Sea foam

I went to work today and received a nice surprise. Adam's Mom and sister Hannah came to my work today. It's always nice to see familiar faces at work.

After work I went to see Adam play ball. I always enjoy seeing him play. Yeah it sucks to see his team lose or to see him play at a fraction of his best due to injuries, but I enjoy seeing him give it 100% effort. When Adam commits to something, he does it with full conviction.

On my way to pick up dinner at Cafe Zupa's, I spoke with my friend Chris and my sister Liisa. Sometimes I feel like I call my family too much. I know it's ok rely on them for occasional emotional support, but I feel strong enough on my own to be calling them almost every day. I need to take a step back and feel confident in my own feelings and in the decisions I am making- I don't need the approval of others. But I do enjoy talking to my friends and family about their lives and I am taking more of an interest in what other people are doing and being happy for them. Because I really am happy for other people in their successes.

Amy xoxo

"Hard Enough"
by Brandon Flowers

You let me into your life on a whim
And there was magic and fire in the night
In loving I was just a little boy
I made mistakes that caused you so much pain
All I know is that I'm older now

Some people think that it's best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned love
Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness
They tell themselves that they're too young to settle down
Girl I promise you I'm older now

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me

I wasn't looking when we built these walls
Let me spread my dreams at your feet
Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise
Before my thoughts begin to run
I think I'm getting older now

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me

Can't stand the thought of another,talking to you sweet my dear
Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me

Guns and roses

Freedom will be a day when I don't have to depend on anyone to help me pay for anything. It will be a time when I am doing something in my career field- teaching art. I appreciate my life for what it is now, that I have a job that I am good at and which appeals to me and challenges me in certain ways. I have meaningful relationships which I am patiently nuturing. The biggest thing in my life which I am practicing is patience. I know where I am, who I am, where I want to go, how to get there and what I need to do now to get there. Timing is everything.

Amy xoxo

"Patience"
by Guns 'N Roses

1,2,1,2,3,4
[whistle]
Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt
You're in my heart now

Said, woman, take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(patience)
Mm, yeah

I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love
There's one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes
To make it, We won't fake it,
I'll never break it
'cause I can't take it

[whistle]
...little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
need a little patience, yeah
just a little patience, yeah
some more patience, yeah
need some patience, yeah
could use some patience, yeah
gotta have some patience, yeah
all it takes is patience,
just a little patience
is all you need *

I BEEN WALKIN' THE STREETS AT NIGHT
JUST TRYIN' TO GET IT RIGHT
HARD TO SEE WITH SO MANY AROUND
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE
BEING STUCK IN THE CROWD
AND THE STREETS DON'T CHANGE
BUT BABY THE NAME
I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THE GAME
'CAUSE I NEED YOU
YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED YOU
OO, I NEED YOU
WHOA, I NEED YOU
OO, ALL THIS TIME **
(ah)

Sixth grade fail

Aaron. In sixth grade he wanted to be my boyfriend. He lived around the corner from me. I was reminded of him because of Serra's drama. Serra is dating and she was recently discussing with me how uncomfortable she felt around a certain guy. This is not a new topic for us. I wish Serra knew how to be more assertive. I worry she won't be able to communicate her feelings of NO and she'll be in a situation she doesn't know how to get out of. And that is why I remembered Aaron.

He took me to his house once. We went to his room. He closed the door. I didn't think much of that. He started to play Boyz II Men. Loudly. This is when he started to profess his love to me. See Amy freak out. See Amy run. Just like a Dick and Jane book. Outside I could still hear his music. His admission love echoed across the pavement. I could not wait to get home. I was seriously freaked out.

I think what most guys mistake for passion comes out as aggression. I need a guy to be assertive, not lavish and certainly not indulgent. This was an absolute fail. Maybe this is why sixth graders shouldn't date.

