Save everything

Sometimes you need a time-out! I was in the weirdest mood tonight. I felt like crap. Lots of reasons but mostly because I've been eating like CRAP! eating crap= making me feel like crap! It's a simple equation, barely any math. YAHOO! *I hate math* I was in Sandy visiting Adam at his family's house and I decided to take a time-out. It is my choice whether I am happy or not. So I did two things which make me SUPER happy and I'd like to share them with you:

I bought a dress and a jacket online and when I tried them on tonight once they had been shipped to me, I was less than happy with the fit. I decided to go to the physical store to see if I could exchange them for something better. Instead of one dress and one jacket, I left with eight items including shirts, sweaters, and a dress. I feel really good about my style and how I am enjoying simpler styles and colors and fits which are more flattering on me. I feel like I am finally getting it! I am not buying clothes simply because they are cute or because I want them, I am making smarter decisions. And I am finding this simpler, smarter Amy working her way into my life and I am loving it!

The next thing I did was hitting up the grocery store. I found a veggie platter and bought it. Some of Adam's family had just arrived and if anyone was feeling like me, I knew they needed more veggies and less sugar! I also bought myself a Green Machine Naked Smoothie drink.

And now you know two of my many secrets to being happy. Shopping and thoughtful service to others. What do you like to do to stay happy when you are in a bad mood?

Amy xoxo

"Take Everything"
by Mazzy Star

I can't believe you're thinking
Save everyone, inside you
Take everything
Fake everything
Save everything--about me

All of you, (all right)
Just, just because, I want to know
Do you still (come last night with clear eyes peeled/pale)
You never got there (even though you say you will)
Sorry now that you've fallen from my eyes
That's the truth

Why tell me about (everything)
Why tell me about (anything)
You're just waiting for her to come apart
You're just waiting for her

Take everything
Fake everything
Save everything

Is the circle full of holes?

I have felt the repeat of the circle. It's as Susan says, everything comes full circle. In 2005, I graduated with my Associates degree. I remember driving back to Phoenix with my Mom and all of my stuff. It was an epic trip filled with many memories. You know the best part? I had days to talk with my Mom. I remember her tucking me in every night. every. single. night. She sang to me on all of our family trips. She rocked me when I was a bitty thing. She always fought for me and always had my back in any situation because she knew I would never lie to her. never. She would play with my hair those nights I couldn't sleep and warm milk didn't do the trick. And sometimes I wish I had my Mom here. Just to talk. But I know that's why she isn't here. I am supposed to find comfort in turning to my Heavenly Father because she is just like him- they are always near and they never turn away from me.

Like I was saying, in 2005... I felt like there were only two ways which I could make a significant change in my life- marriage or a mission. Now, six years later- almost to the day- I find myself falling into that same feeling. And this time, I choose to go to on a mission. Heavenly Father knows what is right for me to do. I've made my choice and it's in his hands now.

Amy xoxo

"Left Only With Love"

by Smog

I'm left only with love for you
You did what was right to do
And i hope you find your husband
And a father to your children

'Cause I'm left only with love for you
You did what was right to do
And I hope you find your husband
And a father to you children

When I lost you
I lost my family
You did what was right to do
And I hope you find your husband
And a father to your children

'Cause I'm left only with love for you
You did what was right to do
An I hope you find your husband
And a father to your children

He asks for a little but requires a lot

After work, I needed to eat. I asked Dave if he wanted to have dinner with me to repay him for taking my photos. I love sushi and I love this place down the street which sits in an old church. Every M, T & W they have a half price sushi menu. I go in there about 1-2 times every other week. The hostess knows me by name. I feel like I've told you this on my blog before... sushi rolls make me happy!

I feel like this sushi visit was a revealing one as far as Dave was concerned. I don't think he's necessarily a secretive guy, but I don't think he allows a lot of people to know exactly who he is and to see what has happened to him. But I felt a little sad after. Here is a guy who I want to see happy, and I don't see that. He is happy functioning in anger and sadness. He has built a wall which tells people, "Hey everyone, I care very little about life so hurt me how you will but your bullets bounce right off of me". I am not claiming to know Dave perfectly. This is my perception of him from months of exposure. It is my opinion that you cannot be truly happy living a life as an "I don't care" kind of person.

After dinner, we met up with the rest of our bowling group for our ritualistic Wednesday night. I beat everyone the first game with my 147 score. It was a fun night of talking with Dave and bowling. I am glad we had the opportunity to get together.

Amy xoxo

"Against All Odds"

by The Postal Service

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you (ooh..)
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
But take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've gotta face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

But take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've gotta face

Take a look at me now
I'll just be standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against the odds
And that's a chance I've gotta face

Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
(Take a look at me now)
Take a look at me now
(Take a look at me now)
Take a look at me now
(Take a look at me now) [2x]
Take a look at me now
(Take a look at me now) [2x]
Take a look at me now
(Take a look at me now) [2x]
Take a look at me now
(Take a look at me now)
Take a look at me now

Dreams with Don Knotts

I fell asleep on the couch in the basement. I woke up dozens of times to infomercials but I was too tired to get up and walk up the stairs to my bed. Instead, I barely lifted my hand to reach for the remote and I made it to the Biography channel. My subconscious knows a lot about Don Knotts.

