Heart home

I worked today and in to the night but was off in record time! I met Lauren at my house and I made her a pita pizza. It's a personal pizza on pita bread and it is delish! We chatted at my house and out lives, catching each other up on things that had fallen through the cracks. Then we were off to see the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn Part 1. I have this theory and it's proven to be true for me so far. If I read a book and then watch the movie, I am left disappointed. If I watch the movie and then read the book, I am pleasantly surprised! Maybe it's because I am so detail-oriented that when the movie leaves those pieces out, I am destroyed. YES DESTROYED. lol Every girl in our group that had read Breaking Dawn was disappointed with the movie but me, I was happy!

After the movie, Lauren and I made a stop. That stop before we went home made a huge difference in my life. I don't really feel like it's something I should just blurt out on a online blog, but it created a path for me which I didn't really see as one. Timing is everything. Lauren and I stayed up until 3 am talking about it. She has the best questions and the best insight- I know I have said that before about her. She is a gem! This weekend will be great, I just know it!

Amy xoxo

"If I Ever Feel Better"
by Phoenix

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Two cookie queen

Since I broke the washer at my apartment complex last week, my laundry has been piling up! I had 6 loads to do so I woke up early this morning to go to the laundromat. I lugged all 6 loads inside and started the cleaning process. I encountered a women in her 50s and her mother doing their laundry. Due to my giant, blue IKEA bags I use for my laundry, the woman asked me if there was an IKEA close by. The tipped me off she was not from around here and I asked where she was from and what she was doing here in SL. She said her mother and her were from SoCal and were in town because her sister was in the hospital...

I had been feeling a bit down because the 6 pass along cards Jonathan gave me last week were not used at all on my SF trip (for those of you not familiar with pass along cards, they are cards that invite people to receive more information about the Gospel of Jesus Christ). I felt a little redeemed this morning because I was able to write my name and number on one of these cards and hand it to this woman. She had tears in her eyes as she accepted it and told me I was a blessing. What a way to start off my morning!

Later I went with Bob to design week here in SL. We visited various studios and chatted with the staff. There is a cool organization called Spy Hop here in downtown that interested me extremely. I have been thinking about my career in terms of Art Teacher in the public school system, but I never thought of an organization such as this! Exciting!

http://www.spyhop.org/

After the studio crawl, we walked around a new development around the 300 S and 300 W block where 2 of Adam's coworkers bought a 500 sq./ft loft. It's 2 stories and it's tiny but it's perfect for an artist!! It was nice to hear so much about the development from Bob since he knows all about architecture and the designer.

After that, Bob took me back to his house where he had been slow roasting pork for the dinner he created for me. No, he is not gay. Maybe he likes cooking? Maybe he wanted to impress me with those skills? Maybe he is an amazing anomaly of a guy? CHECK YES to every one of those- except being gay.

After dinner I showed Bob 4 books I brought over. One was a book I made where I marbled the paper on the outside. Another book was called Alyce that my sister bought for me- right Liis? Another book was a new purchase called "100 Butterflies" which I got at the SFMOMA. It's exquisite and makes me happy and want to cry at the same time-I am silly I know.

I love reading with Bob.

My heart arches for what was and what could be and those two things are the things I fight hard against every day, the past and the future. I try to live in the now first and then hope for better things and then I try to make them a reality if they really and truly will enrich my life.

Amy xoxo

"Candy"
by Paolo Nutini

I was perched outside in the pouring rain
Trying to make myself a sail
Then I'll float to you my darlin'
With the evening on my tail
Although not the most honest means of travel
It gets me there nonetheless
I'm a heartless man at worst, babe
And a helpless one at best

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy, before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh I'm often false explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although I'm left defeated
It get's held against my name
I know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I've taken quite enough
Well I'm some stain there on your bed sheet
You're my diamond in the rough

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

I know that there?re writings on the wall
But Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh I'll be there waiting for you [repeat]

Deeper

Long ago, a woman I knew asked me the question,"Do you want this? Because once you choose this path you can never go back." I looked into the heart of fear in that moment and chose to jump. My life has been full of jumps. Some necessary for my positive progression and others have been reckless. There are many times I have been reckless with my heart but I don't feel like today was one of those days. I jumped, not very far, but I jumped. I feel like I keep trying to force something which isn't there. I whisper to myself of things which I do and do not want but like Susan and Mike tell me- The heart wants what the heart wants. My heart aches.

