September 30th

September is a special month for me. It marks the start of my favorite season and times in my life where I felt a rebirth. I had a rebirth in 2009 escaping Tyson in a very physical awakening and again in 2010 when I had a spiritual awakening and came back to church 100%. This year in September marks a special time because I found out the why of my life. There are many questions but I feel like there are a lot of answers if I am willing to do the work in order to find them and understand the why behind them.

Amy xoxo

"Guns And Horses"

by Ellie Goulding

You're so quiet
But it doesn't phase me
You're on time
You move so fast, makes me feel lazy

And let's join forces
We've got our guns and horses
I know you've been burned by every fire is a lesson learned

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You're so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would

Let's tie words
'Cause they amount to nothing
Play it down
Pretend you can't take what you've found
But you found me
On a screen you sit permanently

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You're so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would

It's time to come clean
And make sense of everything
It's time that we found out who we are
Cause when I'm standing here in the dark
I see your face in every star

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would
I'd do it all for you, I would

Ps Everything I have done has been worth it

Karma Police

http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20489435,00.html?stitched#20951185

I remember when Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise split. I remember hearing that Nicole was devestated but despite being an emotional wreck inside, she produced what I think is one of her best pieces- Moulin Rouge. She was said to have great courage and an aura about her on and off the screen at that time. I want to tap into that power.

Look at her now- I am sure at the time when she was heartbroken she wasn't thinking, I am going to have a great life with someone else but it happened. Sometimes life grants us blessings we cannot imagine we deserve.

I put in my two weeks at work today. I can't sum up 1 1/2 years of my meaningless, degrading job into a paragraph. Most people don't understand the way I feel about my job and that is ok. I had to do what was best for me. I am trying to move this feeling or nervousness into excitement for the new opportunities which I now have. Most people have called me brave and courageous but I feel small and lost. I wish I could do more with myself and make myself into something truly amazing. I guess this is my chance.

I went to the SLC Temple grounds to read my scriptures. I didn't intend to stay for over 2 hours. One of my favorite things I saw was a girl with blue hair who threw a coin into a fountain. She had a puzzled, but determined look on her face as the coin slipped past her fingers into the water. It looked as though she had the faith necessary to make things come to pass in her life. She left in the same determined way that her face had presented itself to me.

I know I will be ok. I know there are people who love me. For some reason this has to be a struggle to find myself on my own no matter how much I want you there holding my hand and helping me.

Amy xoxo

"Mysteries"
by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

My arms are all twisted,
the only thing I miss is
I messed up, I missed it,
I messed up the missing of you

It’s getting to sound
like they've seen you around
with her

No mystery
No mystery
No mysteries

Everyone knows
the secretest code of mine
They’ll tell all my friends
and they’ll tell all my enemies too

Mystery
No mysteries
No mysteries

No mystery
No mystery
No mysteries

Take it away, Nick!

I don’t even know what it's like
not to go back to you
I don’t even know
who I like less,
You or me
You or me
You or me, oooh

Well it’s anyone’s, anyone’s guess…
It’s anyone’s, anyone’s guess…
Stress, stress
Stress, stress
Stress, stress
Stress, stress
Stress

Ps I believe I will find where my perceptions and possible solutions align with God's will this weekend at Conference

The best you can is good enough

This photo is an answer to your question, yes I am proud of my Trax ticket. I figured out why I have never taken Trax and it's because I was saving my first ride for something great. Kinda romantical and silly but honest. Trax did not disappoint me like a blind date gone bad- it met my expectations which is a strong finish to an ever growing anticipation. Jonathan, Dave, Katie, Jack and I rode Trax from SLC to Sandy to hit up the Real game. While the game was intense and not entertaining by the comfortable sense of the word, I had a great time with my friends and that is what I took comfort in. Afterwards, we hit up the Ritz for bowling where I spanked everyone- 128. Then the second game took a turn for the worst and I ended up with the lowest score- 83. That score was not good for my average and I am afraid to see Jonathan's chart for me (remember the picture from last week?).

I write about my happiness every week and sometimes everyday. The conclusion I have drawn is that I cannot convince anyone else of my happiness- I just have to live it. I am just glad I get to share it with you.

Amy xoxo

"Lights"
by Ellie Goulding

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home

Yeah, hee

Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights

Ps Trax expanded my perceptions of the city and the people who live here. I will never get over how beautiful it is here.

Prove Yourself

Fight Club. Once you watch, you cannot help but be changed but it's destructive beauty and powerful poison. It made me think, if I were to die today what would my legacy be? Probably a coveted frog painting I know some of you are lusting after :) But more than material things, I hope I would leave with you a love of life. The love I have can be described as zesty, potent, dynamic, flowing, optimistic and passionate.

In the movie, Edward Norton beats up a kid named Angel Face and explains his actions by saying, "I felt like destroying something beautiful." I think we sabotage our own lives by thinking we are not worthy of happiness- we destroy something which is good. Or maybe we take a more logical approach or too much of an emotional approach when it comes to managing our lives. Yes, I believe Tyler in the movie when he says, "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." We need to accept on some real, deep and meaning level that we are going to die- in fact we are dying everyday. It's up to us to make the most of our time by maximizing our happiness now- not by waiting around for it to happen to us. We create our own happiness.

