The Placeholder

I am too valuable to be a placeholder. Waiting in line without an end in sight is not my purpose. Patience is something of unlimited value but being a placeholder- a benchwarmer so to speak means that I am not out in the action progressing towards my ultimate goals. I will not allow my talents to go untapped.

After my weekend full of meeting new, exciting, and cultured people I realized that I too want to be confident in my own formed opinions.

I think television sucks and I don't know why people like spending so much of their time wasting it by watching CRAP! Seriously, I hate it. I would much rather read a good book, help a friend with a problem, or look at an interesting photograph rather than watch a show for 30 minutes which does nothing for my mind. I can understand some television programs, even South Park sometimes. Does that mean I watch it religiously? No. How do so many people have so much time to follow and watch 5 or more shows a week? I really don't get it. How is that for an opinion on something I feel passionately about? Am I better than anyone else who watches 5 shows a week? Absolutely not. Why? Because I didn't shower until 5:30 this evening. I am truly a bum in a lot of ways as well.

My Halloween was great! I spent it getting to know new people and hanging out with old friends.

Amy xoxo

"Princess Of China"
(feat. Rihanna)
by Coldplay

Ohhhhh...

[Chris Martin:]
Once upon a time somebody ran
Somebody ran away saying fast as I can
I've got to go... got to go

Once upon a time we fell apart
You're holding in your hands the two Halves of my heart
Ohhhhh, ohhhhh!

Ohhhhh...

[Rihanna:]
Once upon a time, we burn bright
Now all we ever seem to do is fight
On and on...
And on and on and on...

Once upon a time on the same side.
Once upon a time on the same side, the same game
And why'd you have to go, have to go and throw it all on my fame

[Chorus:]
I could've been a Princess, You'd be a King
Could've had a castle, and worn a ring
But no, you let me go

I could've been a Princess, You'd be a king
Could've had a castle, and worn a ring
But no, you let me go

And stole my star

[Beat Break]

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
You stole my star la, la la la la laaaaaa

Oooooooh-oh oh oooooooh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhh
Oooooooh-oh oh oooooooh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhh

[Outro:]
Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
Ooooooooh no you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
Ooooooooh no you really hurt me...

The fourth house on the right

Today we spent two hours going over all the home products in the store. I started working at a new place this week! Am I excited? Excited to be away from my previous place of employment and glad to be on to something more suited for my skill set. This is not the end of the road for me. I for sure want to get my Master's Degree in Art and my teaching certificate in the near future- just not sure how near yet.

Jack took me out on another art related date- twice in two nights! Jack is great. It doesn't feel like we are casually dating, it feels more like we are best friends and that's what I like about it... but maybe that's the definition of casual dating? Being friends who like each other a little more than friends? We went to Park City and toured some of the art galleries there. My favorite was the Fatali photography studio. Yes there were girls oogling over my outfit but that wasn't why I liked the art, check out the website and you will see for yourself. http://www.fatali.com/index2.php

Adam invited us to a haunted house afterwards where our friend Matt's friend does a homemade version. It reminded me of the time when my sixth grade class made a haunted house to raise money for our Cali trip when all the other loser classes went to the Grand Canyon...So for something produced in a house, this haunted house was great! I was scared and ended up leaving with bruises due to others who were scared and stepped on me.

The night ended with me in a hot tub (at my own will) so I would call the night a success.

Amy xoxo

"Seamless"
Erin McKeown

we are tiny when held against the sky
flat like a hand
we are fused you and i
what do i care how seamless is the line
where we begin and end?

now we are roiled and ruled apart by lines
cracked like a note
we find fault where nothing lies
how can we know that
apocalypse and bliss
are truly seamless?

Dracula

Last week attending the play The Tempest and now tonight it was Ballet West's Dracula- my soul is happy because it has been filled with art. I love it when a guy isn't scared to explore things he doesn't know that much about- something such as art. It's a world where not a lot of people connect with me in, but when they do, it's awesome.

Amy xoxo

"A Boundless Moment"
Robert Frost

He halted in the wind, and -- what was that
Far in the maples, pale, but not a ghost?
He stood there bringing March against his thought,
And yet too ready to believe the most.

"Oh, that's the Paradise-in-bloom," I said;
And truly it was fair enough for flowers
had we but in us to assume in march
Such white luxuriance of May for ours.

We stood a moment so in a strange world,
Myself as one his own pretense deceives;
And then I said the truth (and we moved on).
A young beech clinging to its last year's leaves.

Mullet Bullet

Ether 12:6
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

How interesting that I would recite this scripture during my talk on Sunday and then have it become so applicable to my life today.

Photo taken without Jack's consent

Photo taken with Jack's consent

Amy, Jack & Jonathan

aka Kit, Jav & Joe during bowling

Two questions of the night- one talked about with my blessing, the other was discussed with my hands over my ears (you guess which one).

Is it ok to eat someone aka cannibalism?

Is it ok for a straight girl with a boyfriend to wear her hair mullet style?

Stimulating conversations.