Do I step deeper? Will I sink? I am thinking too much.

So I jump.

And I realize that I know how to fly.

I have wings.

Amy xoxo

"It Goes On And On"

by The Avett Brothers

I lost my fear in your arms
I lost my tears in your car
I lost my will in your candle lit eyes
And all my love in your yard
Baby would you leave me if you knew that I was making it up?
And underneath the love you got to wonder am I giving you up?
No way am I, it goes on.
Violent is the motion in my heart and in my body and mind.
And silent is the feeling that I lost but I'm determined to find.
And love is but an ocean, unrealistic notion, but I cling to her devotion, and I let it pull me down to the floor.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
I found my will in your car
I caught my tears in your arms
I found myself on that poor county drive
And found my love in your guard
Oh, Baby would you leave me if you knew that I was making it up?
And underneath the love you got to wonder am I giving you up?
No way am I, it goes on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.
It goes on, on, on, on.

Star-crossed lovers

I haven't started reading my new book until... TODAY! I made it to page 74! My sister and I are into Ally Condie's books from the Matched series. Crossed is book 2. So far it is my favorite of the 2. I think it's because this book deals so much with loss. I love the search.

Some of my favorite lines from Crossed so far:

"I've written so many beginnings over these months out here and yet the middle and the end of our kind of love are things I haven't seen yet for myself."

"In that moment I know that I won't tell the others. I'll do what I always do when someone trusts me with dangerous words: I'll destroy."

"There it is. The real question. The one we all ask ourselves all the time. Am I going to run? I've thought about it every day, every hour."

‎"Because in the end you can't always choose what to keep. You can only choose how you left it go."

I choose to stay this time. No running. No hiding. Confronting myself. Because that is the only person I can control. But even she is unruly sometimes.

Amy xoxo

"I And Love And You"

by The Avett Brothers

Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but it's just a waste of time
Yeah it's such a waste of time

That woman she's got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the traveler's stage
All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you

SF DAY 2, 3 & 4!

DAY 2

- Biked from downtown near Fisherman's Wharf to the Golden Gate Bridge, over it and then down into Sausalito (so tired after biking over 6 miles but it was a beautiful sunny day and nothing was going to stop us from enjoying it. Not even me biking in suede boots)

- Took the ferry from Sausalito back to SF

- Ate at The Stinking Rose (a garlic restaurant and the pork chop and lamb was excellent! I even got a Shirley Temple and it was the best one both Miguel and I have ever had before)

DAY 3

- Walked to the SFMOMA

- Cirque du Soleil's Totem

- Bourbon Steak (yes, the bill was a lot)

- Walked 2 miles in to Ghirardelli Square. Had the most amazing ice cream sundae and then walked the 2 miles back (2+2=4 miles total)

DAY 4 (today)

- Breakfast at Toast (walked 3 miles until we were fed because we went to a restaurant that claimed on its website that it was open on Mondays, but sadly it was not. Toast received all of our $)

- Walked to City Hall downtown and then to Alamo Park to see the Painted Ladies- the 7 houses from Full House.

- Alcatraz! (Listening to the 45 minute audio tour gave me chills)

- Flight home ;(I hate goodbyes)

I wish I had something profound to say about SF.

I am just glad to be back home.

Amy xoxo

"Toxic"

by Britney Spears

Baby, can’t you see
I’m calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It’s dangerous
I’m fallin’

There’s no escape
I can’t wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You’re dangerous
I’m lovin’ it

Too high
Can’t come down
Losing my head
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

It’s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly
It’s taking over me

Too high
Can’t come down
It’s in the air
And it’s all around
Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

[x2]
With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now

SF DAY 1!

I told you I would have more to post! DAY 1 IS ON!

I landed in Las Vegas for a quick layover to pick up my high school friend, Miguel. I found it fitting that while I had time, I would write a letter to my Mother. I haven't spoken to her in a while. There is no good explanation for that. I've tried to write out many but as you can see, I have deleted them all.

I wrote from my heart and it poured out onto my iphone "paper" with ease.

Hi Mom!

