Dudes and Dudettes

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me, everyone will always build their own perception of me based on truths, half-truths and falsities. Some opinions I can influence, but controlling anyone except for myself is something which I cannot. I would rather be thought of as the girl who flirts/dates a lot than the girl who is closed off to the world. I cannot help but be open to the pleasure as well as the pain. I will not change myself to conform to someone else's ideals. I know what is right for myself and I have the freedom to choose. I choose to be cautious in my decorum, my flirtatious behavior, and in extending myself beyond what I can afford to give up, but I will still allow myself to be open to the adventures in heartache. Let the frenzy of the optimist begin.

I took a vacation day because my friend Chris was in town to visit me. We went to my favorite breakfast food resturant, Millcreek Cafe in SLC. They always have a special of the day which makes my belly so happy to consume. I ordered the banana walnut pancakes with bacon and eggs. I was thinking, if you switch the first letters of banana walnut to wanana balnut it sounds really funny. This is how my mind works, go with it... a never ending free flowing stream of thoughts where everything is connected. I am sure you are connected in my brain sandwiched somewhere between apples and lingere.

Amy xoxo

"Somewhere I Belong"
by Linkin Park

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Ps I saw a lot of hot dads at the pool today. Kudos to them for staying hot! Btw, if you are thinking homewrecker, let me help mold your opinion and say no, I would never break up a marriage because of a lustful thought.

Curiouser and curiouser!

I was feeling sorry for myself on the way home from my 10.5 hour workday. It was confirmed to me by a doctor today that I have IT Band Syndrome. My left leg hurts. I feel like a baby even talking about it because it def makes me weaker than not having it. Just when I was crying "Poor me!" in my head, I saw a woman struggling to walk. She was hobbling slower than a snail's pace on the sidewalk, her shoulder grazing the tall stone wall to her left. It wasn't until I passed her that I could fully see her plight, she had one leg. I wrote this to Jack today, "I got teary eyed. I couldn't believe how blatant Heavenly Father was with his message. I am beyond blessed, I never have room to complain, even if it's alone in my thoughts." Amen.

Here is a fun survey about me so you get to know a few tidbits:

fav color: It's always been blue but honorable mention goes to pink then green
fav drink: Pina Colada then Dr. Pepper
fav food: Sushi
fav tv show: I really enjoyed Lost for a variety of reasons. First, there isn't a show like it. Second, the characters are all hot and on a tropical island. Third, I love all of the symbolism throughout the show.
fav movie: The Breakfast Club
fav dessert: For pie, it's coconut cream. I love frozen yogurt usually with kiwis and gummy bears.
fav clothing store: Everything inside Anthropologie is pretty and pretty expensive! I did buy a pair of $80 shoes from there once that I fell in love with when they were $190 and I waited so patiently!
fav number: 24 and 7
fav accessories: Bold statement pieces which stand alone, like a jade green necklace. Right now I am loving on my Coach bag Lauren gave me for FREE! Lauren says it's fake but I don't care :)
fav season: Fall!
fav animal: It was the Koala when I was 6 and I have no idea why. I am def an animal lover! I want to have 1 or 2 dogs when I have a family. I know this is an insect but I love butterflies.
fav band/singer: Lifehouse and favorite singer is Steven McKellar from Civil Twilight. Seeing that band perform live was one of the best decisions I ever made. I became so emotional from hearing them perform, it was one of the most powerful things I have ever felt.
fav pastime: Lately it's been running, writing, and doodling.

Amy xoxo

"Falling In"
by Lifehouse

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I can't wait till tomorrow
This feeling has swallowed me whole
And know that I've lost control
This heart that I've followed
Has left me so hollow
That was then, this is now, yeah you have changed everything

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

I'm standing in your driveway
It's midnight and I'm sideways
To find out if you feel the same
Won't be easy, have my doubts too
But it's over, without you I'm just lost, incomplete
Yeah you feel like home, home to me

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

All those nights I stayed awake
Thinking of all the ways to make you mine
All of those smiles will never fade
Never run out of ways to blow my mind

Every time I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don't be scared, it's only love
That we're falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in
Don't be scared, it's only love
Baby, that we're falling in

Ps Sometimes after a long day, when you have been solving problems for others and helping them out, all you want to do is be taken care of. I came home to an empty feeling apartment filled with useless things. I cannot wait to have a fun weekend. My weekend starts now! No work for me tomorrow! YAHOO!!

Step it up

My heart is full. I still feel like I am floating sometimes. I've been a little more grounded but every once in a while I will get this far away look and the person I am with knows I am no longer present. I am spinning away like a tire with no brake. Who will be my brake pad?

