My ultimate

A few weeks ago, I was talking with Ben, Hannah, and Adam. We were in the basement probably watching some awesome show. Ben was talking about his ultimate girl (one he has known for years from school) when Adam was prompted to ask me, "Who is hottest guy you have ever come across?" Without hestitation I knew my answer and said it way too fast- Derek Ress. I think I hurt his feelings a bit but I knew his answer certainly wouldn't me. Am I justifying my answer? I will say that most times, I don't intentionally hurt people. Hurting people intentionally is something I have tried to steer clear of because it's such passive-aggressive behavior. It's cowardly and it's a slap in the face. I am sure there are people who think I do things intentionally to hurt them, but I can assure you, that is not who I am. But like I said, I am not perfect and I do things sometimes which do hurt others. Sorry, that was a tangent.

Derek Ress. Yes. He was yummy. If you knew him, you would think so too. Take the good looks of Brad Pitt and multiply them by 2. Then add some Red Vines and Dr. Pepper and you have a complete package. Yes, that was him. I think hearing that he was hotter than Brad Pitt had Adam discounting my accuracy. But I assure you, opinions aside- I KNOW I AM RIGHT. I wish I had a picture of him. Maybe that would be detrimental to my relationship with my future husband but at least then my credibility would be established to such a degree that you would believe me in any future circumstance. BELIEVE ME- he was that good looking. But I would pass up that 2x Brad Pitt Derek Ress any day for someone who will treat me with respect, acceptance, and love. Remember that Brad.

Amy xoxo

"Sleep To Dream Her"
by Dave Matthews Band

I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh, I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh, I came there to find out
Find out she'd made up her mind, oh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

This space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now

It seemed so unnerving
Still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here, oh

Oh, I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes

Cash stash

"I'm really sick of this test." That's what I said to myself as I opened the compartment which revealed hundreds of dollars.

Stealing has never been a problem or a temptation for me. My parents established with me early on that lying and stealing go hand in hand. Lying is one of my pet peeves. I hate deception. Not to be confused with the movie Inception because that is a great movie.

At my current job, it would be easy to steal a lot of items. But to me, losing my soul isn't worth some trinket I can live without.

Tonight, I was closing up the store and found this secret money tucked away. Why are you doing this to me Satan? Or could it be from you Heavenly Father? Either way, both sides are interested in what I will do.

I will be in control of my actions. I will control what happens to me as much as possible. Even when I have said this in the past, I felt like I was making choice after choice soley because I was on the path of one action- like when I chose not to be LDS for a time. That one choice led me down a path where I thought all of my actions after that were choices in the moment but in reality, they were because of one initial choice not to be LDS. I don't want to make a choice now, say to steal and then have some of my other actions after that be from out of guilt or shame- to lie about what I have done.

It's a lot easier to do your best, to fall short and say, I am sorry, I have tried and learned and I will do better next time than to say, sorry I knew better but chose to be selfish and petty and I chose wrong.

Amy xoxo

“People do not lack strength, they lack will.”
by Victor Hugo

The power of a glance

http://society6.com/product/Lilly-Byx_Print

Can anyone tell me this is not lovely?

That is all I have to say for today.

Amy xoxo

“The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.”

by Victor Hugo

Many start, few finish

I finished the Hunger Games trio. All three books were appealing to me in different ways. The progression of the story was interesting. The books progress much like life. For example, did you think your life would be where it is now? Probably not. We all have expectations of our lives and that is not to say we don't have happy and great lives it's just that our lives took paths which we didn't know they would travel. These books are so true to life in general. The story has many twists and turns and some are not pretty. And when our lives take those twists and turns, it's about dealing with them and learning to be happy. This life is a training center on how to be happy. I am not claiming it's soley about that, but all roads lead there.

Amy xoxo

"A Twist In My Story"
by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, say what's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you
This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Heart open

Sometimes we judge and are concerned about others, but those are the moments when we should take a step back and access our own lives. When we view our own weakenesses, we are vulnerable and this can be difficult. Many people fear change. The only thing we should fear is sin and even that is something we shouldn't focus on. Change happens despite our feelings about it. The best thing to do in life is to accept the things we cannot change and have a good attitude about the things we cannot. I am not perfect and it's something I am very open about. I make mistakes daily. The key is to acknowledging those mistakes and making the changes necessary to make the situation better including improving one's own life. I grateful for my opportunity to apply the Atonement to my life daily.