This morning I flew out of SL at 630am. Over and just beyond the Wasatch Mountains I was able to be a witness to the sun rising. My life has been busy lately but as I was able to experience that moment of peace which I feel frequents me more often lately I was able to think about you and Dad. How are you two doing? I miss you guys a lot and I wish I could come home. I feel a tweak of guilt in knowing I am on my way to SF and I could have used that money towards PHX instead. I enjoy seeing new places and experiencing all that that have to offer but home is really where my heart is- where the two people who created me are. I think that is something special- to have a 26 year relationship with the 3 people who matter most to me in this life (Liisa is in there too). I am so glad, honored and proud to call you my family. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for trusting my decisions and respecting them even when you haven't agreed with them. You were right- it's much better to keep a relationship with someone you love than to let their behavior you don't agree with get in the way of that. I am honored to call you my Mother and friend. I love you Mom. I would go back and proof read this email but I think I'll just start crying. Probably wouldn't be the weirdest sight in Las Vegas. I am waiting for Miguel's flight to pick me up and then we head to San Francisco! Woo hoo! We already have tickets to Alcatraz on Monday. But that is really one of the only solid things we have planned (that and I really want to see the SF Museum of Modern Art). We want to experience these next four days with a sense of adventure and openness. Thank you for being a part of my life. And remember- it's not always easy but it is always worth it!

Love Amy xoxo

Sent from my iPhone

Because sometimes, most times, always- I feel it's important to tell the people that I love that I love them. Tomorrow may never come for me or for you and what if I pass an opportunity to tell you how I feel about you? Shame on me.

After that, Miguel's plane arrived to pick me up we were off to SAN FRANCISCO! Seeing Miguel always awakens a sense of adventure inside of me. We have some great adventures together and I am glad we could take this one on together.

Here are a few things we did DAY 1:

- Lunch @ Jasper's on Taylor Street (best blue cheese burger I have tasted)

- Shopped at Urban Outfitters and Forever 21 (50% off and b1g1 free?! YES PLEASE)

- de Young Museum in the rain (opera is not for me but coloring is)

- Chinatown for dinner (not the whole community, just one place ;)

My favorite part of today was taking in the city as a whole. I got flustered at the BART ticket machine @ the SF airport and forgot my pin for my debit card... So far this city reminds me of a mini NYC.

I share my experiences with you. Why? Some are surface activities and some are intimate moments which reveal deeper. things. Inside each of us is hope. I hope to awaken that inside those who I touch. Creation first starts with hope and turns into a deeper desire. I hope...

Amy xoxo

"A Brook In The City"

by Robert Frost

The farmhouse lingers, though averse to square
With the new city street it has to wear
A number in. But what about the brook
That held the house as in an elbow-crook?
I ask as one who knew the brook, its strength
And impulse, having dipped a finger length
And made it leap my knuckle, having tossed
A flower to try its currents where they crossed.
The meadow grass could be cemented down
From growing under pavements of a town;
The apple trees be sent to hearth-stone flame.
Is water wood to serve a brook the same?
How else dispose of an immortal force
No longer needed? Staunch it at its source
With cinder loads dumped down? The brook was thrown
Deep in a sewer dungeon under stone
In fetid darkness still to live and run --
And all for nothing it had ever done
Except forget to go in fear perhaps.
No one would know except for ancient maps
That such a brook ran water. But I wonder
If from its being kept forever under,
The thoughts may not have risen that so keep
This new-built city from both work and sleep.

Committed?

Work has been great. Everything is new and fresh and wonderful. Every new job starts out that way for me... can't wait to see how I feel about this place in a few months. But for now, I am enjoying these feelings!

After work I went home to pack and do laundry. I got my one essential load completed- whites- when the washer decided to eat my money and break. So much for the four loads I thought I was going to tackle. Defeated, I gave into the tempting request of Lance to see his new place in the southeast SLC area, but only with the promise of dinner in exchange for my time since I was starving. Lance and Dagen- Dagen being one of my old friends from college and the study abroad tour I experienced- recently moved in together with their friend Nate into this sick house. I WANT TO LIVE THERE! I really should post pictures or something. But I had a great night catching up with Dagen and spending time talking to him and Lance. Dagen is wiser, more sensitive, and a pleasure to be around. Not that he was seriously lacking as a person before, but let's just say he is a little more refined :) I am glad I went. I am glad I have these friends who I can talk openly with. It's refreshing.

Can't wait to get on a plane in 5 1/2 hours :)

Now to pack...

Amy xoxo

"Back In Your Head"

by Tegan and Sara

Build a wall of books
Between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words
That I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was
So strange and likeable
I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
When I jerk away from
Holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt
Important parts of you
Remember when I was
Sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person,
Unlovable
I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little
Run, run, run Run Run, run, run
Run I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray