the two people who created me are. I think that is something special- to have a 26 year relationship with the 3 people who matter most to me in this life (Liisa is in there too). I am so glad, honored and proud to call you my family. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for trusting my decisions and respecting them even when you haven't agreed with them. You were right- it's much better to keep a relationship with someone you love than to let their behavior you don't agree with get in the way of that. I am honored to call you my Mother and friend. I love you Mom. I would go back and proof read this email but I think I'll just start crying. Probably wouldn't be the weirdest sight in Las Vegas. I am waiting for Miguel's flight to pick me up and then we head to San Francisco! Woo hoo! We already have tickets to Alcatraz on Monday. But that is really one of the only solid things we have planned (that and I really want to see the SF Museum of Modern Art). We want to experience these next four days with a sense of adventure and openness. Thank you for being a part of my life. And remember- it's not always easy but it is always worth it!

Love Amy xoxo

Sent from my iPhone

Because sometimes, most times, always- I feel it's important to tell the people that I love that I love them. Tomorrow may never come for me or for you and what if I pass an opportunity to tell you how I feel about you? Shame on me.

After that, Miguel's plane arrived to pick me up we were off to SAN FRANCISCO! Seeing Miguel always awakens a sense of adventure inside of me. We have some great adventures together and I am glad we could take this one on together.

Here are a few things we did DAY 1:

- Lunch @ Jasper's on Taylor Street (best blue cheese burger I have tasted)

- Shopped at Urban Outfitters and Forever 21 (50% off and b1g1 free?! YES PLEASE)

- de Young Museum in the rain (opera is not for me but coloring is)

- Chinatown for dinner (not the whole community, just one place ;)

My favorite part of today was taking in the city as a whole. I got flustered at the BART ticket machine @ the SF airport and forgot my pin for my debit card... So far this city reminds me of a mini NYC.

I share my experiences with you. Why? Some are surface activities and some are intimate moments which reveal deeper. things. Inside each of us is hope. I hope to awaken that inside those who I touch. Creation first starts with hope and turns into a deeper desire. I hope...

Amy xoxo

"A Brook In The City"

by Robert Frost

The farmhouse lingers, though averse to square
With the new city street it has to wear
A number in. But what about the brook
That held the house as in an elbow-crook?
I ask as one who knew the brook, its strength
And impulse, having dipped a finger length
And made it leap my knuckle, having tossed
A flower to try its currents where they crossed.
The meadow grass could be cemented down
From growing under pavements of a town;
The apple trees be sent to hearth-stone flame.
Is water wood to serve a brook the same?
How else dispose of an immortal force
No longer needed? Staunch it at its source
With cinder loads dumped down? The brook was thrown
Deep in a sewer dungeon under stone
In fetid darkness still to live and run --
And all for nothing it had ever done
Except forget to go in fear perhaps.
No one would know except for ancient maps
That such a brook ran water. But I wonder
If from its being kept forever under,
The thoughts may not have risen that so keep
This new-built city from both work and sleep.

Committed?

Work has been great. Everything is new and fresh and wonderful. Every new job starts out that way for me... can't wait to see how I feel about this place in a few months. But for now, I am enjoying these feelings!

After work I went home to pack and do laundry. I got my one essential load completed- whites- when the washer decided to eat my money and break. So much for the four loads I thought I was going to tackle. Defeated, I gave into the tempting request of Lance to see his new place in the southeast SLC area, but only with the promise of dinner in exchange for my time since I was starving. Lance and Dagen- Dagen being one of my old friends from college and the study abroad tour I experienced- recently moved in together with their friend Nate into this sick house. I WANT TO LIVE THERE! I really should post pictures or something. But I had a great night catching up with Dagen and spending time talking to him and Lance. Dagen is wiser, more sensitive, and a pleasure to be around. Not that he was seriously lacking as a person before, but let's just say he is a little more refined :) I am glad I went. I am glad I have these friends who I can talk openly with. It's refreshing.

Can't wait to get on a plane in 5 1/2 hours :)

Now to pack...