Amy xoxo

"Hands Open"
by Snow Patrol

It's hard to argue when
you won't stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it
keeps digging my own grave with my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my...

Hands open and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
that your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

[x2]

Put Sufjan Stevens on
and we'll play your favorite song
"Chicago" bursts to life and your
sweet smile remembers you, my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

[x3]

Intertwined

It ready does suck the fun out of life when I'm sick. I didn't have to work until 3 so I was able to go to a new lunch spot with Adam, get a lot of reading done and rest. I am now on the third book of the Hunger Games. WARNING do not read the rest of this post if you have not read the books and are planning to. I am just over 100 pages of the book. So far Haymitch has turned out to be a big disappointment. I'm hoping there is some sort of big secret about him and a reason for him acting like such a jerk! I don't think Katniss would choose Gale over Peeta with everything that her and Peeta have been through. Katniss and Gale seem more like best friends and Peeta and Katniss seem more suited for each other as partners.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I am grateful for my fortunate accidents. No matter what happens to me in the future, this is who I want to be with. This kind of love to me is lasting. I feel like this is where I am headed.

Amy xoxo

"Always You"
by Ingrid Michaelson

I wait in the rain but I don’t complain because I wait for you
I don’t feel pain, you’re like novocain, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

Time and again I thought that the end was just around the bend
You but showed me there’s more, I got more in store, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

It was always you
It was always you

Decades of not getting sick

The first day of my weekend! I was able to run a few errands and I even met up with Susan and Serra at one of my favorite stores downtown- Decades. Now working retail- I get it. I GET IT when you become irritated when a customer picks something up and puts it in the wrong place. Serra was trying on shoes for her school dance tomorrow. She is a considerate girl in public places. This is the girl who goes out of her way to be nice. I was with her- I saw her picking up shoes, trying them on and putting them back in their appropriate spots. So how come after Serra left, the Decades associates felt the need to complain about her trying shoes on? Isn't it part of owning a retail store to allow your customers to try things on? Like I said I GET IT when I understand the retail world- it's frustrating to see customers being inconsiderate. But on the flip side, it's frustrating to feel unwelcome in a store. This is not the first time I have felt an icy chill from these two associates. I feel like I'm done with this place for a while.

Later that night I felt a tingle in the back of my throat. I hate getting sick...

Amy xoxo

"Loving You"
by Paolo Nutini

Back off loneliness, and hello tenderness
I've been waiting for your call for so long
It must have been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that your heart wants you to go
And as you slide through the door
with your morals on your sleeve
I think it's time for all those morals to leave
So let's get down and freaky baby
Let's get restless baby, come on get crazy with me

And I said
When you're loving me, I'm loving you
And I love your prowess in the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
and when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

So many people think we've got it wrong
They'll try to break us but we won't play along
so let's get down and dirty baby
Let's get restless baby
Come on get crazy with me

And I said
When you're loving me, I'm loving you
I love the prowess in the things that you do
And it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on, oh goin' on

I was so stranded
I was lost and abandoned
I needed another home
And you flew in my arms
You just flew right into my arms

And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
I love the prowess in all the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
and when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

When you're loving me, I'm loving you
And I love the prowess in all the things that you do
And it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

It's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

Blue chain

My new turquoise skinny jeans are my favorite. I wore them with a sweet silver chain hanging on my hip. I must tell you a funny little story Adam recalled after seeing my outfit. There were two brothers who moved into his high school boundaries. They both wore hanging chains. Because of their chains, Adam said a lot of kids were scared of them. The kids in school thought these two brothers were tough. haha I'm sure they were. And that's how they received the nickname- the chain brothers. Nice! Maybe someone will nickname me blue chain or something cool like that. Yeah, something cool.

Amy xoxo

"Hearing Damage"
by Thom Yorke

A tear in my brain
Allows the voices in
They wanna push you off the path
With their frequency wires

And you can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes

A drunken salesman
Your hearing damage
Your mind is restless
They say you're getting better
But you don't feel any better

Your speakers are blowing
Your ears are wrecking
Your hearing damage
You wish you felt better
You wish you felt better

You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
In my

In my eyes
In my eyes
In my eyes

The loss that felt like a win

Tonight I watched the Jazz play against the Lakers. They lost but it felt like a win. The Jazz held their own against the Lakers.