My body has been on a strange clock lately. 830 AM sharp. I decided not to fight it this time and I hopped out of my couch cocoon and got ready for the day. Adam asked me if I wanted breakfast at Ihop with him, Ben and Sean at 1045. A girl can't say no to international pankcakes. My favorite breakfast food on this planet is French Toast.

We did a lot of things today and had some good adventures. But my favorite part- being off of work!

Later tonight, I was relieved of my dog and house duties. Snickers' owners came home to a happy dog.

And I left happy too. Cash in my pocket.

Amy xoxo

"Easy/Lucky/Free"

by Bright Eyes

They got refrigerators full of blood
Another century spent pointing guns
At anything that moves
Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot
My twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
I never really dreamed of heaven much
Until we put him in the ground
But it's all I'm doing now
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea
But once the satellite's deceased
It blows like garbage through the streets
Of the night sky to infinity
But don't you weep (don't you weep for them)
There is nothing as lucky
Don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

Don't be a criminal in this police state
You better shop and eat and procreate
You got vacation days then you might escape
To a condo on the coast
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down 'til the bomb gets dropped
I always figured that there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds
I got some friends I barely see
But we're all planning to meet
We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
All together for eternity
But don't you weep
There is no one as lucky
Honey, don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

I was nice

What did you do for Christmas my lovelies? What did Santa bring you? He was so GOOD to me!

Sadly no ;( but aren't these boots like icing on a cake? I want them. now. NOW. please?

Yes I did get this amazing lip gloss from L&N. The perfect pink pout.

My Mom is one of the most amazing artists I know. She made me a bib necklace. It looks a lot like this except BETTER. It has old fabric and trinkets on it. Special :)

Now we get to talk about my second favorite artist, my sister L. She is gifted in a lot of ways and now you know why I look up to her. I never fully grasped how influenced in my art I am by these two people. Wow. Just wow. She made me a freakin robe! It looks like I stole a Kimono and I love it!

Not to be trumped by technology, but look at this beauty! She can do a lot. I hope to show you just how capable she is in my hands. We will make sweet lovelies together. Thank you Adam. You really surprised me.

More importantly, Christmas reminded me of my relationships- my God, my Savior and my family. I am grateful to live in SLC even if it places me far away from my family. SLC is my home and I wouldn't change a thing about my living situation- EXCEPT I want my family to move to SLC please and thank you.

I have so so much. Thank you for being in my life. I love you deeply.

Amy xoxo

"Dakota"

by Stereophonics

Thinking back, thinking of you
Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Chewing gum having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
When drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Didn't need to go far

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up call, coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about life since then
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now

Wrap master

I was the official present wrapper today at work. It was one of my busiest days at work but it was one of the best! I have discovered not only my love for wrapping but my ability to wrap fast is warp speed (that one was for you Liisa). And I realize, not everything, not everyone has to move fast to be considered successful. I have really been thinking about my expectations lately. I cannot press those on others because I have too much to think about for myself. I am thinking about what I want to accomplish in 2012. I want this year to be about making smart decisions which will move me forward. Where do I want to be? I don't have to be fast, I just have to work smart. I want to have a family soon and I want a husband and I want kids. But what do I need now?

Amy xoxo

"Giving Up The Gun"
by Vampire Weekend

Your swords grown old and rusty
Burnt beneath the rising sun
Its locked up like a trophy
Foretting all the things its done
All though its been a long time
You’re right back where you started from
I see it in your eyes
Now you’re giving up the gun

When I was 17
I had wrists like steel
And I felt complete
And now my body fades
Behind a brass charade
And I’m obsolete
But if the change remains
To see those better days
I’d cut the cannons down
My ears are blown to bits
From all the rifle hits
Still I crave that sound

Your swords grown old and rusty
Burnt beneath the rising sun
Its locked up like a trophy
Foretting all the things its done
And though its been a long time
You’re right back where you started from
I see it in your eyes
Now you’re giving up the gun

I heard you play guitar
Down at a seedy bar
Where skinheads used to fight
Your Tokugawa smile
And your garbage style
Used to save the night
You felt the coming wave
Told me we'd all be brave
You said you wouldn’t flinch
But in the years that passed
Since I saw you last
You haven’t moved an inch

Your swords grown old and rusty
Burnt beneath the rising sun
Its locked up like a trophy
Foretting all the things its done
And though its been a long time
You’re right back where you started from
I see it in your eyes
Now you’re giving up the gun
I see you shining your way
Go on go on go on

Peanut butter and Jelly

I had a bit of a lazy day today. It was my day off. I left the dog Snickers in Draper and headed back up to my SLC home. I needed to grab some different clothes because I have been wearing the same outfits day in and day out. They are starting to smell, smelly cat.

