Neon Hope

As I was turning the pages of my sketchbook with my Mother this weekend, I noticed a quote I had written in a curious manner. It was written parallel with the spine of my book as to call attention to it because it is one of my favorite quotes ever:

 "...I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces -- my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful..."

Elizabeth Edwards December 6, 2010
Died December 7, 2010

I love being close to my family. I appreciate their wisdom, but mostly I appreciate their love.

What do you hope for? Do you believe it's silly to hope or do you feel it's an important aspect of everyday life?

I always hope that my family is happy and safe.
I hope for happiness in my own life.
I think about all of my friends who may be struggling and I hope that their desires may be fulfilled.
And then I do something about it.

It is not enough for me to simply hope.
To me, hope is tied directly to faith and I have learned that faith is an action.
Hope coupled with an action leads to miracles and blessings.
And I love me some blessings.

I hope your desires may be fulfilled. Do not wait for your life to get better. No matter the task, we are all capable of hoping and improving our own lives to some degree. Do not be too hard on yourself but do challenge yourself. We all have room to grow.

What will you hope for?

Amy xoxo

Be Brave She Said

Naivety. Indulgence in thoughts that he would come for me. It didn't matter who I was with, he would be the one to pull me away. He always had that affect on me. For years the thought of what we could be because we never truly were, haunted me. I wanted our constantly diverging paths to become one. Our itineraries would sometimes include the same destinations yet in those moments I never felt more distance between us. What created this gap? Certainly it was my ignorance which perpetuated it. Letters written but never sent, phone numbers dialed but never followed by the complete call button. Cowardly nonactions allowing my life to be acted upon.
On Sunday, I spoke with Nancy Gleue for those of you who know her. Bravery was the topic. She is half a century now and said that is one piece of advice she would recommend to us younger ones- be brave.
Taking risks relies heavily on the release of fear. I used to take many risks, just not in productive ways. My productivity has gone up in the past couple of years. I no longer run in circles afraid of the unknown. There is fear in letting go. Sometimes the braver option is to relinquish. That action used to make me feel anxious and even like I was doing something wrong. But the truth is, I moved on a long time ago. It may have taken some time to recognize the shift, but I arrived at one of the correct conclusions. There were many paths I could have chosen and the one I chose wasn't him.  I decided to save myself and stop waiting. I decided to stop delaying my happiness based on past memories. I live in the now.
Amy xoxo
"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” ― William Jennings Bryan

Peaceful Hand

March 2011
"I know that for me, Adam brings me a sense of peace..."
This Sunday, Adam and I drove by the Iceburg in South Salt Lake. He said, do you remember  last time we were here? We sat in the parking lot talking about our relationship. I asked if you had to describe our relationship in one word what would you say? You answered peaceful.
I am grateful for the peace and the assurance that I will receive that peace in my life daily. There have been times I wasn't sure I would wake up to see the next day. Chaotic.
I specifically remember my Father saying to me beginning of 2010, watch the hand of the Lord withdraw from you as you make decisions which are contrary to his plan.
I don't worry about the Lord's hand withdrawing from my life anymore. It is my daily choice to hold it which strengthens and enables me.

Amy xoxo

I Must Create It

Written Friday, October 26, 2012

My last day at work. It was a weird day. I am glad to be my own boss now and pursue my own interests. I came home and started moving my room around and going through my closet. I moved my bed (it's on wheels) and one of the wheels snapped and now it's broken. I stood there in the middle of my torn up room, looked at my broken 3 wheeled bed and wanted so deeply to cry. I wanted to cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  I stood there, tears welling in my eyes and none would fall. I still haven't given myself permission to cry. In moments of surprise and despair I do give myself the courtesy of a few tears but I feel absolutely weak in those subtle breakdowns. I need to give myself permission to feel again. It's only human to feel something- ANYTHING. And I know I do feel but it would be a sweet release to cry again because that would mean I am free from what is really holding me back there.
For now, I am glad to start on another one of my great adventures. Change is a good thing and I am determined to put my talents to good use.
Back sometime around February of 2010, I met with my friends Lance and Dagen at Cannella's. Fitting because that's where my sister and I would spend some of our summer nights eating out with Cindy and John. Lance and Dagen didn't know then how much their words impacted me. I listened to everything they had to say and I knew then that I would make a position for myself. I mean that in so many ways. Now is my time to create my dream position for myself. I can do whatever I want with my time. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it finally feels good to taste it in such length.