Sometimes we rely on the experiences of others to determine how we will live our lives or even make some important choices and that I believe is what stunts our growth. It's like looking through a kaleidoscope and never being able to touch the pieces for yourself- I would much rather tediously build my stained glass window out of those tiny bits for years with my fingers bloody from the continued work and know that that work was mine. There are no rules to love- we make our own within the boundaries God has set.

Don't analyze the past and consider if it was wrong or if it was right. We knew it was right, we did it and it worked at the time. Just because it doesn't work now doesn't mean it won't work in the future. Don't second guess, stop becoming numb to love, let go and move on. We cannot be what once was, we can only become something greater.

Amy xoxo

"What You Know"
by Two Door Cinema Club

In a few weeks I will get time
To realise it's right before my eyes
And I can take it if it's what I want to do

I am leaving, this is starting to feel like
It's right before my eyes
And I can taste it, it's my sweet beginning

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time,
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

Maybe next year I'll have no time
To think about the questions to address
Am I the one to try to stop the fire?

I wouldn't test you, I'm not the best you could have attained
Why try anything?
I will get there, just remember I know

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

And I can tell just what you want
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone

And I can't say it's what you know
But you've known it the whole time
Yeah, you've known it the whole time

Ps What are you fighting for? Better yet, what are you living for?

Jigsaw Falling

Let's start out with some prettiness since that's what I need in my life right now.

Kelly Osbourne and Lourdes Leon
http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20530018_21057037,00.html

As you know I love fashion.

Loved this picture from failblog! Bambi is out for revenge!

I met with my Bishop on Sunday to talk about a timeline for serving a mission. My Bishop didn't want to get that far ahead yet because he wanted to make sure I really felt like I was getting the answer from my Heavenly Father to go. I told him I knew this what the path I was supposed to be on right now but it wasn't until today that I had an epiphany about that path. I told Adam and Lauren, "I had this incredible realization- life is about the journey right? I've been looking at this whole mission thing as a destination to get to- not as a journey."

And Lauren, being incredibly wise in her questions, asked me "So what will the difference be then if you view it as a journey?" And without hesitation I answered, "The ability to change course."

You see, my Bishop asked me to keep the possibility of marriage open. I cannot deny that would be an amazing adventure as well. I think a mission or marriage would be an amazing blessing in my life. I guess I wait and be patient with myself and the process that my continued striving for growth will allow me blessings and opportunities which I never dreamed and saw possible. Of course I must be open to those new paths and that's what Bishop was saying to me. That or I take a machete and hack my way through the jungle? Hmm ;)

Today I tried to enjoy the moments I had- every. single. one. Even when I was scared tonight because of a man who approached my door uninvited, I cried and realized that this is a mere moment- no, crying will not help and yes, I will be fine. I recognize every experience I have as a learning oppotunity. I no longer feel stunted because I am able to handle my life in my own hands. My problems are putty and I am the master artist.
2 Corinthians 12:9, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Amy xoxo

"It's All Your Fault"
by Pink

I'd conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid

Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind (yeah)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

Da da dada da dada da
Da dadadadadada da dadadadadada

I'm trying to figure out what else to say (what else could I say?)
To make you turn around and come back this way
(Would you just come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind cause it's now or never (oh)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could
Feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold (I hold) my breath (my breath)
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air (running out of air)
And it's not fair

(Oh yeah
It's all your fault)

I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not (it's not) fair

Ps The older I become the more I realize the less I know

Masked Venice

These are some photos I didn't post earlier from out ward party last week.

Clouds swirling around the mountains in the Millcreek area.

The homes were picturesque here.

Ronan took a picture of me in my finest moment.

Me and Rachel

A couple in our ward. This photo screams, hold my hand already!
I don't understand why some people cannot show affection in public. When I was dating someone in college, I didn't want it to appear to others that I was taken by holding his hand in public. In the end I think that was a childish way to go about my relationship. So from my experience, not showing affection in public has a negative memory associated with it. I was naive and immature in college and I really didn't know how relationships worked back then! Mutual trust, respect and honoring someone when you are in that beautiful moment with them.
But the world is not acting out one of my contrived romance novels and neither should I.

Amy xoxo

I wanted to post the song "Trojans" by Atlas Genius but I can't find the lyrics anywhere except for these lines: Write a song / make a note / for the lump that sits inside your throat / change the locks / change the scene / change it all but can’t change what we’ve been.

Listen to the song here: http://indie.thekollection.com/trojans-atlas-genius/

Ps I love attending art shows, they make me happy.

Without the walls

I believe photography is one of the hardest forms of art. With other mediums such as paint, you are able to manipulate the paint any way you want to form whatever object you desire. With photography, the subject matter is laid out before you- the trick is in manipulating those objects in an arrangement which accurately communicates your perspective.

West Temple and 600 South looking southeast

I love the transparency in my right lens and how you can see the Grand America Hotel in the background.

Stephanie invited me to her Book of Mormon challenge. We will be reading 8.5 pages a day to complete the BoM by Thanksgiving. I am excited to start this journey with some of my best friends like Stephanie, Julee, Lauren and Jack.
I was reading 1 Nephi 1:20 when I came across this, "...But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." I don't know why, I just liked these words spoken by Nephi. This time around I feel like I am gaining a new thirst for the knowledge in the scriptures. I feel more open, more forgiving, more assertive, and more passionate. I can't wait to see what I take away from this experience!

Amy xoxo

"Rolling In The Deep"

by Adele

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in time and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

Ps I would love to develop my photography skills