The emotional bowl

Ah, Wednesday! Thank you for cradling me in your soft arms dear hump day. You are in the middle of the week regularly but this time you are at the end of my long and fun weekend come Friday! I can't wait to see you San Fran!

I went to our usual bowling Wednesday but right from the get-go, I had a sour taste in my mouth. I mean, is it really that hard to hold a door open for me? It slammed in my face unnoticed. Nice.

I bowled a 160 the first game. Second game I got 3 strikes in a row which completed my turkey win with a 175 score. I was happy about that.

On our car ride home, I told Jack that I didn't want to have a DTR (define the relationship) but I felt like we needed to have one.

"Are you getting what you want out of this relationship?"

"I was but I haven't been so much lately," he said.

"Why?"

"We haven't been hanging out as much I guess," he responded with.

"Well Jack, we just expected each other's company before- we never communicated about when we would hang out with each other. And now that has changed."

Now what has changed?...

I need someone more assertive. I feel like I am worth the fight and that's what hurts my feelings the most. Who will fight for me?

Jack's room mate, Andy has been acting childish towards me. He called me a flirt and fake. Hello?! Yes, everyone knows I am a flirt. Get over the fact that I didn't want to date you Andy. You tell me you are acting like a jerk towards me-grow up- you want to pollute your life with negative feelings. Sorry I wasn't into you. I am moving on.

I had a great talk with a lot of important people from my life. Bob. Kyle. Adam.

Their assertiveness surprises me. Not because of them but because of how easy it is when TWO people are both acting assertively- you get a lot more accomplished in the realm of intimate conversations.

I really feel like the group Bon Iver gets me lately. Ever feel that way about a certain band or a certain song at particular points in your life? This band gets me NOW.

Sorry for all of the fragmented bits. I just needed to get it out and write it down.

Amy xoxo

"Blindsided"

by Bon Iver

Back down, down to the downtown
Down to the lockdown...
Boards, nails lie around

I crouch like a crow
Contrast in the snow
For the agony I'd rather know

'Cause BLINDED
I am blindsided

Peek in
Into the peer in
I'm not really like this
I'm probably plightless

I come through the window
I'm crippled and slow
For the agony I'd rather know

'Cause BLINDED
I am blindsided

Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out?
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out for me now?
Would you really rush out
For me now?

Ooh, for me now
Ooh, for me now
Ooh, for me now

Taut line
Down to the shoreline
The end of a blood line
The moon is a cold light

There's a pull to the flow
My feet melt the snow
For the irony I'd rather know

'Cause blindsided
I was blindsided
Blinded
I was blindsided
Blinded
I was blindsided

The guilt complex

Very interesting that my coworker Rachel and I would talk about guilt yesterday and here I am faced with it head on last night and today. Why do we suffer from feeling guilty? I made a decision in my life to do things deliberately. I made a decision to not feel guilty. Not like a psychopath or anything. But what I mean to say is that I have made the decision to feel bad for what wrongs I have committed and then to move on from those mistakes. Repentance is a daily, key principle to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Yes repentance is about confessing and forsaking but it is also coupled with forgiveness. And I mean granting ourselves with the permission to forgive ourselves.

"The Lord has said, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them” (D&C 58:43).

We must maintain an unyielding, permanent resolve that we will never repeat the transgression. When we keep this commitment, we will never experience the pain of that sin again. We must flee immediately from any compromising situation. If a certain situation causes us to sin or may cause us to sin, we must leave. We cannot linger in temptation and expect to overcome sin.

Restitution. We must restore as far as possible all that has been damaged by our actions, whether that is someone's property or someone's good reputation. Willing restitution shows the Lord that we will do all we can to repent.

Righteous Living. It is not enough to simply try to resist evil or empty our lives of sin. We must fill our lives with righteousness and engage in activities that bring spiritual power. We must immerse ourselves in the scriptures and pray daily for the Lord to give us strength beyond our own. At times, we should fast for special blessings.