Amy xoxo

"Back In Your Head"

by Tegan and Sara

Build a wall of books
Between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words
That I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was
So strange and likeable
I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
When I jerk away from
Holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt
Important parts of you
Remember when I was
Sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person,
Unlovable
I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
Run, run, run Run Run, run, run
Run I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray

The emotional bowl

Ah, Wednesday! Thank you for cradling me in your soft arms dear hump day. You are in the middle of the week regularly but this time you are at the end of my long and fun weekend come Friday! I can't wait to see you San Fran!

I went to our usual bowling Wednesday but right from the get-go, I had a sour taste in my mouth. I mean, is it really that hard to hold a door open for me? It slammed in my face unnoticed. Nice.

I bowled a 160 the first game. Second game I got 3 strikes in a row which completed my turkey win with a 175 score. I was happy about that.

On our car ride home, I told Jack that I didn't want to have a DTR (define the relationship) but I felt like we needed to have one.

"Are you getting what you want out of this relationship?"

"I was but I haven't been so much lately," he said.

"Why?"

"We haven't been hanging out as much I guess," he responded with.

"Well Jack, we just expected each other's company before- we never communicated about when we would hang out with each other. And now that has changed."

Now what has changed?...

I need someone more assertive. I feel like I am worth the fight and that's what hurts my feelings the most. Who will fight for me?

Jack's room mate, Andy has been acting childish towards me. He called me a flirt and fake. Hello?! Yes, everyone knows I am a flirt. Get over the fact that I didn't want to date you Andy. You tell me you are acting like a jerk towards me-grow up- you want to pollute your life with negative feelings. Sorry I wasn't into you. I am moving on.

I had a great talk with a lot of important people from my life. Bob. Kyle. Adam.

Their assertiveness surprises me. Not because of them but because of how easy it is when TWO people are both acting assertively- you get a lot more accomplished in the realm of intimate conversations.

I really feel like the group Bon Iver gets me lately. Ever feel that way about a certain band or a certain song at particular points in your life? This band gets me NOW.

Sorry for all of the fragmented bits. I just needed to get it out and write it down.

Amy xoxo

"Blindsided"

by Bon Iver

Back down, down to the downtown
Down to the lockdown...
Boards, nails lie around

I crouch like a crow
Contrast in the snow
For the agony I'd rather know

'Cause BLINDED
I am blindsided

Peek in
Into the peer in
I'm not really like this
I'm probably plightless

I come through the window
I'm crippled and slow
For the agony I'd rather know

'Cause BLINDED
I am blindsided

Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out
For me now?

Ooh, for me now
Ooh, for me now
Ooh, for me now

Taut line
Down to the shoreline
The end of a blood line
The moon is a cold light

There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony I'd rather know

'Cause blindsided
I was blindsided
Blinded
I was blindsided
Blinded
I was blindsided

The guilt complex

Very interesting that my coworker Rachel and I would talk about guilt yesterday and here I am faced with it head on last night and today. Why do we suffer from feeling guilty? I made a decision in my life to do things deliberately. I made a decision to not feel guilty. Not like a psychopath or anything. But what I mean to say is that I have made the decision to feel bad for what wrongs I have committed and then to move on from those mistakes. Repentance is a daily, key principle to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Yes repentance is about confessing and forsaking but it is also coupled with forgiveness. And I mean granting ourselves with the permission to forgive ourselves.

"The Lord has said, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them” (D&C 58:43).

We must maintain an unyielding, permanent resolve that we will never repeat the transgression. When we keep this commitment, we will never experience the pain of that sin again. We must flee immediately from any compromising situation. If a certain situation causes us to sin or may cause us to sin, we must leave. We cannot linger in temptation and expect to overcome sin.

Restitution. We must restore as far as possible all that has been damaged by our actions, whether that is someone's property or someone's good reputation. Willing restitution shows the Lord that we will do all we can to repent.

Righteous Living. It is not enough to simply try to resist evil or empty our lives of sin. We must fill our lives with righteousness and engage in activities that bring spiritual power. We must immerse ourselves in the scriptures and pray daily for the Lord to give us strength beyond our own. At times, we should fast for special blessings.

