I Must Create It

Written Friday, October 26, 2012

My last day at work. It was a weird day. I am glad to be my own boss now and pursue my own interests. I came home and started moving my room around and going through my closet. I moved my bed (it's on wheels) and one of the wheels snapped and now it's broken. I stood there in the middle of my torn up room, looked at my broken 3 wheeled bed and wanted so deeply to cry. I wanted to cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  I stood there, tears welling in my eyes and none would fall. I still haven't given myself permission to cry. In moments of surprise and despair I do give myself the courtesy of a few tears but I feel absolutely weak in those subtle breakdowns. I need to give myself permission to feel again. It's only human to feel something- ANYTHING. And I know I do feel but it would be a sweet release to cry again because that would mean I am free from what is really holding me back there.
For now, I am glad to start on another one of my great adventures. Change is a good thing and I am determined to put my talents to good use.
Back sometime around February of 2010, I met with my friends Lance and Dagen at Cannella's. Fitting because that's where my sister and I would spend some of our summer nights eating out with Cindy and John. Lance and Dagen didn't know then how much their words impacted me. I listened to everything they had to say and I knew then that I would make a position for myself. I mean that in so many ways. Now is my time to create my dream position for myself. I can do whatever I want with my time. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it finally feels good to taste it in such length.

Amy xoxo

Be the Change

I know what it's like to have a past. Sometimes I look ahead and see how easy my path will be now that I have had to endure hard things all before I was even 25. I don't often find myself feeling badly about the life I once had because it has given me the one I have now. When I do feel pain from my past, I have found that it is best to tell myself, "That is an old story". I recognize what I am feeling so that I feel validated, but then I can move on. I do move on.
I wasn't planning on telling you this story again, but I feel like it's an important one. I have found that I give purpose to things and even to people when I genuinely take an interest in them.
When I was in my early tweens, I had a cat named Claira. Everyone in my family thought of her as a brat cat. She would hiss and scratch at anyone in her way. I made a conscious decision to go out of my way to be nice to her- even when she was behaving badly. She would glare at me if I got in her path or even near her but I took the challenge and would get down on her level and cuddle up close to her. She bit me and clawed me a few times but eventually she knew that I was never giving up and I would never leave her. I would always be there to give her love. We became best friends. There would be times that I was uncomfortable in my current position in my bed but I wouldn't budge because I didn't want to disrupt Claira, silly I know.
The point I am trying to make is that it doesn't matter what you find important, just find something. I may love butterflies and you may see no point in studying or even looking at them. I can tell you that one of the most important investments with our time involve people. There are people who may even resist our love but that doesn't mean they don't deserve it. If you feel like you aren't getting through to someone, stop trying to solve your own agenda and start helping them with theirs.
I don't know about you, but it's always easier for me to connect with someone when I see just how transparent they are. I thrive on honesty and consideration. And that is your challenge this week- determine who in your life needs the most love. Be a mirror and think and act truthfully so that others may feel safe to do the same.

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


Amy xoxo