Can I mention one of my favorite interactions with Adam? LUNCH TIME! We usually head out for about an hour and then he gets back to work, but I'll tell you what! I look forward to that interaction above most. But that's not very fair of me to rate our lunches because about 99% of our interactions are positive and wonderful and uplifting. We don't fight. like. ever. I can't say I haven't cried over him or become frustrated at times, but I can genuinely tell you that I am happy and I am happy a lot of the time because he is in my life. Of course I would continue to be happy without him if that had to be the case but I can tell you from two different perspectives that life without Adam is hard and something I don't want to undertake. It's hard for a lot of reasons but mostly because it isn't as sweet. Have you ever tried to eat a PB&J without the Peanut Butter? Gross. No thank you.

You are the Peanut butter to my jelly.

Amy xoxo

"Sleep Alone"

by Bat For Lashes

You know my darling, I can't stand to sleep alone
No sweetheart in the dark to call my own
You're my own, you're my own, I can sing it, I can groan
But the darkness is a stranger and I'm lonely, lonely, lonely, low

Last night's parties and last nights horrorshow
Smiling and whirling and kissing all I know
Give my soul, give my soul, sing it free across the sea
A lonely spell to conjure you, but conjure hell is all I do

Lonely, lonely, lonely, 'cause my mama told me
The dream of love is a two hearted dream
Lonely, lonely, lonely, 'cause my mama told me
The dream of love is a two hearted dream

They say for every high high there must be a low, low, low, low, low
From every sun ascending a lonesome moon will grow, grow, grow, grow
Drive my heart, drive my heart, into the fire of a burning heart's desire
A lonely spell so you be seen, do you hear me coming in my blue dream?

Lonely, lonely, lonely, 'cause my mama told me
The dream of love is a two hearted dream
Lonely, lonely, lonely,
The dream of love is a two hearted dream

It's never too late

I went to work and made my way back to Draper tonight. I thought I would be watching Netflix by myself for the remainder of my night but instead, Lance decided to join me. It's been a while.
We stayed up talking for almost 3 hours. Life. Lance apologized for something that happened to us in the summer. I was grateful for his new perspective but I thought about his timing. He told me he would like to date me again. He apologized and that's what I am moving forward with.

I talked to my Mom on my way home from work before I met up with Lance. I talked to her about something which I let get under my skin a bit. I guess it's my turn to say sorry. Sorry Adam. No, you don't have to tell me everything. Especially things which are so trivial that they make monkies laugh. But I talked to my Mom and asked, can I expect everyone else to treat me with the same level of honesty and openness as I share with them? The answer is no and I am ok with that.
My Mom shared with me a story:
My Mom and Dad went to the post office to mail some packages. My Dad pulled the car into a tight parking spot; he knew this and was trying to be cautious when opening the back passenger door to retreive the packages. He cracked the door and the wind caught the door and it opened more than he would have liked because it lightly tapped the SUV next to them. Someone was inside the SUV. That someone was now mad. That someone was a lady and she got out of her vehicle. She proceeded to yell at my Father. HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS? DID YOU NOT SEE MY SUV? I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT BEFORE OR HAD A SCRATCH ON MY CAR AND NOW YOU'VE DENTED MY SUV. My Dad apologized. My Mom apologized. Some people don't get it. I understand if there had been significant damage done, but there was none. My Mom said you could barely see anything. Lesson from my Mom? Don't let the insignificant, little things become big and blinding things. There are more important things to worry about.

I can only control myself and I choose to not be offended. I don't care if you call me for Christmas, I know that I am loved. I choose to move on and care about more important things. Love is never having to say you're sorry. Or so I've been told.

Amy xoxo

"Dream Variations"
by Langston Hughes

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance
Till the white day is done.
Then rest at cool evening
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
Dark like me--
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance! Whirl! Whirl!
Till the quick day is done.
Rest at pale evening . . .
A tall, slim tree . . .
Night coming tenderly
Black like me.

Morningtown

Day two. Adam and his cousin Sean fixed my headlights. Saved me over $80. I can't say no to money in my pocket.
Tonight we went to dinner. Sean told me, sometimes you don't know if things will work out and that is always a risk. He asked me, is Adam worth the risk?

Who, what, when or where I don't know. All I have are words and memories from the past on which to reflect on in this moment:

June 19th, 2011

"I know my decision to marry again is a tough decision because it means I must open myself 100% again. My heart has been through a lot but I know that through my Savior Jesus Christ, all things are possible. I say bring it!"

I don't know a lot at this point in my life but I know one thing for sure- my testimony is a precious pearl.