Everyday there are are lessons to be learned. We all lose at times, but sometimes the greater win is in the knowledge taken away from the situation.

I am glad my life is in a position where no matter what happens, I know I will be ok. I will be more than ok because I am committed to being happy.

Amy xoxo

"Home"
By Dierks Bentley

West, on a plane bound west
I see her stretching out below
Land, blessed mother land
The place where I was born

Scars, yeah she’s got her scars
Sometimes it starts to worry me
Cause lose, I don’t wanna lose
Sight of who we are

From the mountains high
To the wave crashed coast
There’s a way to find
Better days I know

It’s been a long hard ride
Got a ways to go
But this is still the place
That we all call home

Free, nothing feels like free
Though it sometimes means we don’t get along
Cause same, no we're not the same
But that’s what makes us strong

From the mountains high
To the wave crashed coast
There’s a way to find
Better days I know

It’s been a long hard ride
Got a ways to go
But this is still the place
That we all call home

Brave, gotta call it brave
To chase that dream across the sea
Names, and they signed their names
For something they believed

Red, how the blood ran red
And we laid our dead in sacred ground
Just think, wonder what they think
If they could see us now

It’s been a long hard ride
Got a ways to go
But this is still the place
That we all call home

It’s been a long hard ride
And I won’t lose hope
This is still the place
That we all call home

Sea foam

I went to work today and received a nice surprise. Adam's Mom and sister Hannah came to my work today. It's always nice to see familiar faces at work.

After work I went to see Adam play ball. I always enjoy seeing him play. Yeah it sucks to see his team lose or to see him play at a fraction of his best due to injuries, but I enjoy seeing him give it 100% effort. When Adam commits to something, he does it with full conviction.

On my way to pick up dinner at Cafe Zupa's, I spoke with my friend Chris and my sister Liisa. Sometimes I feel like I call my family too much. I know it's ok rely on them for occasional emotional support, but I feel strong enough on my own to be calling them almost every day. I need to take a step back and feel confident in my own feelings and in the decisions I am making- I don't need the approval of others. But I do enjoy talking to my friends and family about their lives and I am taking more of an interest in what other people are doing and being happy for them. Because I really am happy for other people in their successes.

Amy xoxo

"Hard Enough"
by Brandon Flowers

You let me into your life on a whim
And there was magic and fire in the night
In loving I was just a little boy
I made mistakes that caused you so much pain
All I know is that I'm older now

Some people think that it's best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned love
Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness
They tell themselves that they're too young to settle down
Girl I promise you I'm older now

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me

I wasn't looking when we built these walls
Let me spread my dreams at your feet
Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise
Before my thoughts begin to run
I think I'm getting older now

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me

Can't stand the thought of another,talking to you sweet my dear
Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me

Guns and roses

Freedom will be a day when I don't have to depend on anyone to help me pay for anything. It will be a time when I am doing something in my career field- teaching art. I appreciate my life for what it is now, that I have a job that I am good at and which appeals to me and challenges me in certain ways. I have meaningful relationships which I am patiently nuturing. The biggest thing in my life which I am practicing is patience. I know where I am, who I am, where I want to go, how to get there and what I need to do now to get there. Timing is everything.

Amy xoxo

"Patience"
by Guns 'N Roses

1,2,1,2,3,4
[whistle]
Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt
You're in my heart now

Said, woman, take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(patience)
Mm, yeah

I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love
There's one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes
To make it, We won't fake it,
I'll never break it
'cause I can't take it

[whistle]
...little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
need a little patience, yeah
just a little patience, yeah
some more patience, yeah
need some patience, yeah
could use some patience, yeah
gotta have some patience, yeah
all it takes is patience,
just a little patience
is all you need *

I BEEN WALKIN' THE STREETS AT NIGHT
JUST TRYIN' TO GET IT RIGHT
HARD TO SEE WITH SO MANY AROUND
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE
BEING STUCK IN THE CROWD
AND THE STREETS DON'T CHANGE
BUT BABY THE NAME
I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THE GAME
'CAUSE I NEED YOU
YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED YOU
OO, I NEED YOU
WHOA, I NEED YOU
OO, ALL THIS TIME **
(ah)

Sixth grade fail

Aaron. In sixth grade he wanted to be my boyfriend. He lived around the corner from me. I was reminded of him because of Serra's drama. Serra is dating and she was recently discussing with me how uncomfortable she felt around a certain guy. This is not a new topic for us. I wish Serra knew how to be more assertive. I worry she won't be able to communicate her feelings of NO and she'll be in a situation she doesn't know how to get out of. And that is why I remembered Aaron.