Full obedience brings the complete power of the gospel into our lives, including increased strength to overcome our weaknesses. This obedience includes actions we might not initially consider part of repentance, such as attending meetings, paying tithing, giving service, and forgiving others."

http://lds.org/study/topics/repentance?lang=eng

If we truly forgive ourselves then we will be able to move on from those sins that we like to hold onto. We all like sin. There are certain ones which we know are harder for us than others. But true growth is measured by our strength to move past ourselves and reach to a higher standard. We cannot be afraid to become something great. We are capable of more than we think we are. So why? Why don't we do? Why are we afraid to become? What is holding us back? It's certainly not impossible, just unlikely that we will all reach our full potential in this life. But I can tell you what, I want someone who tries to reach for the impossible. I need that passionate man who isn't afraid to face himself and say, "I know I can do better. I love myself and my life now and of course my hot wife Amy, but I can resolve to reach higher." Because guess what? That is the kind of girl I am. I am not afraid anymore.

And it feels good to know that assertiveness is being recognized by someone other than myself. I live with myself every day so sometimes it's hard to see the progress I've been making. But tonight it was brought to my attention that this is a great time in my life because I am so strong. Yes, there has been a lot of loss in my life, but all of it has been for a purpose and I recognize those times of necessary instructions. I am a happy girl. I am living in the now. I can't think of a better way to live. With direction, purpose, clarity and resolve.

Amy xoxo

"Half Mast"

by Empire of the Sun

Come on now can we talk about it like we used to talk about
Hotel in the hills with a carousel
Farmhouse in the front a tractor in the lounge

Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know

Listen now can we talk in love and walk the town
Be easy now, go hiking through the hills in a summer gown
Raise the kids, peace within and make our sound

Hear me now, I'm down on knees and praying
though my faith is weak
without you so please baby please give us a chance
make amends and I will stand until the end
a million times a trillion more

Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know

Smile baby don't cry
I will only fly with you by my side
Baby I'm cornered now
Baby don't push me out
Lately I walk in doubt
Maybe it's crashing down
Baby can you save it now

Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know
Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know

Baby I'm cornered now
Baby don't push me out
Lately I walk in doubt
Maybe it's crashing down

Baby I'm cornered now
Baby don't push me out
Lately I walk in doubt
Maybe it's crashing down

Park house and undercover genius

Ugh! I woke up at 6:30 am to an annoying nightmare. I woke up crying. In my dream I was homeless and screaming. One of my girlfriends threw a penny at me and said, "You are dead to me!" I believe the reason I have these nightmares and dreams is to work through my conflicts. They aren't very pleasant at times, but most of the worthwhile pursuits in my life are difficult. Why is that? Why are the most satisfying and happy things in my life so hard to obtain? This is why I am such a grateful person. I appreciate what I have. Not all of the time, but my eyes are open. My eyes are open to a lot of things now.

A few weeks ago I awoke to a different dream. A dream of a pleasant nature greeted me this particular morning. There was light- a lot of light breaking through the trees around the perimeter of this open park. On the edge of the park was a gated mansion. The black rot iron gates were containing but permitting. Many people came and went, but they had to know the code. It was almost like a museum with the amount of people entering and exiting. How could this many people live in this one house? It was like a compound. It felt safe. And when I imagined living there due to the "For Rent" sign in the front, I imagined me, Lauren and her son Carter living there and we were happy... fast forward to November 7th, 2011, because 7 is my lucky number.

After a great day at work, I headed over to Bob's house for our second date. His assignment was mashed potatoes and vegetables and mine was chicken and dessert. I went to the grocery store after work and wouldn't you know it- they sold out of the whole chickens an hour earlier! I was at a loss for a split second and asked the meat guy, what am I supposed to do? Not like I was helpless or anything because I am smart enough to feed myself plus one other, but really?! You sold out of chickens on a Monday night? So I decided on the pieces of chicken they sell behind the murky glass cases- the kind of chicken that no one wants to eat. Ever. So I cave and decide that if I am going down, I am taking Bob with me. On my way to the ice cream section I spied some pre-cut fruit and if you know anything about me, you know I would eat fresh fruit with every meal. (Take notes, the way to my heart is through food first with boots following in at a close second). So I grabbed a medley of strawberries and blueberries. I love the word medley. Then in the ice cream section I decided to go the healthy way and I picked up Island Mango Sorbetto, whatever that is. Fancy sorbet it looks like.

