He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part one

Hey, guess what I found? Something juicy for you, painful but liberating for me! What could it be? A note... I write this now because I can. Whenever I think that maybe my writing won't help anyone, I think again. Because what if... it does?

***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***

Monday, September 14th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,


I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-

Amy

A look at more to come...

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,


No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,


Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...


Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.

Amy xoxo

I am happy for you

Really <3

Mother and Daughter

One of Adam's best friends is JR. He met JR on his mission but they should have met much earlier than that. They both graduated from the same high school, the same year and didn't know each other. They are very different, but their common thread is the gospel which brought them together. We had the opportunity to visit JR and his beautiful wife Whitney in San Diego for my birthday last year. We had an amazing time in the pleasant San Diego weather seeing all of the sights and spending time with friends. This past Sunday, JR's little sister Ali was able to give her mission homecoming talk. She served in the Washington DC North mission which also includes being a missionary at the temple visitor's center. She shared some great stories and facts about her mission, but more than anything the presence of the Spirit was strong there. It was during this talk that I noticed the family sitting not too far in front of us. The mother was attractive, in her 30s and had brown hair. The daughter had a short blonde bob and a precociousness about her. These two likenesses reminded me of my Mother and me. I saw the mother stroking her daughter's hair. In and out her fingers went from back to front through the short blonde locks. I was transported to a past world where I was 6 again. My mother would stroke my hair at church and she often scratched my back. Sometimes I would be afraid to move because I didn't want it to end. It didn't matter how uncomfortable my position was, I was feeling much more pleasure from my mother's hands across my back or in my hair. I felt a connection with this family. Then my perspective changed when I saw the rest of the family- something I had failed to see before. This young girl had younger sisters. A mini-me version of her and a younger baby sister. She cooed in her baby sister's face until she would get the desired reaction of a smile or a laugh. I too felt that kind of love from my sister. She was always showing me love. I thought about how it was Mother's day and I felt happy to have my Mother but I also felt sad for others who I knew didn't have theirs. I thought deeply about the people in my life who have been mothers to me. This experience allowed me to reflect about the woman who have shapped me. I thought about Gladys, my mother and I thought about Cindy, my second mom. But mostly, I thought about my sister. Most of the ways my Mother has shapped me came early on in my life and I cannot remember, but I can thank her for who I am today for she set me on a righteous path. I do remember many experiences I shared with my sister. When people like my Mom or Cindy were absent from my life due to illness or distance, my sister was there. She didn't always like to be around me because let's face it, I am younger and more annoying, but she was always there. When my sister left for college, it killed me to know she was far away having such life changing experiences without me. It wasn't because I was jealous, it was because I missed her. I was having my own high school experiences, but college was so much more grown up. It seemed more permanent. Maybe I felt like I would never be able to bridge the miles between us again. But that time away from my sister allowed me to step out of her protection and into a deeper relationship with my mother. I know that sounds funny, like my Mom wasn't there to guide and protect me, she was, just in a different way. This time between just my Mother and me allowed us to step into a more mature relationship and I believe it is what allowed us to become friends. And the time spent away from my sister allowed me to appreciate my relationship with her a lot more. I knew what I was missing. Now, miles constantly separate us. It doesn't bother me anymore. I know that love transcends all obstacles. Our hearts beat with the same blood. We all come from the same source. And when I feel that desperate ache to see their faces, I look in the mirror and see their love reflecting. Amy xoxo

Stamping Up

"And on this very large estate lived a small girl. And life was pleasant there and very, very simple. But, then one day, the girl grew up and went beyond the walls of the grounds and found the world."

And today that girl is me and I am her. It feels scary to be an adult, responsibilities and all. But I am so happy that a little tear came to my eye. I opened my own Etsy store today! My profile name is Amy Sarene and my shop name is From: Francis and Evelyn. Those are my parent's middle names. Adam thought of the 'from' part because I am their literal offspring. It's was also fun to expand on that more and use that as a springboard for my theme. My shop will have a vintage stamp/letter/postcard theme. The theme echoes back to my love of stamps. My interest was first piqued when my Father showed me his stamp collection, I believe when I was a teenager. I didn't think too much about it then. In 2007, I had the privilege of living in Virginia during the 400th anniversary of Jamestown. My family came out from Phoenix and we went to the historical sites together. It was one of our best family trips. I bought some Jamestown stamps as souvenirs, not thinking much about them. It was the popular choice- I think Liisa and my Mom were buying some too. I am glad I listened to them! I have learned they are usually always right ;) So I bought the stamps. Then, a few years ago, I asked my Dad about his stamp collection. I think it came to my mind because of my divorce. My ex husband was a pretty crappy Priesthood holder, and I often thought about my Father during my marriage. My Dad was a sort of gauge for me because he treated my Mother and my sister and I so well. So needless to say, growing up and still to this day, I look up to my Father. I respect him and love him so much. I think I wanted to have a piece of him, a way of connecting with him after he left this earth. Even thought I haven't touched the stamp collection much, I keep it safe. I know one day I will be ready to dive into that project and start the process of becoming a stamp collector. For now, I have my Dad and my whole family. That's what matters to me. Living in the now.