December 4, 2011
My Testimony

I had someone tell me last night, you can sin now and repent tomorrow. I was reading in Mosiah 3:12 this morning where it says, "Wo unto him who knoweth that he rebelleth against God! For salvation cometh to none such except it be through repentance and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ."

All of my struggles, set backs and temptations have been setting me up for something great. I can't complain about my life because it is wonderful and beautiful and amazing. I know I am faced with these struggles so I can rely on the Lord more because I cannot maneuver through this life on my own.

I don't understand why some people are passive or mean or judgmental, but I cannot worry about the behavior of others unless it directly cause me harm- I have too much to work on myself.
Heavenly Father is always there for me. He loves me and cares about what happens to me. I need to put my faith in his plan and I cannot be afraid to jump. I cannot be afraid to leave my sins behind to follow the will of the Lord. In Mosiah 3:19 it says, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

In 2009 I decided I had a better plan for myself than the Lord did and I stunted my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior and I stopped living the Gospel. It took me almost a full year to realize my plan sucked. I had a purpose and it was far greater than how I was living. That's when I started my process to become fully converted. I've been a member of this Gospel my whole life but I never developed a testimony for myself- one that was unshakeable. I encourage you to find out now who you are and what you believe. The sooner we confront ourselves honestly about who we are, the sooner we can start to develop who we want to become and more importantly, what the Lord wants us to become.

I hold all of these things close to my heart in a very true, deep and never ending way.
I love the Lord and this Gospel.

I have never claimed perfection. But I know who I am and I know who I am fighting for. Look at what I have done in the last two years of my life. I just need someone to match that same level of passion for progress. I know who I want that person to be. I know he has potential. Last time I married someone for his potential and I cannot do that again. As much as I want to give my heart away I cannot. I am not sure it is worth the risk. But I can tell you I want it to be. I so desperately want it to be.

Amy xoxo

"God Put A Smile Upon Your Face"
by Coldplay

Where do we go nobody knows?
I've gotta say I'm on my way down
God give me style and give me grace
God put a smile upon my face
Where do we go to draw the line?
I've gotta say I wasted all your time, (oh honey honey)
Where do I go to fall from grace?
God put a smile upon your face, yeah

Now, when you work it out I'm worse than you
Yeah, when you work it out I wanted to
Now, when you work out where to draw the line
Your guess is as good as mine

Where do we go nobody knows?
Don't even say you're on your way down, (when)
God gave you style and gave you grace
And put a smile upon your face, ah yeah

Now, when you work it out I'm worse than you
Yeah, when you work it out I wanted to
Now, when you work out where to draw the line
Your guess is as good as mine
Its as good as mine [x7]

Where do we go nobody knows?
Don't even say you're on your way down, (when)
God gave you style and gave you grace
And put a smile upon your face

Paper straws

Day one of two off of work. I am hardly ever at home anymore- I don't know why I pay rent. I'm rarely laying in bed relaxing, reading a good book. I need to change this.
A lot happened this weekend. I worked and played hard. I've been house sitting and dog sitting for one of Susan's co-workers in Draper. It's actually across the way from my Auntie Gina and Uncle Jerry's house. I have fond summer memories of that place.
One thing I realized this past week is that the holidays have been a killer on my figure. I am NOT going to let this eating become a habit. As soon as the holidays are over, I will be working out a couple times a week. Along with working out, I want to start cooking at home more (that means getting over my scary kitchen) and eating better. I love eating healthy, I've just fallen off of the wagon a bit. NOTHING to worry about people.

Amy xoxo

"Everything"
by Sleater-Kinney

If you're tired of lying, there's something you should try
You said hallelujah baby
Hallelujah Child

Who is more deserving than me
Why live with less when i can get all the things that i want to
That i want to

Everything in the world
Everything in the world
Everything in the world (baby)
Everything in the world

If your tired of watching, the good life pass you by
You say you owe it, You slote it, and everybody know is
Now make them pay untill their dry

Who are better suited than we
Dressed for success to get all the things that we want to
at any price, that we want to

Everything in the world
Everything in the world
Everything in the world (baby)
Everything in the world

Deny Me, Defy me , i am so desperate
Reach for it, come to it.
The thrill of ownership

So tierd of the whining, so say a little lullabye
Youve got the the money, the honey, a feeling in you tummy
Why dont u just lay down and die

Who is better suited than me
I feel like a wreck but ive got all the tings that iw ant to
At any price that i want to

Everything in the world
Everything in the world
Everything in the world (baby)
Everything in the world