Amy xoxo

Be the Change

I know what it's like to have a past. Sometimes I look ahead and see how easy my path will be now that I have had to endure hard things all before I was even 25. I don't often find myself feeling badly about the life I once had because it has given me the one I have now. When I do feel pain from my past, I have found that it is best to tell myself, "That is an old story". I recognize what I am feeling so that I feel validated, but then I can move on. I do move on.
I wasn't planning on telling you this story again, but I feel like it's an important one. I have found that I give purpose to things and even to people when I genuinely take an interest in them.
When I was in my early tweens, I had a cat named Claira. Everyone in my family thought of her as a brat cat. She would hiss and scratch at anyone in her way. I made a conscious decision to go out of my way to be nice to her- even when she was behaving badly. She would glare at me if I got in her path or even near her but I took the challenge and would get down on her level and cuddle up close to her. She bit me and clawed me a few times but eventually she knew that I was never giving up and I would never leave her. I would always be there to give her love. We became best friends. There would be times that I was uncomfortable in my current position in my bed but I wouldn't budge because I didn't want to disrupt Claira, silly I know.
The point I am trying to make is that it doesn't matter what you find important, just find something. I may love butterflies and you may see no point in studying or even looking at them. I can tell you that one of the most important investments with our time involve people. There are people who may even resist our love but that doesn't mean they don't deserve it. If you feel like you aren't getting through to someone, stop trying to solve your own agenda and start helping them with theirs.
I don't know about you, but it's always easier for me to connect with someone when I see just how transparent they are. I thrive on honesty and consideration. And that is your challenge this week- determine who in your life needs the most love. Be a mirror and think and act truthfully so that others may feel safe to do the same.

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


Amy xoxo

Brick by Brick

"I like your hair."
"I like your face."

This was how my conversation started with Aleeha. Obviously that is exactly how to spell her name because I am an expert name-speller-outter.

Adam and I took a concealed firearm class in order to get our permit a few weeks ago. After, we went to one of the best burger places ever- Smashburger. They have these Rosemary fries... oh, and the caramel shake... yum!
I went to the restroom before our food arrived and there she was- Aleeha- waiting in line to enter the restroom. Instead of an awkward silence between us, she took the initiative and broke the distance separating us as stranger and acquaintance.

Aleeha: I like your hair. (I have red hair and yes, it is really cool)
Amy: I like your face. (Because her face was painted like a butterfly, not because I am rude)
Aleeha: My name is Aleeha, what's yours?
Amy: Amy. Aleeha, that is a very pretty name. So where did you get your butterfly painted at? I love butterflies.
Aleeha: Thank you! I got it at the Autism Speaks event. I have Autism, that's why I went.
Amy: Oh! Well it looks like you had a lot of fun.
Aleeha: Yeah! I did. They had a bouncy castle and contests with prizes. I won a lot of the contests because I am good. See? (She holds up her medal to me which is around her neck)
Amy: So cool! Good job! (Door opens to the restroom)
Aleeha: Well, it was really nice to meet you Amy.
Amy: It was nice to meet you too Aleeha.

And for that moment, I felt like she was one of the truest friends I have ever had. Honest, pure and attentive- all of the things I look for in friends but not surprisingly find lacking most of the time.

I know if you want something, first you have to give it. If I expect honesty and truth from others, that is what I must live fully.
So here are a few things I've been holding back on a bit-

I don't just talk about Jesus, I actually study and apply what he teaches into my own life. I don't worry about others excessively or to the point where I try to intervene when I am not wanted- only when it is a dangerous situation where abuse is involved or implied.

I hate being forgotten. Do you ever feel that way? And I'm sure I've made people feel this way before and I am sorry. Maybe I didn't call you when I said I would. Maybe I promised you I would hang out with you and I didn't. Again, I'm sorry. Or maybe you are sitting there saying, you just don't talk to me anymore so surely you have forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten you. With that said know this: many of the actions of others have nothing to do with us personally. This is something I am learning. But sometimes it still hurts.

The source of my strength comes from the pain I have endured. Like a Phoenix, I have learned that is where my greatest growth has come from- the source and then the journey. Some self-induced pain? Absolutely. I learn best from personal experience. But I don't know anyone who ever asks to be abused. What is done is done, choices and all. The person I am now has come from many choices and I wouldn't take away any personal ones. With this pain, I have helped others and if that is all that I ever do, then I will be a great person. I'm working on it.

Amy xoxo

Marley!

My roommate and I have a new addition! Her name is Marley. She's about 9 weeks old in these photos. She is feisty, playful and a joy to have in our apartment. Here are a few pictures of her and what I have been up to including getting my room cleaned, hanging photos, posters, etc. and making Marley a kitty home!

Amy xoxo