And please don't judge me. I woke up at 4am this morning. I am sure there are hideous typos. And let's face it- any 6th grade child who spells 'solve' wrong is bound to get a few words wrong.

Amy xoxo

My past is where I come from and my future is where I am going

In order to know me, you must know my parents.
My Dad, the genius. His whit is charming and always makes me laugh- even when no one else thinks he's funny. I do. He is calm on the outside and a ticking clock on the inside. My Mom, the go-getter. She is always right, always dreaming, always accomplishing. She cries to know her daughters are happy and weeps when they are not.
My past does not dictate who I am today but it does define much of who I am. I am grateful for all of my struggles for I do not wish to be that naive girl anymore. I relish in those struggles because I view them as triumphs. I am ready to tell my story. The fear I once had talking about my story isn't fear anymore, it's a feeling of freedom- of letting go. I am inching along another cliff. This one is the highest one I've climbed before. It's when I took a leap into the rabbit hole. It's like lighting a candle. You're playing with fire but in the end, you know your candle will be lit. You will light that wick even if it's a stub! You must. You did. And no one can blow out your fire.

Amy xoxo

A bowling ball

A few months ago I started having dreams about a baby. I didn't tell anyone at first because they weren't frequent and well, I am 27 and not married- these dreams couldn't possibly be about MY future child. I instantly knew it was about my sister. I was sure of it then. I went to the temple last month and had a unique experience there. I vaguely expressed what had happened to Adam because the experience was so foreign and abstract to me. Not that babies are necessarily foreign, they are a little, but I mean to say that the experience in that moment in the temple was very abstract and wasn't clearly expressed to me so how could I in turn express that experience to another? I don't think I was necessarily meant to. But again, I felt like something was whispering to me of a future child to come into my life. I immediately thought of my sister.

The idea of me having children is always something I have suppressed in order to pursue other things. Not to say having children is not a worthy goal- something I know I will be able to achieve in this life or the next and I will be joyed! Of course I want to be a mother, I have never seen my life deviating from that course. But I always pictured myself having kids later on in life. And I was right! Let's face it, I'm not having a kid when I'm 27- it could be possible at age 28. By my standards, I am feeling great about where I am at as far as my age and not having kids quite yet.

I had another baby dream last night. I was at the SLC airport but in the parking garage under The Gateway mall. Every turn into another row of parking revealed a black sign with white writing above the row of vehicles. Every turn of my vehicle (I was in a truck) revealed my last name with the number two next to it. It was like crossing a cattle guard and having the sign reveal how many people in the vehicle there were. Two. But there was only me? I remember parking and exiting and my Mom came to me. She put both of her hands on my belly. I looked down and saw I was extremely pregnant. But it took my Mother acknowledging my status to clue me in to this fact. Two.

Amy xoxo

Local collector

You have no idea how many started posts I have in my queue waited to be posted... a lot. For a time I needed to stay inside myself. The only person I can work on is myself but I still hope I can inspire others with my experiences. Yes, it may be true that each of us have a distorted image of ourselves- we think our lives are more interesting than they really are. Everyone has an opinion and that's what makes this world so great- that we all have our agency to think, feel and act how we want to. But that's what I am doing now, writing because I would rather act than be acted upon. I feel what I share may not be important 100% of the time, but 5% is good enough for me. And really, why do some of us keep personal journals? Sometimes it's not for anyone else to see. Sometimes we just need to write.

The sound of crunching rocks beneath my Dad's feet has been a sound I've come to recognize since I was little. Every morning without fail, my Father would get out of bed at an awful hour of the morning to deliver newspapers. His footsteps would sound as he walked across the rocks... A handful of times I thought it would be fun to go to work with him... you can imagine how disappointed I was at my discovery that a paper-route wasn't fun. More than that disappointment, that was when I started to discover just how much my Father sacrificed for our family- for me. To this day his lack of sleep all of those years has stolen valuable pieces of him which he cannot get back. It's a reminder to me every time he forgets something or has trouble putting a simple sentence together. My Father is a genius. I can only imagine his frustration with himself now in his older years. But to me, he will always be my hero.

I was recently reminded of his sacrifice by the sound of crunching rocks underneath our feet together. It was our last walk together and coincidentally, it was the last few minutes of our walk on our way home. I never feel like Phoenix is my home anymore, but my home is where my family is. That is where I feel like myself- that is where I feel like a whole person more than ever. And as nice as it is to walk with my family beside me, they have all given me the strength to go on by myself.

I know I have posted this before, but it is one of my favorite pieces:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

"The Road Not Taken"

Amy xoxo