Katie and the cupcake

When I was about nine years old, I had two best friends- Nicole and Jenna. We would fight a lot, but we also had a lot of fun with each other too. Life was good- Summers spent in Nicole's pool and chilly Fall days riding our bikes through our neighborhood streets. From what I can recall at that age, Jenna's Mom was a Saint. One day we were not allowed to play until we paid a visit to Katie, a girl a little younger than us who broke her leg. We promptly rode our bikes to the outskirts of our neighborhood where her home was located. I think we even took a goodie basket carefully prepared by Jenna's Mom. We knocked and Katie's mom invited us in. There was Katie- sitting on a bed in the living room. She looked like a normal six year old girl- the only difference between her and us was that she was confined to her bed because of her leg. Jenna's mom wanted us to learn something that day and I'm sure it was something different for each of us. That day I learned that service and gratitude go hand in hand. I was grateful for what I had in that moment- my legs- so that I could ride my bike with my friends. I felt the spirit of service seep into my heart that day. Even though Jenna's Mom practically forced us reluctant girls to pay Katie a visit, I was able to gain so much more out of that time than how it would have been spent by playing with Barbies.

Summer of 2008. I was at my Mom and Dad's quiet home. I was alone. I went to the garage and rummaged through the boxes of craft supplies. I took a few inside to the middle of the front room floor. I plopped myself down and got to work. I needed to make something- I didn't know what but it had to be good. I had just destroyed my relationship with my sister. A serious amount of silence between us arose from the ashes of an unruly discussion. This was too much for sisters and best friends to hold between each other like a wall of bricks. I wish I had a sledge hammer but unfortunately only my sister possessed that tool and she wasn't ready to allow open air between us. The wall held. I cried. I hung my white flag but I couldn't build a pole tall enough to hang it. It was useless. I have waited for a lot of things in my life but that topped the list of my experience of waiting in agony. I didn't know if I would ever have the one person in my life who I needed the most. So I got to work. I pulled out accoutrements from my fond childhood- pipe cleaners, buttons, jewels, ribbon, felt, beads, feathers, and lace. These are pieces which define me as an artist today because they have been embedded in my memory and are associated with words such as beautiful, peace and flowing. I started to cut the felt. One piece and then two. The textile started taking shape and suddenly I knew what I must create- what was being presented to me to create. Immediately the cupcake started to take on a personality that was much like my sister. She is comforting, sweet, giving, beautiful and delicate. Sometimes you need to lose something in order to appreciate it more. I can tell you that to this day, I never take my sister for granted. I know she may not be with me one day and I hope that day can be avoided for many years because I have so much more to share with her. I love you Sis. I hope you know how close I hold you to my heart. I'm sorry I've let you down a lot. I'm sorry I allowed our relationship to become tainted. I know that you are the strong one and I am ok with that. I've never needed to be the leader because I had someone much better to follow. I hope you enjoyed the cupcake.

Amy xoxo

"Wonderwall"
by Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Diary of Jane

I am all.DONE.with Christmas.presents. I had the day off but it didn't feel like I was at home very much. I went to Bountiful, Sugar House twice, and ate three full meals today with some of my favorite people. I was able to help a young mother at the post office with her squirming daughter and I could see the relief and appreciation on her face. I did it for two reason: The first being it was the right thing to do and second, I hope when I am in that situation in the future, someone will be nice and help me too. Seeing this precious girl spiraled my thoughts into a deeper spectrum of possibilities for my life. Every day I fight the urge to desire more. I don't necessarily need more in my life; I just need now and no worries. Once I master this phase of my life, I will be ready to move on. I feel that coming soon.

Amy xoxo

"Daniel"
by Bat for Lashes

Daniel, when I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under wild blue skies
Marlboro movie skies
I found a home in your eyes
We'll never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed

And in the golden blue
Car you took me to
The darkest place you knew
And you set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark, Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
I dream of home

But in the goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our mouths the tears crept
Just kids in the eye of the storm

And as my house spun round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame
For home again
For home again

When I run in the dark
Into a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
I dream of home

When I run in the dark
Into a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
I dream of home

Give me a strong reason

Today was my longest work day ever. I don't mean to complain and I am not talking about the amount of hours, what I mean to say is that the day dragged on because of my state of mind. I put my head down and worked away. I didn't feel like talking to anyone except the customers. I usually only take a paid 15 break, but today I clocked out for a full 30 minute break. I went to Barbacoa, a Mexican food place down 9th South and I sat by myself and relaxed by myself. I got to choose what I ate and where I sat and for 30 minutes, all I had to worry about was myself. Sometimes it's nice to have someone else calling the shots and taking care of me, but most of the time I like to be a big girl and do it all by myself!