He took me to his house once. We went to his room. He closed the door. I didn't think much of that. He started to play Boyz II Men. Loudly. This is when he started to profess his love to me. See Amy freak out. See Amy run. Just like a Dick and Jane book. Outside I could still hear his music. His admission love echoed across the pavement. I could not wait to get home. I was seriously freaked out.

I think what most guys mistake for passion comes out as aggression. I need a guy to be assertive, not lavish and certainly not indulgent. This was an absolute fail. Maybe this is why sixth graders shouldn't date.

Amy xoxo

"On Bended Knee"
by Boyz II Men

Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll guarantee
That I'll never let you go

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

So many nights I dreamt
Holding my pillow tight
I know that I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

I'm gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirit of love
It'll heal all things
It won't hurt any more
No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Wanna build a new life
Just you and me
Gonna make you my wife
Raise a family

I know I'm awake but it feels like I'm in a dream

I visited with Susan and Mike tonight. It felt like old times. I miss visiting with them.

I spoke with my Dad on the phone for a while. He is my hero and anytime I get to talk with him it's a treat and I treat that moment like it could be our last.

I value my relationships.

After all of my conversations, I hung out with Sean and Adam. I wish Sean lived in Utah for a few reasons. Most are selfish. Sean is a big Adamy supporter. Sean is a great advice-giver and listener. But more than anything, Sean allows me to move beyond my own perspective.

I have a lot of supporters I know this. I never feel alone.

Amy xoxo

"Love You Like A Love Song"

By Selena Gomez

[Verse 1]
It's been said and done
Every beautiful thought's been already sung
And I guess right now here's another one
So your melody will play on and on, with the best of 'em
You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible
A centerfold miracle, lyrical
You've saved my life again
And I want you to know baby

[Chorus]
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

[Verse 2]
Constantly, boy you played through my mind like a symphony
There's no way to describe what you do to me
You just do to me, what you do
And it feels like I've been rescued
I've been set free
I am hypnotized by your destiny
You are magical, lyrical, beautiful
You are... And I want you to know baby

[Chorus]
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

[Bridge]
No one compares
You stand alone, to every record I own
Music to my heart that's what you are
A song that goes on and on

[Chorus]
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

I love you...like a love song...

Desert ride

I'm feeling quite nostalgic lately. I feel like one piece of writing is inadequate to contain the full story of who Eddie Brown was to me. This post will be about a moment I spent with the infamous Eddie Brown. At such a young age I had such a strong connection with him. One time in Phoenix, Eddie and I took Rachel and Chris' car out for a drive. I remember it distinctly. A BMW with a sunroof. The air was chilly outside but inside Eddie turned the heat up in the car and opened the sunroof to expose to open sky dotted with stars. Out in the desert, away from the city, you can see the most beautiful stars. The open desert, surrounded only by brush and heat, makes most things more beautiful. I loved feeling the heater spew out the warm air all around me with the top open. It was my first time drinking a Starbucks' drink. Apple Caramel Cider. Oh wow. That was a great night.

Amy xoxo

"Runaway Lover"
By Madonna

You lost your reputation on a woman
You didn't understand or care to know
You get your education from your lovers
But now there's just no place for you to go

It doesn't pay
To be a runaway lover
It doesn't pay
To give away what you lack
You'll never get your money back

You're set adrift with no direction
Just like a ship that's lost at sea
You don't care where you drop your anchor
Make sure it doesn't land on me

It doesn't pay
To be a runaway lover
It doesn't pay
To give away what you lack
You'll never get your money back

Walking around on a cloud
Cause every girl you meet just trips on you
Saying your name out loud
I guess you met your match
Now what will you do

It doesn't pay
To be a runaway lover
It doesn't pay
To give away what you lack
You'll never get your money back

Hungry runner girl

Every once in a while there comes a day when one of two things happens; either it is a day not worth mentioning or it is an extraordinary day but it is too precious to mention in a public forum such as this. Most of the time my days manage somewhere in between but today is one of the former. Because of this fact I will revert this post to something I have been wanting to share with you. It may be a bit scandalous to share, think and feel on my part but I am willing to be open with you. Besides, I don't think the players will mind that much given our circumstances now and we all know what I have to say is the truth.