Amy xoxo

"On Bended Knee"
by Boyz II Men

Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll guarantee
That I'll never let you go

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

So many nights I dreamt
Holding my pillow tight
I know that I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

I'm gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirit of love
It'll heal all things
It won't hurt any more
No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they used to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

Wanna build a new life
Just you and me
Gonna make you my wife
Raise a family

I know I'm awake but it feels like I'm in a dream

I visited with Susan and Mike tonight. It felt like old times. I miss visiting with them.

I spoke with my Dad on the phone for a while. He is my hero and anytime I get to talk with him it's a treat and I treat that moment like it could be our last.

I value my relationships.

After all of my conversations, I hung out with Sean and Adam. I wish Sean lived in Utah for a few reasons. Most are selfish. Sean is a big Adamy supporter. Sean is a great advice-giver and listener. But more than anything, Sean allows me to move beyond my own perspective.

I have a lot of supporters I know this. I never feel alone.

Amy xoxo

"Love You Like A Love Song"

By Selena Gomez

[Verse 1]
It's been said and done
Every beautiful thought's been already sung
And I guess right now here's another one
So your melody will play on and on, with the best of 'em
You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible
A centerfold miracle, lyrical
You've saved my life again
And I want you to know baby

[Chorus]
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

[Verse 2]
Constantly, boy you played through my mind like a symphony
There's no way to describe what you do to me
You just do to me, what you do
And it feels like I've been rescued
I've been set free
I am hypnotized by your destiny
You are magical, lyrical, beautiful
You are... And I want you to know baby

[Chorus]
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

[Bridge]
No one compares
You stand alone, to every record I own
Music to my heart that's what you are
A song that goes on and on

[Chorus]
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby

I love you...like a love song...

Desert ride

I'm feeling quite nostalgic lately. I feel like one piece of writing is inadequate to contain the full story of who Eddie Brown was to me. This post will be about a moment I spent with the infamous Eddie Brown. At such a young age I had such a strong connection with him. One time in Phoenix, Eddie and I took Rachel and Chris' car out for a drive. I remember it distinctly. A BMW with a sunroof. The air was chilly outside but inside Eddie turned the heat up in the car and opened the sunroof to expose to open sky dotted with stars. Out in the desert, away from the city, you can see the most beautiful stars. The open desert, surrounded only by brush and heat, makes most things more beautiful. I loved feeling the heater spew out the warm air all around me with the top open. It was my first time drinking a Starbucks' drink. Apple Caramel Cider. Oh wow. That was a great night.

Amy xoxo

"Runaway Lover"
By Madonna

You lost your reputation on a woman
You didn't understand or care to know
You get your education from your lovers
But now there's just no place for you to go

It doesn't pay
To be a runaway lover
It doesn't pay
To give away what you lack
You'll never get your money back

You're set adrift with no direction
Just like a ship that's lost at sea
You don't care where you drop your anchor
Make sure it doesn't land on me

It doesn't pay
To be a runaway lover
It doesn't pay
To give away what you lack
You'll never get your money back

Walking around on a cloud
Cause every girl you meet just trips on you
Saying your name out loud
I guess you met your match
Now what will you do

It doesn't pay
To be a runaway lover
It doesn't pay
To give away what you lack
You'll never get your money back

Hungry runner girl

Every once in a while there comes a day when one of two things happens; either it is a day not worth mentioning or it is an extraordinary day but it is too precious to mention in a public forum such as this. Most of the time my days manage somewhere in between but today is one of the former. Because of this fact I will revert this post to something I have been wanting to share with you. It may be a bit scandalous to share, think and feel on my part but I am willing to be open with you. Besides, I don't think the players will mind that much given our circumstances now and we all know what I have to say is the truth.