As Bob gave me directions to his house I headed up a street I have never been to the top of. I slowly climbed the hill of our small community in my car and marveled in the awesomeness of never traveling this road before. Before I was within shouting distance of the gates I realized where I was. The park house. In my dream. Everything from the streets to the compound of houses were familiar to me. I dreamt about you! Even when I walked into the house- it emulated a museum like quality which was present in my dream. It does not matter why at the moment. All that needed to be revealed to me was the feeling of safety. I am ok with living in this moment and nothing else. I think that feeling of being safe comes with the space and also with the company. My date was surprisingly different from anything I have ever experienced before. There are many reasons and some of them I want to keep secure and secret for now. But I will share with you one...

A few days ago Adam told me maybe there is someone out there for me who can touch me in a way he cannot at this moment- someone who understands the art world which I belong to. It was quite suddenly after that conversation with Adam that Bob came into my life. Now I am not reading into this dream and this experience as some magical miracle. But I guess I should ask, why not dare to dream of something different? I could not have dreamt of this life for myself because I did not know it existed. Sometimes we dream because we cannot imagine what we are seeing in our heads at night in the daylight when we think our eyes are wide open. So which is it? Is reality the perceptions we conjure in the daylight when we think we are sponges to our every day surroundings or is our reality based a little in the dreams which are conjured in our sleeping minds- a little dark and mysterious and somewhat hopefully probing into our subconscious? Or course it can be a little of both because I don't necessarily like the one absolute over the other. Just something to think about. Or dream about. Or both.

Amy xoxo

"Call It What You Want"

by Foster the People

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

Yeah we're locked up in ideas
We like to label everything
Well I'm just gonna do here what I gotta do here
'Cause I gotta keep myself free
You're ducking and moving just to hide your bruises from all your enemies
And I'm in the crossfire dodging bullets from your expectancies

We've got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
Yeah you've crossed the line
I've got a knife behind my back (just sayin')
We've got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I've got can't be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

You've taken your words and you take your judgments
And stick them onto everything
If it don't conform to what you were born into,
Then you run the other way
You say, "now what's your style and who do you listen to?" who cares?
Well that rat race ladder-climbing fake-face smile's got nothing on me

We've got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
Yeah you've crossed the line
I've got a knife behind my back (just sayin')
We've got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I've got can't be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

Beautiful fire

Spent the day with my family and loved all of it. I was able to speak with each person separately- Mike, Susan and Serra. I love my time learning from them. I listen to their struggles, their hopes, their dreams and their desires. I listen to them hurting and I feel their pain. I feel their love for me and there is nothing greater in this world than feeling love. Maybe I am selfish in that way because I run to the people I know who love me- and they are never short of their praise and love for me. They challenge me to do what I know to be true and to become something greater beyond what I am currently.

Sometimes I wish I could make professional shopping a real job because I am dang good at it. I mean, I make thrift store finds look classy and I realize that is a gift. You mean I get to help someone and go shopping? Ok, I can die now, my life is complete :)

Amy xoxo

"Do You Realize?"

by The Flaming Lips

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

Like water trapped in ice

I believe one of the most beautiful things we have the power to create are conversations with each other. There is a powerful connection made through the intimate form of verbal language. That's something beautiful I experienced tonight. I think it's ok to have awkward first dates or ones where you don't know what to expect or even ones that push you a bit to step outside of your comfort zone. I was pushed outside of my comfort zone into a place I didn't know existed. The exact thing I have been hoping for for so long was finally granted to me tonight in the form of someone new, someone extremely different and someone who gives me hope. In the form of many first dates, I feel like I am free. I am free to experience this life with those who make me happy.

Amy xoxo

"The Moon And The Sky"
by Sade

I was the one
I who could
Pull in all the stars above
Lay them on your feet
And I gave you my love
You are the one that got me started
You could have let me
Love anyone but I only wanted you
So why did you make me cry
Why didn't you come get me one last time
You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Ain't gonna let you go
You lay me down and left me for the lions
A long, long time ago
You left me there dying
But you'll never let me go
You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Ain't gonna let you go
You'll always know the reason why
The song you heard
Will stay on your mind
It ain't gonna let you go, no
'cos you were the moon
And I the endless sky
You'll alway know the reason why
Reason whay this love
Ain't gonna let you go
Ain't gonna let you go
You had the keys to the car
You had every star
Every one of them twinkling
Baby what were you twinkling
Baby what were you thinking
We had the moon and the sky above
And I gave you my love

The red ones

I had a busy day of running errands. I had a few favorite encounters throughout my day. One was stopping by this pharmacy in Sandy and seeing their boutique items they had in their store. They carry this line called "Love and Toast" which are beauty products such as lip balm, lotions and perfumes. I told my boss about it when I went into the store for an hour tonight and she was pissed! She said that pharmacy always tries to copy her store and bring in what lines she carries. Interesting.

