Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us now for the mistakes we have made in the past. I believe in these words yet I have not fully forgiven you. I know I will soon. I am mad at you for the hurt you have caused me and inflicted upon me, but it is not unforgivable. I do not know to what extent you have told the new Bishop what you have physically and emotionally done to me- but all I can know is that yes, the things you have continued to do are reasons for me to leave. You have pulled knives out and held them to your throat and threatened to kill yourself on many (several) occasions. I can remember going to bed those nights afraid if you were ever going to pull a knife out on me. I cannot go back to the past again. It is not only painful, but it is unsafe for me to do so. I need to forgive you so we can both move forward with our lives and heal. I know I have been a patient wife, friend, lover and woman when it came to you. I know I have done everything I could to be the best for you. I treated you so well and I didn't always get that same treatment back from you. Patience has been something I have practiced in our marriage and I feel like it is not something I need to practice any longer- you have ended our marriage by continuing your controlling and abusive behavior. Of course I have contributed to the outcome of our relationship as well. When I think of faults I have or the parts I played in our decline- they are hard for me not to admit- but to find. I have felt truly devoted to you. But I haven't found that to be the case with you. There were always friends you wanted to hang out with more than just you and me. When I would ask you if I could just be with you- it was always a hassle and a struggle. Sorry- not always but most of the time. You would want it your way. This journal isn't a way for me to tell you how awful you were- because we did have some good times and you were good to me at times- but I want you to understand my feelings, thoughts, and actions. I know you may not understand everything now, but you will. That's what's so sad for me. Now you say you're willing to change but it's too late- I don't trust you and I don't feel safe with you even though I am so close to forgiving you. Forgiveness and feeling safety and trust around you are not linked. I know it will be hard to be divorced from you because of the good times we had. It feels weird to say 'divorced'. I think that's the way I am leaning towards but I want to be sure. Tomorrow I plan on attending the temple- SLC. I have never been and what better way then to go there where our eternal partnership started. I feel like it will take a miracle to repair us- our relationship together. When I am on my own- I feel free to make the decisions that are the best for me. Sometimes when I am with you- I feel like you make selfish decisions that effect both of us. It feels good to have a choice. Right now I can do anything I want. No one to tell me my dreams are not important and can't come true.
Amy
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part one
Hey, guess what I found? Something juicy for you, painful but liberating for me! What could it be? A note... I write this now because I can. Whenever I think that maybe my writing won't help anyone, I think again. Because what if... it does?
***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***
Monday, September 14th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-
Amy
A look at more to come...
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...
Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.
Amy xoxo
***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***
Monday, September 14th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-
Amy
A look at more to come...
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...
Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.
Amy xoxo
Monday, June 25, 2012
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