I haven't experienced many times in my life where prayer has been hard for me, but this is one of those times. I feel close to my Heavenly Father and I know he loves me and wants to help me, but it is my own foolishness which holds me back from praying properly. I am not ready to receive the answers that I have been seeking. There has been something which has been pressing on my mind on and off since I was young and now the time has come to receive the answer yes or no. I feel like I am not ready for this. Lauren told me today that it's a hard thing to float, to live with the unknown answer. She said no matter what my answer is, knowing is always better than wondering.

It's not too much to ask to have a partner who inspires me on every level. I don't want to talk about any of my past loves specifically, but know that's who I am looking for. I need a guy who helps me spiritually by encouraging me to search the scriptures with him daily. I need a guy who gently reminds me. I need a guy who appreciates me steaming his clothes for work. I need a guy who tells me about some foreign disease he just heard about and how interesting it is. I need a guy who laughs at the little and the big things, a guy who is always willing to smile with me. I need a guy who can see all of my faults and is ok with me not being as smart as him at math. I am not a math girl. And hey, he may not be a creative guy, but we can learn from one another. I need to inspire him too. I need a guy who is confident enough with himself that he is secure in our relationship. I don't need or even want a guy who is perfect- perfection is not something I am seeking.

I know my life is whatever I want it to be. I want to be happy. always. And guess what? I am pretty freakin happy right now! It's because I make that choice every day. You make it a lot easier.

Amy xoxo

"Junk Of The Heart (Happy)"
by The Kooks

Junk of the heart is junk of my mind
So hard to leave you all alone,
We get so drunk that we can hardly see
What used to that, but you aren't me baby,
See I notice nothing makes you shatter no no
You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart,
But are you mine?

[Chorus]
I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive,
Let me make you happy,
I wanna make you feel alive at night,
I wanna make you happy
If you're a good girl tonight
Yeah

A ship to be sunk, life is not a race,
When I'm not happy I'm in disgrace
So I spend time with pissing on you oh
You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart,
But are you mine?

[Chorus]
I wanna make you happy,
I wanna make you feel alive,
Let me make you happy,
I wanna make you feel alive at night,
I wanna make you happy
If you're a good girl tonight.
Yeah

(la la-la-lala)

Still I notice nothing makes you shatter no no
You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart.
But are you mine?

[Chorus]
I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive,
Let me make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive at night,
I wanna make you happy,
If you're a good girl tonight.

Ps

Tuesday Sprinklers

My day started with my typical T, Th, Sat run with Rachel and Stephanie @ 5:45am. I won't pretend I was the courageous one who got out of bed soley on my own. After they confirmed they would be awake and ready to run on time, I knew I couldn't let my girls down. I am glad I got my butt out of bed! Whenever I run, my thoughts shift through my head with ease and control. I am glad I have this physical outlet.

Work was pleasant and I even got to see some of my old customers from MA. I found out she is an acrylic artist! She showed me her amazing abstract work and I showed her my piece that sold at Saturday's art show. We all ended up hugging because I was able to get them a small SUV for a sedan size rate. I love making people happy.

After work, Andrew told me he was making spaghetti and I quickly agreed to join him at his invitation. His dinner was legit! He cooked hamburger for the sauce while I made the garlic bread; it felt good to be in a kitchen preparing a good meal with good company. I've been thinking about why I enjoy hanging out with Jack and Andrew so much and I think it's because I feel appreciated, respected and enjoyed by them. I know they are going to get sick of me coming around every day, but for now I am enjoying our time spent hanging out.

Jack got home from work and we both rushed over to our stake ultimate frisbee match. There were a ton of people playing when we arrived! We had enough people for 6 teams! Jack and I played with Johnny and Nic's team at first. Then we were asked by David to join an All Star team if we wanted to participate. I was excited because Steph was on it and I hadn't seen her or Rachel since we arrived. I had a lot of fun playing even though I tore my knee up a little bit again... I wore leggings but no bandaid :( I am of the opinion that I can't keep worrying about getting hurt, I am going to keep playing hard. It's like my leg hurting from possibly IT Band Syndrome, I can't keep worrying about it and thinking about the pain, I just need to keep going. I will do what I can to keep myself healthy by stretching properly, eating healthy, etc. but I am not going to baby myself. Life is too short not to live every moment to the fullest. I may not be here tomorrow and I want to look back and say I played hard and enjoyed every moment and took every possible risk to be the happiest I could. I will have an enjoyable life and I may die trying to accomplish this, but at least I am dying doing what I love and becoming the best person possible. I will not let my passion for life die in the comforting confines of my home. I was meant for more than a shelf life.

With that being said, I had a great time going to Miles' birthday party with Jack and Andrew. I am glad they came and got to know some of my other friends like Miles, Shannon, Rachel, Erica, Tyler and Mike. It was fun to play the card game Nerts aka Rummy with everyone. I enjoy hanging out with my friends so much because they are the closest thing to family that I have :)

After the party on our way home, Jack said it would be fun to run through the sprinklers as he pointed outside to some turned on in the distance. He didn't think I would actually hold him to it, pull the car over and start running in the direction of the wet rockets. Wet and laughing, we ran to our hearts delight. It was fun to be carefree and happy. I am always happy and it feels so good. I wish I could bottle these moments of happiness up and open them when I need to remember... maybe that's why I keep this online journal? I wouldn't change my life for anything. I would not trade these moments for any amount of money, power, or priviledge- I hold them too dear. If I were to die tomorrow, I would say follow the Spirit always. That is the one thing that has given me the direction I have always needed. I cannot deny my life is prone to failures, falls and rough spots, but those are things I look forward to because I can do anything through Christ which strengthens me, Philippians 4:13 :) And in the end, all of these heartaches are worth the end result.

Amy xoxo

"Slipped Away"
by Avril Lavigne

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Ps I think I found something I've been looking for as I had a deja vu moment tonight. A dream I had many years ago about a specific place was a place I was in tonight. It was magical. My night was something I cannot describe now, but I know one day I will find the words. Shocking, speechless and spine tingling!

Amazing saving grace labor day

Saturday
This wreath is hanging in Kneaders in Bountiful, UT. Go there, and not just to see the wreath. Jack said I should paint it. I don't know a lot of guys who inspire me, but he does, and what is a lot to me could be a small amount to others...? Lots to think about in that last run-on sentence and maybe we'll discuss it soon. So Rachel, Stephanie and Jack and I went running on Saturday morning @ 6:30am. YAY for us! We rock because we ran 7 miles! My leg was killing me and Jack said I may have IT Band Syndrome. Upon reading about it, I think I do :( But it doesn't matter because we ran 7 miles! haha
After running I slept for 4 hours. Running making we super tired; it felt good to catch up on some sleep. I spent some time at Susan and Mike's house watching the spectacular BYU football game. I say spectacular not because they played well but because they pulled off the win! Go Cougs! After the game I headed to the art show. Mike and Susan came, Courtney, Nic, and Jack, and Kyle also went by himself earlier in the day and so did my Bishop and his wife. After the show we all ate at The Spaghetti Factory. It was a hoot to get everyone together and enjoy each other's company. After dinner, we went back to the art show where it was hopping! We were anxious to see if anyone had bought our paintings, but alas, no one had. Some of us went our separate ways for the night...

Monday
I watched Mansfield Park this morning. I know I should read Jane Austen books instead of taking the easy way out and simply plopping myself in front of a screen to absorb the fluorescent light pictures. There are two quotes from the movie that touched me; one quote is from Fanny: "Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint." I think Fanny is saying you are allowed to let love into your life and carry you away, but don't swoon to the point where your heart is beyond repair. I also think this quote can be applied to many other things besides love. For me, I won't bite off more than I can chew. And the second quote is from Edmund to Fanny: "Surely you and I are beyond speaking when words are clearly not enough." I have felt this way before but I have never heard these simple words put together so elloquently to form the exact feeling of my heart.

Here is a snippet from my journal:

I think of you often. I wonder what you're thinking- mainly if you're thinking about me too. If I am being foolish- it does not matter because what matters most is that I am happy. And I am happy.
Does the idea of who I think you are make me feel this way- or is it purely and simple you?
Thank you for coming. I love being around you- I'm always wanting more. More conversation, more of your glances, more of your touch... it's always enough when you give it to me, but I love to be constantly wrapped up in you. So I guess in some sense I never get enough of you because you always leave me wanting... you... more. But I wonder if I could ever truly have you- like if you would ever be mine to have- if you would ever let me?
You're less complicated than I once thought. Simple and sweet. My mind likes to graze our past conversations as if savoring the memories- maybe that's all I'll ever have. I cannot focus on the past, but I will look to the memories we shared here together. I will know they were real- something we shared together. No one will or call take this away. I love that part.


Guess what?! I found out my painting SOLD on Saturday! A collector bought it. I don't know a lot of details yet but I will let you know more when I find out :)



Today was what I would classify as a perfect day. I spent the day with people that I love, I got to help and inspire some of them, we all had fun, and I accomplished a lot that I needed to get done. Some things that I got to do included the following:


*Bought Persuasion by Jane Austen and Dear John by Nicholas Sparks both hardbacks for $2.99 each (He is one of my favorite authors!)
*Made 2 Chocolate French Silk pies from scratch!
*Ate BBQ ribs with homemade pasta salad

It feels good to have people eat something I created. It's an extension of my art, only edible. Enjoy!

Amy xoxo

"Halo"
by Beyonce

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't begin to pull me back to the ground again

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh, oh........

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh oh.......
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh oh.......