I also got to spend the day visiting Susan at her office. I always love seeing her in her work environment because she is Queen! She is the glue of her office and she wears that crown well. Susan brought me cheese broccoli soup and allowed me to eat all of their office candy from their Halloween party on Friday. It cracked me up to see all of the red Gobstoppers pooled on her desk... she hates the red ones so she would just leave that color behind! It was good to catch up with Susan about her life and fill her in about mine.

At the end of the day, I got to turn in my substitute teaching application. There were about 10 components to the application and it felt good to get one step closer to my dream of teaching after all of that hard work. So I guess now I wait...

Until tomorrow when I work all day!

Amy xoxo

"Your Bruise"

by Death Cab for Cutie

It's a backwards attraction to your forward eyes
But you're so far-sighted that you can't place trust
In what or who you recognize
We sped the plymouth cross the banks of the mississippi river
Mary timony was smaller then a super ball...
Chitter-chatter all these secrets started giving me the shivers
Plain and simply broken down near olympia
I think your bruise was understanded,
'cause you can't feel this anymore
It's getting bluer and you can't keep faking
That you can't feel this anymore

Your hand in mine

I really was a hardcore bum today. This whole not working every day thing is not cool. You would think it's a treat, but it's a pain. The older I get, the more I realize that I function with a structured schedule with a bit of flexibility rather than working whenever between 10-7. I say flexibility because if I need to go to the post office, I want to be able to leave for 5 minutes and not have to clock out.

Sorry this post is kinda dumb (like most of them) but it's a simple update about me! I guess that's kinda why you came here right?

Something interesting about my day? I have been craving applesauce all day. I have strawberry flavored applesauce in my fridge right now...

Ah, it's so great! This coupled with some cold, filtered water is the best! I have been trying to drink more water lately and I think I am doing a pretty good job. I have a headache pretty much every day now and I think out of the many reasons of things to choose from that it has a lot to do with my water intake.

I had a really good night though. I got to hear Ally Condie of the Matched series speak about her second book, I ate dinner with Adam who said he invited himself along but we all know Adam's company is as good as or maybe even better than most people's. We understand each other on a level most people don't and I think that creates a gap in a feeling such as loneliness... even though Adam won't admit that. He doesn't have to. I guess that is the beauty of a relationship which doesn't always have to communicate in words. No matter how messed up it is.

I admit, it's going to be hard for another guy to surpass what Adam had to offer me. I admit that there is this imaginary bar and most guys don't come close to that and this is why I have trouble imagining something greater than what I feel is a very high standard. I don't believe in absolutes though. I believe in working hard and being patient. I think those two things have great outcomes with my name written all over them.

This song is kind of annoying but I think that is what is so appealing about it tonight.

I also like "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky but there are no words...

"Cat Claw"
by The Kills

It's time to stand up our fingers from the bell
Tell me sugar how you felt now
Come on sugar, tell now
Can't stand your face until it took off
I wouldn't give a f* but the love here is such a long walk
If this all goes well you won't have nothing
So tell you dead wrong, dead wrong
And now you're long gone
Hang out for minute and re-think
Question, tell me what she'd done
Just one, cause I can't see nothing

So, one, two and
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

Got my hand caught in a cat claw, scream!
On everyone's that time looks around, they're talking trees, you know
Never know who's coming, might easy be me, you know
Give up for my love, cause that's too much, fuck!

So, one, two and...
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

Oh...

It's time to stand up our fingers from the bell
Tell me sugar how you felt now
Come on sugar, tell now
Can't stand your face until it took off
I wouldn't give a fuck but the love here is such a long walk

So, one, two and...
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!