Amy xoxo

"More Adventurous"
by Rilo Kiley

And it's only doubts that we're counting
On fingers broken long ago
I read with every broken heart we should become
More adventurous
And if you banish me from your profits
And if I get banished from the kingdom up above
I'd sacrifice money and heaven all for love
Let me be loved, let me be loved

And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it
And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved, let me be loved
I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For me to be saved and you to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

I felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east
And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees
And maybe ours is the cause of all mankind
Give love to make more, try to stay alive

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For you to be saved and me to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

I have nothing to prove to you

My mom and my sister are a lot alike (me and my dad are alike). Sometimes they can come across as abrasive with others because they know a lot and they don't shy away from that fact. I feel like because of my own personality, and because of those personalities which I was around, I learned how to be passive aggressive and at times assertive. My parents did their best to raise me to be assertive and to think for myself (same with Cindy and John and Liisa- they all taught me how to be assertive). I feel like because of my toxic marriage I took away some unwanted behaviors. This is one reason I have been reading this book called, The Assertiveness Workbook- to make sure I am who I want to be and not just a product of my past. I cannot blame my behavior now on others- past or present- because only I can control myself. I am actually quite proud of where I am at in my life.
I've been worried about my position at work since I started. I have never gotten along well with girls and that's who I work with- a bunch of females. So far it's been great but a bit of a struggle because let's face the facts- we all have egos.
I think I come across as someone other than who I am. Sometimes I feel like girls don't like me because they feel threatened by who I am perceived as and who I truly am. No matter why, they feel this way. I asked my gf Melissa about this today. She told me she has no idea why girls work against each other. NO IDEA. But it's true to some extent. But why?
There is this example I often think about. When Adam and I were dating, he had to explain to his family that I really am a genuine person... maybe I come across to some as a butt-kisser, a know-it-all, a bitch, or whatever... but I can assure you that I am a genuine person. If I give you a compliment, I mean it and I am not saying it to get any gain for myself. It's doesn't affect me any if your jeans look really good on you- I am happy for you though that your jeans make you look good! I never intend to hurt others but I can admit, I make mistakes and sometimes what I say comes across as skewed and all wrong- it's because I AM AWKWARD sometimes! And I am definitely not perfect and that is something I can admit freely. I admit that I am sensitive at times so I can understand that others may be sensitive to the comments I make.
I guess what I have to ask is, if I really make you that upset, upset enough to tell someone else about it or upset enough to make it fester inside of you- STOP... please come to me in a loving way and EXPLAIN to me about what I did or said that made you feel awful. Don't go around my back, tell others and have them come to me... that doesn't help either one of us. Either tell me or get over it... Deal? Maybe that's what separates my mediocre relationships from my greatest ones- we both know how to communicate with each other and we respect this process. If you really love me, if you care about me, you will do this for both of us. If not, don't get in my way from having a totally awesome life without you.

Amy xoxo

"Safe Without"
by Interpol

I'm not the hero out the gate
So much to feel, so much to gain
My higher reason will take pain
I'll be okay, I've got my shapes
We are not alone, we share our stake
And I think the winds all will be wonderful

I am safe without it
I am safe without it
I am safe without

Go alone, we'll spread the chase
To all the roller copter way
There's no allegiance left to take
These great big sheets disintegrate
You know water, you know water

I am safe without it
I am safe without it
I am safe without

I am safe without it
I am safe without it
I am safe without
I am safe without it
I am safe without it

But I feel all this way
Leaning on this way
As heel I heal
I'll do it again
Over and over and over and over

Tiger, arrrrr, Tiger

On Saturday, Dave and his room mate Hernan took some photos of me. I want to show you more and explain more, but I cannot! I will later, I promise promise. Here is a glimpse of one. I thought it was funny when Adam made a comment to me on Saturday, "It would be funny if you had done a tiger-like pose..." and little did he know that I DID! Loves it.

Today I made the realization that I love the show, "How I Met Your Mother". I am a little bit like the character Lily. Have you ever seen the show? It's streaming on Netflix now so if you haven't seen it and you have Netflix, check it out! The episode I am particularly speaking of is towards the end of season 3 when Lily needs to sell her paintings in order to make money... watch it now. It will make you happy.

Amy xoxo

"To Be Of Use"

by Smog

Making someone else come
Most of my fantasies are of
To be of use
To be of some hard
Simple
Undeniable use

Like a spindle
Like a candle
Like a horseshow
Like a corkscrew

To be of use
To be of use

Most of my fantasies are of
Making someone else come
On a horse
Over palms laid
On the threshold
On the coming day

Coming day
Coming day come

The Swan

It's weird to think that I have been divorced for 2 years today. It's also weird to think that I would have been packing for Florida today... for my honeymoon... with Adam. We were planning on going to Disney World this weekend for a week. We had this amazing room booked on site for $89 a night! But guess what? Plans change and that's not to say that haven't changed to something better! I cannot look back, I can only move beyond myself and my negative circumstances and become something greater than what I thought possible. With pain comes pleasure. We have to know the bitter to know the sweet. I know the bitter, but I choose to see the sweet.