In October, my friends Steph, Rach and I went out to eat at a place called Nachos Libre. The chips are deliciously homemade. On our ride there together, Steph and Rach pressed me about my relationship with Jack- but to be clear it was all harmless girl talk. Steph boldly asked me, "Is Jack a rebound from Adam?" I was surprised Steph would be so assertive but I was refreshed to hear an honest question- not because it was surprising to hear honesty coming from Stephanie but because girls in general are such snakes! I felt like as my friend she deserved an honest answer but she also deserved the truth because of her boldness. I told her, "No, Jack was not a rebound because if anyone was a classic rebound, that title would have gone to Lance or even Ryan because they were guys I dated even before Jack. And this is only my opinion so maybe Jack is a rebound, but I really don't feel that way nor do I think so."

At the time I didn't realize the irony of that question in that car ride and at the dinner table. Last week while I was in Sandy taking care of Snickers, I had a revelation in the comfort of my warm shower... do you ever do some of your best thinking in your shower? That was not my revelation- this was...

Before Jack, before Lance, and before Ryan there was one rebound to rule them all. Stephanie and Rachel were my rebound girls. Running with them was the best outlet for me after my break-up with Adam. I thought our friendship would last but sadly, it did not. Maybe they see it differently, but I felt like I was putting in the effort to a one sided relationship. That and I feel like Stephanie saw me happy with Jack and wanted that for herself. I wish nothing but happiness for Stephanie when it comes to love. Sometimes relationships don't work out simply because they are not meant to be. Steph and Rach gave me what I needed in a very difficult time and I am so grateful to them for that. My life is a bit emptier without my girlfriends but I can't make someone want to spend time with me who doesn't feel like putting in that kind of effort. Time to move on. I'm cleaning house in so many ways.

Amy xoxo

"Break The Spell"
By Daughtry

Like a moth into a flame,
I'm hypnotized,
And like a stone,
I'm paralyzed cause I can't look away,

You found your way under my skin,
And I'm tryin' not to love you,
But I hate the way I keep on givin'

Into you, like I always do,
No matter how I try,
Or maybe could it be,
That you're the part of me,
That's keeping me alive?

How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under,
I'm so addicted to the pain,
Got your poison running through my veins,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without you,

I could fight you 'til the end,
But I will lose you if I win,
So I guess I'll just keep on givin'

Into you, like I always do,
No matter how I try,
Or maybe could it be,
That you're the part of me,
That's keeping me alive?

How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under,
I'm so addicted to the pain,
Got your poison running through my veins,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without you,

This feeling is far from sober,
Its beauty buried deep inside,
You're the only one who gets me high,
And I know it's far from over,

As you can see you're the part of me,
That's keeping me alive

How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under,
I'm so addicted to the pain,
Got your poison running through my veins,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without,

I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without, you.

A girl to break the spell

Hello my sweets! What did you do to celebrate the New Year? Do you believe in making resolutions?

I believe making resolutions is not something we can see in black and white. We set up a goal and if we fail we are losers. No, that's not it. First of all, it's ok to set goals anytime. Second, it's ok to fail. Sometimes we are afraid to fail. Failing does not translate into loser status simultaneously. For me, my art has taught me a lot about failing and perfection. Some of my most beautiful mistakes have been my greatest accomplishments. I believe we should embrace the fear of failing with open hearts to allow ourselves the room to make mistakes.

My goals for this year? Serve a mission or get into graduate school. I think those are two worthy pursuits. Another goal I have is to start making more stuff! I want to open my own Etsy shop. I don't want serving a mission to hold me back from that so I think I'll just open a store and see where it takes me. Another goal I have is to stop drinking so much soda. I love Dr. Pepper and he loves me but this relationship is toxic. And last of all, I think I'll continue to be happy, assertive me. Yes, that sounds right :)

Amy xoxo

"Only You Can Make You Happy"
by Au Reviour Simone

Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh

Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh (la la la la la la la la)
Only you can make you happy, oh (la la la la la la la la)

(la la la la la la la la)
(na na na na na na na na)

(na na na na na, oh, oh, oh)