In October, my friends Steph, Rach and I went out to eat at a place called Nachos Libre. The chips are deliciously homemade. On our ride there together, Steph and Rach pressed me about my relationship with Jack- but to be clear it was all harmless girl talk. Steph boldly asked me, "Is Jack a rebound from Adam?" I was surprised Steph would be so assertive but I was refreshed to hear an honest question- not because it was surprising to hear honesty coming from Stephanie but because girls in general are such snakes! I felt like as my friend she deserved an honest answer but she also deserved the truth because of her boldness. I told her, "No, Jack was not a rebound because if anyone was a classic rebound, that title would have gone to Lance or even Ryan because they were guys I dated even before Jack. And this is only my opinion so maybe Jack is a rebound, but I really don't feel that way nor do I think so."

At the time I didn't realize the irony of that question in that car ride and at the dinner table. Last week while I was in Sandy taking care of Snickers, I had a revelation in the comfort of my warm shower... do you ever do some of your best thinking in your shower? That was not my revelation- this was...

Before Jack, before Lance, and before Ryan there was one rebound to rule them all. Stephanie and Rachel were my rebound girls. Running with them was the best outlet for me after my break-up with Adam. I thought our friendship would last but sadly, it did not. Maybe they see it differently, but I felt like I was putting in the effort to a one sided relationship. That and I feel like Stephanie saw me happy with Jack and wanted that for herself. I wish nothing but happiness for Stephanie when it comes to love. Sometimes relationships don't work out simply because they are not meant to be. Steph and Rach gave me what I needed in a very difficult time and I am so grateful to them for that. My life is a bit emptier without my girlfriends but I can't make someone want to spend time with me who doesn't feel like putting in that kind of effort. Time to move on. I'm cleaning house in so many ways.

Amy xoxo

"Break The Spell"
By Daughtry

Like a moth into a flame,
I'm hypnotized,
And like a stone,
I'm paralyzed cause I can't look away,

You found your way under my skin,
And I'm tryin' not to love you,
But I hate the way I keep on givin'

Into you, like I always do,
No matter how I try,
Or maybe could it be,
That you're the part of me,
That's keeping me alive?

How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under,
I'm so addicted to the pain,
Got your poison running through my veins,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without you,

I could fight you 'til the end,
But I will lose you if I win,
So I guess I'll just keep on givin'

Into you, like I always do,
No matter how I try,
Or maybe could it be,
That you're the part of me,
That's keeping me alive?

How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under,
I'm so addicted to the pain,
Got your poison running through my veins,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without you,

This feeling is far from sober,
Its beauty buried deep inside,
You're the only one who gets me high,
And I know it's far from over,

As you can see you're the part of me,
That's keeping me alive

How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under,
I'm so addicted to the pain,
Got your poison running through my veins,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without,

The way you pull me in,
The way you chew me up,
The way you spit me out,
I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without,

I keep coming back, I can't get enough,
I can't go without, you.

A girl to break the spell

Hello my sweets! What did you do to celebrate the New Year? Do you believe in making resolutions?

I believe making resolutions is not something we can see in black and white. We set up a goal and if we fail we are losers. No, that's not it. First of all, it's ok to set goals anytime. Second, it's ok to fail. Sometimes we are afraid to fail. Failing does not translate into loser status simultaneously. For me, my art has taught me a lot about failing and perfection. Some of my most beautiful mistakes have been my greatest accomplishments. I believe we should embrace the fear of failing with open hearts to allow ourselves the room to make mistakes.

My goals for this year? Serve a mission or get into graduate school. I think those are two worthy pursuits. Another goal I have is to start making more stuff! I want to open my own Etsy shop. I don't want serving a mission to hold me back from that so I think I'll just open a store and see where it takes me. Another goal I have is to stop drinking so much soda. I love Dr. Pepper and he loves me but this relationship is toxic. And last of all, I think I'll continue to be happy, assertive me. Yes, that sounds right :)

Amy xoxo

"Only You Can Make You Happy"
by Au Reviour Simone

Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh

Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh
Only you can make you happy, oh (la la la la la la la la)
Only you can make you happy, oh (la la la la la la la la)

(la la la la la la la la)
(na na na na na na na na)

(na na na na na, oh, oh, oh)