Amy xoxo

"The Sweetest Thing"

by Camera Obscura

I'm going on a date tonight
To try to fall out of love with you
I know, I know this is a crime
But I don't know what else to do

My love you're in a magazine
My love you're doing fine you're on tv
You wore my heart out then you ran away
From Chicago to Cleveland you made me pay
you made me pay

When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
I would trade my mother to hear you sing
When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
I would trade my mother

On the bus radio
50 ways to leave your lover oh no
I laughed at the irony
but like the stupid the irony got lost on me
Got lost on me

When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
I would trade my mother to hear you sing
When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
I would trade my mother

You challenged me to write a love song
Here it is I think I got it wrong
I focused on the negative
The pain was too much of an incentive
Always my incentive

When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
I would trade my mother to hear you sing
When you're lucid you're the sweetest thing
I would trade my mother (x2)

Oh but she don't know just how far I'd go
Would I walk for a hundred miles
For a glimpse of your northern smile?

For Katherine

After work, we had our company party for H&H. It was nothing short of expectations from the other girls who had been before. After going around the circle and telling each other one interesting fact about ourselves (my fact was I have been divorced for 2 years and I joined roller derby to combat my aggression from the trauma) we then had a delicious dinner! Everything we ate was perfect. I could describe everything we ate but that's wouldn't be fair to you :) After dinner we played Bingo- but it wasn't a game for friends. People stole gifts and crushed dreams. I actually went home with 2 gifts and some girls took home NADA. I got 2 sparkly nail polishes (which is awesome because I LOVE painting my nails) and then I got a $25 gift card to iTunes. Why did no one steal from me? Because I was quiet. I've been learning how to keep my head down and do my work with relatively no fuss. That's how I will get ahead in this job. Adam taught me that. Be myself, but don't create more work for others- learn to be of help. So in the spirit of that work attitude, I was quiet at this party and it paid off in the form of 2 gifts. But that is only my opinion. Once the party was wrapping up, Kylie, a girl who works in the Bountiful store told me she really wanted my iTunes gift card. She had a mascara eye set from Lancome and asked me if I would consider trading. It wouldn't have crossed my mind before but the trade would make Kylie happy and I was happy just to receive new nail polish... so we traded. I went home happy and so did Kylie. Like I said, I am learning how to help people. We can all be happy together.

Amy xoxo

"Gimme Sympathy"

by Metric

Get Hot
Get too close to the flame
Wild open space
Talk like an open book
Sign me up

Got no time to take a picture
I'll remember someday
All the chances we took
We're so close to something
Better left unknown
I can feel it in my bones

Gimme Sympathy
After all of this is gone
Who would you rather be
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones
Seriously, you're gonna make mistakes,
You're young
Come on baby play me something like
Here comes the sun

Don't go
Stay with the all unknown
Stay away from the hooks
All the chances we took
We're so close to something
Better left unknown
I can feel it in my bones

Gimme Sympathy

She is mine

I plan a lot on days like this. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer all when in reality, sadly, I cannot. But today, I DID.

I went to work and left asap, about an hour after we closed which is not bad. After, I snuck into dc, Diner's Club, which is a group of friends who get together for dinner once a week at a restaurant. I met them through Adam last January and he's my link into this spectrum of friends. We went to Nacho's Libre. Their chips are my favorite! I usually get the quesadilla when I go to a Mexican food restaurant. Am I loco? Possibly.

After dinner, I had to ditch dessert for the bowling alley. All of my favorite people were there- Jon Bon with his gf, Kristen, Dave, Bob and my new friend Alex. Each game gave me a score around 100- not super bad but certainly not great. I had a great time though! I usually like getting together with my friends and bowling is always an added bonus.

Amy xoxo

"Gulag Orkestar"

by Beirut

They call it night,
they call it night
and I call it mine.

Calm before

I had the day off of my H&H boutique job- insert my 2 other jobs here. Michelle cancelled her doctor's appointment for today so I didn't have to drive her- 1 job down. I went to Wal-Mart today. You wouldn't expect 1pm on a Tuesday at Wal-Mart to be crowded, but it was. Welcome Holidays. Luckily I was able to get in and out with relatively low anxiety. I did have to go home and wash my hands thoroughly though. But I was able to get some SWEET gifts there and I am glad I can cross them off of my list. Lesson learned today, no Wal-Mart after Black Friday.

Amy xoxo

"Organized Scenery"

by Au Revoir Simone

Trees grew leaves in the weeks, I was gone
No response when the neighbors came to call
And you wouldn't want it any other way
We know, everything changed

Sometimes summer wears away
When we want to see the sky
If you look down
You'll see, you'll find
In the warmth of the winter we cried out
Take what's left of your time and decide
And you wouldn't look beyond the other way
We know, everything changed

Remember ah-ah
Remember ah-ah

See how we watch the world go by when we wonder
We even let all our plants die, don't think about them
Oh seeking can be so time consuming

Remember ah-ah
Remember ah-ah

Trees grew leaves in the weeks, I was gone
Hands turn keys to the locks in the door
And we wouldn't want it any other way
We know, everything changed

5

What have you been a collector of? A lady came into the store today and said her gf collects the number 5. I want to collect something! ;) My favorite numbers have always been 24 (my birthday) and 7 (my lucky number). I am not saying I have to collect numbers because let's face it- collecting is sort of a waste. I remember when I used to collect key chains and candles. I had this tall, brown IBC Root Beer bottle and I would let the neon wax of these tall candles drip down the sides to create neat patterns- they were glow in the dark too. I loved glow in the dark things. I also had glow in the dark stars all over my ceiling too. My mom and dad were so cool- they always supported my creativity.