Full obedience brings the complete power of the gospel into our lives, including increased strength to overcome our weaknesses. This obedience includes actions we might not initially consider part of repentance, such as attending meetings, paying tithing, giving service, and forgiving others."

http://lds.org/study/topics/repentance?lang=eng

If we truly forgive ourselves then we will be able to move on from those sins that we like to hold onto. We all like sin. There are certain ones which we know are harder for us than others. But true growth is measured by our strength to move past ourselves and reach to a higher standard. We cannot be afraid to become something great. We are capable of more than we think we are. So why? Why don't we do? Why are we afraid to become? What is holding us back? It's certainly not impossible, just unlikely that we will all reach our full potential in this life. But I can tell you what, I want someone who tries to reach for the impossible. I need that passionate man who isn't afraid to face himself and say, "I know I can do better. I love myself and my life now and of course my hot wife Amy, but I can resolve to reach higher." Because guess what? That is the kind of girl I am. I am not afraid anymore.

And it feels good to know that assertiveness is being recognized by someone other than myself. I live with myself every day so sometimes it's hard to see the progress I've been making. But tonight it was brought to my attention that this is a great time in my life because I am so strong. Yes, there has been a lot of loss in my life, but all of it has been for a purpose and I recognize those times of necessary instructions. I am a happy girl. I am living in the now. I can't think of a better way to live. With direction, purpose, clarity and resolve.

Amy xoxo

"Half Mast"

by Empire of the Sun

Come on now can we talk about it like we used to talk about
Hotel in the hills with a carousel
Farmhouse in the front a tractor in the lounge

Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know

Listen now can we talk in love and walk the town
Be easy now, go hiking through the hills in a summer gown
Raise the kids, peace within and make our sound

Hear me now, I'm down on knees and praying
though my faith is weak
without you so please baby please give us a chance
make amends and I will stand until the end
a million times a trillion more

Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know

Smile baby don't cry
I will only fly with you by my side
Baby I'm cornered now
Baby don't push me out
Lately I walk in doubt
Maybe it's crashing down
Baby can you save it now

Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know
Oh oh oh honey I need you round I know I know

Baby I'm cornered now
Baby don't push me out
Lately I walk in doubt
Maybe it's crashing down

Baby I'm cornered now
Baby don't push me out
Lately I walk in doubt
Maybe it's crashing down

Park house and undercover genius

Ugh! I woke up at 6:30 am to an annoying nightmare. I woke up crying. In my dream I was homeless and screaming. One of my girlfriends threw a penny at me and said, "You are dead to me!" I believe the reason I have these nightmares and dreams is to work through my conflicts. They aren't very pleasant at times, but most of the worthwhile pursuits in my life are difficult. Why is that? Why are the most satisfying and happy things in my life so hard to obtain? This is why I am such a grateful person. I appreciate what I have. Not all of the time, but my eyes are open. My eyes are open to a lot of things now.

A few weeks ago I awoke to a different dream. A dream of a pleasant nature greeted me this particular morning. There was light- a lot of light breaking through the trees around the perimeter of this open park. On the edge of the park was a gated mansion. The black rot iron gates were containing but permitting. Many people came and went, but they had to know the code. It was almost like a museum with the amount of people entering and exiting. How could this many people live in this one house? It was like a compound. It felt safe. And when I imagined living there due to the "For Rent" sign in the front, I imagined me, Lauren and her son Carter living there and we were happy... fast forward to November 7th, 2011, because 7 is my lucky number.

After a great day at work, I headed over to Bob's house for our second date. His assignment was mashed potatoes and vegetables and mine was chicken and dessert. I went to the grocery store after work and wouldn't you know it- they sold out of the whole chickens an hour earlier! I was at a loss for a split second and asked the meat guy, what am I supposed to do? Not like I was helpless or anything because I am smart enough to feed myself plus one other, but really?! You sold out of chickens on a Monday night? So I decided on the pieces of chicken they sell behind the murky glass cases- the kind of chicken that no one wants to eat. Ever. So I cave and decide that if I am going down, I am taking Bob with me. On my way to the ice cream section I spied some pre-cut fruit and if you know anything about me, you know I would eat fresh fruit with every meal. (Take notes, the way to my heart is through food first with boots following in at a close second). So I grabbed a medley of strawberries and blueberries. I love the word medley. Then in the ice cream section I decided to go the healthy way and I picked up Island Mango Sorbetto, whatever that is. Fancy sorbet it looks like.

As Bob gave me directions to his house I headed up a street I have never been to the top of. I slowly climbed the hill of our small community in my car and marveled in the awesomeness of never traveling this road before. Before I was within shouting distance of the gates I realized where I was. The park house. In my dream. Everything from the streets to the compound of houses were familiar to me. I dreamt about you! Even when I walked into the house- it emulated a museum like quality which was present in my dream. It does not matter why at the moment. All that needed to be revealed to me was the feeling of safety. I am ok with living in this moment and nothing else. I think that feeling of being safe comes with the space and also with the company. My date was surprisingly different from anything I have ever experienced before. There are many reasons and some of them I want to keep secure and secret for now. But I will share with you one...

A few days ago Adam told me maybe there is someone out there for me who can touch me in a way he cannot at this moment- someone who understands the art world which I belong to. It was quite suddenly after that conversation with Adam that Bob came into my life. Now I am not reading into this dream and this experience as some magical miracle. But I guess I should ask, why not dare to dream of something different? I could not have dreamt of this life for myself because I did not know it existed. Sometimes we dream because we cannot imagine what we are seeing in our heads at night in the daylight when we think our eyes are wide open. So which is it? Is reality the perceptions we conjure in the daylight when we think we are sponges to our every day surroundings or is our reality based a little in the dreams which are conjured in our sleeping minds- a little dark and mysterious and somewhat hopefully probing into our subconscious? Or course it can be a little of both because I don't necessarily like the one absolute over the other. Just something to think about. Or dream about. Or both.

Amy xoxo

"Call It What You Want"

by Foster the People

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

Yeah we're locked up in ideas
We like to label everything
Well I'm just gonna do here what I gotta do here
'Cause I gotta keep myself free
You're ducking and moving just to hide your bruises from all your enemies
And I'm in the crossfire dodging bullets from your expectancies

We've got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
Yeah you've crossed the line
I've got a knife behind my back (just sayin')
We've got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I've got can't be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

You've taken your words and you take your judgments
And stick them onto everything
If it don't conform to what you were born into,
Then you run the other way
You say, "now what's your style and who do you listen to?" who cares?
Well that rat race ladder-climbing fake-face smile's got nothing on me

We've got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
Yeah you've crossed the line
I've got a knife behind my back (just sayin')
We've got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I've got can't be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

Beautiful fire

Spent the day with my family and loved all of it. I was able to speak with each person separately- Mike, Susan and Serra. I love my time learning from them. I listen to their struggles, their hopes, their dreams and their desires. I listen to them hurting and I feel their pain. I feel their love for me and there is nothing greater in this world than feeling love. Maybe I am selfish in that way because I run to the people I know who love me- and they are never short of their praise and love for me. They challenge me to do what I know to be true and to become something greater beyond what I am currently.

Sometimes I wish I could make professional shopping a real job because I am dang good at it. I mean, I make thrift store finds look classy and I realize that is a gift. You mean I get to help someone and go shopping? Ok, I can die now, my life is complete :)

Amy xoxo

"Do You Realize?"

by The Flaming Lips

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize

Like water trapped in ice

I believe one of the most beautiful things we have the power to create are conversations with each other. There is a powerful connection made through the intimate form of verbal language. That's something beautiful I experienced tonight. I think it's ok to have awkward first dates or ones where you don't know what to expect or even ones that push you a bit to step outside of your comfort zone. I was pushed outside of my comfort zone into a place I didn't know existed. The exact thing I have been hoping for for so long was finally granted to me tonight in the form of someone new, someone extremely different and someone who gives me hope. In the form of many first dates, I feel like I am free. I am free to experience this life with those who make me happy.

Amy xoxo

"The Moon And The Sky"
by Sade

I was the one
I who could
Pull in all the stars above
Lay them on your feet
And I gave you my love
You are the one that got me started
You could have let me
Love anyone but I only wanted you
So why did you make me cry
Why didn't you come get me one last time
You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Ain't gonna let you go
You lay me down and left me for the lions
A long, long time ago
You left me there dying
But you'll never let me go
You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Ain't gonna let you go
You'll always know the reason why
The song you heard
Will stay on your mind
It ain't gonna let you go, no
'cos you were the moon
And I the endless sky
You'll alway know the reason why
Reason whay this love
Ain't gonna let you go
Ain't gonna let you go
You had the keys to the car
You had every star
Every one of them twinkling
Baby what were you twinkling
Baby what were you thinking
We had the moon and the sky above
And I gave you my love

The red ones

I had a busy day of running errands. I had a few favorite encounters throughout my day. One was stopping by this pharmacy in Sandy and seeing their boutique items they had in their store. They carry this line called "Love and Toast" which are beauty products such as lip balm, lotions and perfumes. I told my boss about it when I went into the store for an hour tonight and she was pissed! She said that pharmacy always tries to copy her store and bring in what lines she carries. Interesting.