Ps I think I am addicted to vacations and perfume. I may need help.

Calmez-vous femme, vous sont dans le hysterics

Glorious Friday! Today at work a French woman tested my patience but it was nothing I couldn't recover from. Let's just say she was renting a car from me for 21 days, does not speak a word of English, and cannot drive. Wow, moving on.

After work I stayed late to finish my painting for the art show. I picked up Mike's piece and dropped both mine and his at the gallery. I am excited to see what this is all about! I have never been in an art show except for the one I was in as a Junior in HS that I won. :D That piece is now hanging in my HS which can be seen in the pictures above! I went back in 2008 to have my photo taken with my piece and it was hanging wrong! The second photo shows how it should be hung. Oh well, it's not really mine anymore. haha

I am really proud of the work I did on my "Frog with Benefits" piece. I didn't come up with that name, Josh did. Who is Josh? I don't really know! But I met Josh up at Snowbird tonight with Jack and Andrew. I can't believe I got to ride to Snowbird in Jack's '75 Stingray. Yes, I am a lucky girl. We went swimming and played games in the arcade until late. I felt like a mother hen telling everyone I needed to leave because I had to wake up early for my Saturday run. I was sad to see the night fade away because I was having a great time. Tonight was a great way to start my relaxing weekend.

I hope you enjoy your weekend my pretties!

Amy xoxo

"Sail"
by Awolnation

Sail!

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my A.D.D. baby

This is how an angel cries
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

la la la la la
la la la la la oh

la la la la la
la la la la la oh

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me, sail with me
Sail!

Ps I am sad to see the Summer go, but I am excited to see what the Fall brings.

One month old

I need a camera which takes decent photos. I would love to learn the art of photography more; I think I have a knack for it like my mother. After all, September is upon us and that means Fall is coming; this is my favorite time of year! I love bundling up in layers because of the crisp, chilly air. I am also looking forward to this Winter where *hopefully* I will FINALLY learn how to snowboard. I mean, I have all my gear so there should be no excuses other than financial obligations but who needs to eat, right? My beautiful board has been idle for too long... shamefully I have never taken her out. FAIL. I am trying to get better at commiting to things and snowboarding is one thing I know I can commit to just like running. Only a broken leg will keep me off of the mountain this Winter, not a broken vagina. For those of you who know, you are laughing, for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, ask me.
Too much talk about the future. I am definitely enjoying life NOW! Today I picked up my "canvas" for my 24 hour art show. It wasn't a canvas and I am miffed that they called it such a thing- it's a wooden box! But after some persuasive techniques, I was able to get my friends Jack and Andrew to deliver my "uncle" Mike's canvas to him. Mike is Susan's husband and if you didn't read one of my earlier posts, Susan was my Sunbeam teacher at church. So Susan has been an intregal part of my life for the past 22 years.... Any who, Jack and Andrew came to my office to get the canvas when I was at lunch and sad because I missed out on seeing Jack's Stingray. Oh sexy car! Andrew sent me a picture because I was so skeptical that Jack actually owned a Corvette. I am a true believe after that picture with Jack pointing at me disapprovingly.

After work, I hopped on the U bandwagon and went with Nic to the opening football game. We dressed in red and painted each other's faces. I think I did the better job but I have two things going for me, 1) Being that I am a girl and talented in all things pretty and 2) I am an artist and talented in all things pretty. The game was awesome! Nic had student standing only tickets. After 20 minutes of fighting to watch the game between two Goliahs, I convinced Nic to sit in some seats below us where we watched the rest of the game! Victory! Not only for our seats but the U won.

I was thinking, life is great! I don't know what I am doing with my whole life, just bits and pieces. I am ok those bits. In fact, I am more than ok with being surprised a little, I expect it.

Amy xoxo

"No Matter What"
by Papa Roach

I need you right here, by my side
You're everything I'm not in my life.
We're indestructible, we are untouchable
Nothing can take us down tonight
You are so beautiful, it should be criminal
that you could be mine.

And we will make it out alive
I'll promise you this love will never die!

No matter what, I got your back
I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that
I swear to God that in the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing

So believe me when I say, you're the one
They'll never forgive us for the things we've done

And we will make it out alive
I'll promise you this love will never die!

No matter what, I got your back
I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that
I swear to God that in the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing
We'll never fight, we'll never fade
I'll promise you forever and my soul today
No matter what until the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing

And everybody said that we would never last,
And if they saw us now I bet they'd take it back
It doesn't matter what we do or what we say
Cause nothing matters anyway!

No matter what, I got your back
I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that
I swear to God that in the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing
We'll never fight (We'll never fight)
We'll never fade (We'll never fade)
No matter what until the bitter end
We're gonna be the last ones standing

Ps Sexy cars make me to crazy things