I worked until 6 and then headed to help Adam out with my amazing car. Can your car haul an 8x10 rug? Probably NOT! One of my favorite fast food restaurants is Chick-fil-A. Here is out assortment of sauces- I like how Adam called it a sauce buffet.

Amy xoxo

"My Love"

The Bird and The Bee
My love let me go again
Right back, back to the top of the
Slide down, sad clown
Oh oh oh oh oh

My clown, let me love you
What's that
Back to the back of the rebound
Clown, hang around
Oh oh oh oh

Hey, boy, won't you take me out tonight?
I'm not afraid of all the reasons why we shouldn't try

Hey, boy, won't you make me out tonight?
I get excited when I think of climbing into your arms

Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

Oh, my light, take me there again
Up top to the top of the
Freefall, a great wall
Oh oh oh oh oh

My mouth, let me kiss again
Sift out, sift out all of the dust
Hole, black hole
Oh oh oh oh

Hey, boy, won't you take me out tonight?
I'm not afraid of all the reasons why we shouldn't try

Hey, boy, won't you make me out tonight?
I get excited when I think of climbing into your arms

Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

Hey, boy, won't you take me out tonight?
I'm not afraid of all the reasons why we shouldn't try

Hey, boy, won't you make me out tonight?
I get excited when I think of climbing into your arms

Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

Lemming

Work again. Pizza again. Adam again. Dexter.

Again, nothing to complain about.

Have you ever watched Dexter? It's twisted in a lot of ways, especially this season where Julia Stiles is an escaped rape victim seeking revenge on her attackers. Some of this stuff is hard for me to watch not necessarily because of the content which I am seeing right before my eyes, but because of the feeling those images awaken inside of me. I am not a rape victim but I have allowed myself to be in the position of the weak female- the one who lets the guy call the shots and exercise his control in an abusive way. The best part about being in control of my life now is that I get to call the shots. There is no one person who directly controls what I do. When I allow people to take a strong position in my life, it's because I have allowed them that control- not because they have taken it from me.

Amy xoxo

"This Is Why We Fight"

by The Decemberists

Come the war
Come the avarice
Come the war
Come hell

Come attrition
Come the reek of bones
Come attrition
Come hell

This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
And this is why
This is why we fight

When we die
We will die
With our arms unbound

And this is why
This is why
Why we fight
Come hell

Bride of quiet
Bride of all unquiet things
Bride of quiet
Bride of hell

Come the archers
Come the infantry
Come the archers
Of hell

This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
This is why
This is why we fight

And when we die
We will die
With our arms unbound
And this is why
This is why we fight
Come hell
Come hell

This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
This is why
This is why we fight

When we die
We will die with our arms unbound
And this is why
This is why we fight

So come to me
Come to me now
Lay your arms around me
And this is why
This is why
We fight
Come hell
Come hell
Come hell
Come hell

Rumbi reader

I love my job. Truly. It's retail and that has its consequences on my body which most times translates into fatigue and hunger. I am always hungry but feel like I never eat and when I do I completely gorge myself because who knows when I will see food again- like it's some anomaly.

After work tonight I drove straight to Rumbi to get their Hawaiian pork with teriyaki sauce and brown rice bowl. It's a staple in my top 15 favorite food items. Sad that my life consists of fast food so much. I cannot complain about something so good- have you had this amazingness before? Don't judge until you have and after that, let the judging begin.

Then I headed over to Bob's house. The last thing I wanted to do was... well, anything. But it was good hanging out with Bob for a casual night. After dinner and in sync with the night, he casually told me he was now going to draw me. I was able to sit and read my book in the peace of Bob's place. And this is the outcome of his wonderful talent! I keep thinking there must be some horrible defect in Bob as a person because what guy cooks, cleans, hems his own pants AND draws beautifully? But just for the record, I haven't seen anything but amazingness come out of this guy. There may be some competition there.

Amy xoxo

"Same"
by Snow Patrol

Maybe somewhere else
Will not be half as cold as me
The curtains drawn the winter sun
Makes patterns on your face
It looks like some kaleidoscopic breathing exercise

It's the same [x6]

Baby won't you breathe

Hold me in your freezing arms before we have to go
I whince a little but it's not because I know the truth
The windshield of your little car is frosted through the glass
The clear heart of air appears as we shiver on the seats

It's the same [x6]

Treat it as a test [x2]
Baby wont you breathe [x2]
It's the same [x6]