I also got to spend the day visiting Susan at her office. I always love seeing her in her work environment because she is Queen! She is the glue of her office and she wears that crown well. Susan brought me cheese broccoli soup and allowed me to eat all of their office candy from their Halloween party on Friday. It cracked me up to see all of the red Gobstoppers pooled on her desk... she hates the red ones so she would just leave that color behind! It was good to catch up with Susan about her life and fill her in about mine.

At the end of the day, I got to turn in my substitute teaching application. There were about 10 components to the application and it felt good to get one step closer to my dream of teaching after all of that hard work. So I guess now I wait...

Until tomorrow when I work all day!

Amy xoxo

"Your Bruise"

by Death Cab for Cutie

It's a backwards attraction to your forward eyes
But you're so far-sighted that you can't place trust
In what or who you recognize
We sped the plymouth cross the banks of the mississippi river
Mary timony was smaller then a super ball...
Chitter-chatter all these secrets started giving me the shivers
Plain and simply broken down near olympia
I think your bruise was understanded,
'cause you can't feel this anymore
It's getting bluer and you can't keep faking
That you can't feel this anymore

Your hand in mine

I really was a hardcore bum today. This whole not working every day thing is not cool. You would think it's a treat, but it's a pain. The older I get, the more I realize that I function with a structured schedule with a bit of flexibility rather than working whenever between 10-7. I say flexibility because if I need to go to the post office, I want to be able to leave for 5 minutes and not have to clock out.

Sorry this post is kinda dumb (like most of them) but it's a simple update about me! I guess that's kinda why you came here right?

Something interesting about my day? I have been craving applesauce all day. I have strawberry flavored applesauce in my fridge right now...

Ah, it's so great! This coupled with some cold, filtered water is the best! I have been trying to drink more water lately and I think I am doing a pretty good job. I have a headache pretty much every day now and I think out of the many reasons of things to choose from that it has a lot to do with my water intake.

I had a really good night though. I got to hear Ally Condie of the Matched series speak about her second book, I ate dinner with Adam who said he invited himself along but we all know Adam's company is as good as or maybe even better than most people's. We understand each other on a level most people don't and I think that creates a gap in a feeling such as loneliness... even though Adam won't admit that. He doesn't have to. I guess that is the beauty of a relationship which doesn't always have to communicate in words. No matter how messed up it is.

I admit, it's going to be hard for another guy to surpass what Adam had to offer me. I admit that there is this imaginary bar and most guys don't come close to that and this is why I have trouble imagining something greater than what I feel is a very high standard. I don't believe in absolutes though. I believe in working hard and being patient. I think those two things have great outcomes with my name written all over them.

This song is kind of annoying but I think that is what is so appealing about it tonight.

I also like "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky but there are no words...

"Cat Claw"
by The Kills

It's time to stand up our fingers from the bell
Tell me sugar how you felt now
Come on sugar, tell now
Can't stand your face until it took off
I wouldn't give a f* but the love here is such a long walk
If this all goes well you won't have nothing
So tell you dead wrong, dead wrong
And now you're long gone
Hang out for minute and re-think
Question, tell me what she'd done
Just one, cause I can't see nothing

So, one, two and
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

Got my hand caught in a cat claw, scream!
On everyone's that time looks around, they're talking trees, you know
Never know who's coming, might easy be me, you know
Give up for my love, cause that's too much, fuck!

So, one, two and...
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

Oh...

It's time to stand up our fingers from the bell
Tell me sugar how you felt now
Come on sugar, tell now
Can't stand your face until it took off
I wouldn't give a fuck but the love here is such a long walk

So, one, two and...
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!

You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!
You got it, I want it!