Amy xoxo

"Stanley Climbfall"
Lifehouse

quiet
seems like an honest world
you're begging for the beggars' bread when the money's out
stand climb and fall
carry the world
can't carry your own
when the world is falling down
and another breaks then another falls
for losers always make the winner's day
stand climb and fall
carry the weight
can't carry it all
are you falling
are you faking
are you healing
are you breaking
am I burning
am I only melting
these diamonds in the making
and I'm at the end of myself
anything you want
and nothing seems to satisfy me
take anything you want
quiet
a sound you know so well
you're living just to make it through another day
stand climb and fall
carry the world
can't carry your own
are you falling
are you faking
are you healing
are you breaking
am I burning
am I only melting
these diamonds in the making
and I'm at the end of myself
anything you want
and nothing seems to satisfy me
take anything you want
take anything you want
take anything you want
quiet

Ps Yes it is ok for a girl to wear a mullet!

Delta wave

My new haircut with bangs

fyi nothing on my face photoshopped, I just darkened the edges

You can never go back. Everything you have done, you must accept the consequences of those actions. I remember hearing those words echo in my mind so distinctly months ago. I remember thinking, yes, that applies to me, but not right now because I don't want it to. But consequences apply to us every day whether we choose to live in the clouds or down to earth. I have chosen both at times. My reality now is a mixture of accepting those consequences and forging my own path, looking to create my own destiny full of happiness. I know what will make me happy. I know myself the best- I know my faults, weaknesses, my deepest secrets (there are a lot), my loathsome habits, and my enviable strengths. I will never be the girl with the biggest boobs, flattest stomach, or best hair.

November 15, 2010
"...I copied and sent one of the posts to my email account. Diane said she is in a wheelchair and had use of one of her limbs. She is alone most days...
Loneliness. It's a terrible thing."

October 21, 2011
"I like to think that I was the torch in that darkness sometimes...'The only thing that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.' You are the place I feel peace and at home. I wish I could be that light for you again."

May 15, 2011
"Yes, we can always be & always do better- but I love you for who you are now."

October 30, 2010
"I often wonder what besides art will make me happy. Today was one of those days when I didn't have to think- I just let the happiness flow... I've never had a deeper connection with anyone else. We hardly ever fight... I'm scared to lose him knowing all of these amazing things... I've never been happier with someone..."

What is my point to these endless ramblings? Do I wish sometimes? Do I dream about things I do not have but want, need and desire? Absolutely, yes, every day! If you want something, make it happen and accept the consequences of that something. Some things in life turn out better than your best dreams. And some things, most things... the BEST things- those take time. Because in the end, that patience with a little bit of struggling- those are the things that remain treasured because fire is a powerful element.

Amy xoxo

"Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)"
Arcade Fire

I woke up with the power out, not really somethin to shout about. ice
has covered up my parents hands, don't have any dreams don't have any
plans. i went out into the night, i went out to find some light. kids
are swingin from the power lines, nobody's home so nobody minds
i woke up on the darkest night, neighbors all were shouting that they
found the light - "we found the light." - shadows jumpin' all over my
walls, some of them big, some of them small. i went out into the night
i went out to pick a fight with anyone. light a candle for the kids,
jesus christ don't keep it hid!
ice has covered up my parents eyes, don't know how to see, don't know
how to cry. growin' up in some strange storm, nobody's cold, nobody's
warm. i went out into the night, i went out to find some light. kids
are dyin' out in the snow, look at them go - look at them go!
and the power's out in the heart of man, take it from your heart put
it in your hand. what's the plan? what's the plan? is it a dream? is
it a lie? i think i'll let you deceide. just light a candle for the
kids, jesus christ don't keep it hid! cause nothing's hid, from us
kids! you ain't foolin' nobody - with the lights out! and the power's
out in the heart of man, take it from your heart put it in your hand.
and there's something wrong in the heart of man, you take it from your
heart and put it in your hand! where'd you go?!

Ps Round 57 of the nightmares. Talk about things you do and do not have control over. Dear pillow, please bring me some comfort tonight.

Fainting spells

I feel like I am the exact opposite of myself. I feel like I am watching my life through someone else's eyes. I feel hallow. I feel like every exacting and deliberate move on my part only skims the surface of what really matters. What really matters? I am struggling but not from lack of air- I feel like I have too much! It's hard for me to think so I create mindless tasks to complete. Everyday it's the same food, the same people, the same problems- the same tasks. I am not looking for the kind of adventure which sets me in a world of mystery. I am looking for the deeper meaning in everything.

I am upset. I feel like I could have created a better life for myself up to this point. It's not that I necessarily regret the choices I've made, I just feel like in a lot of situations I've been careless when I thought I was being carefree. I've been careless with my heart allowing people into my life who had no business being there.

It's hard to continue on a path I feel like I was never meant to travel on. That's not to say the things that I am doing now are not worthy and righteous. I do think there are things I am great on! I am saying that I didn't see myself single at 26. That is not to say I feel like this is the end of the road for me... what I am saying is that I have planned my life multiple times, thought I was on one path, only to realize I had no idea what I was doing and oops, I am doing something completely different that what I thought I would be doing. I am ok with change. I would just like a glimpse of some sort of landmark in my near vacinity.

I hope these struggles will make my future ones easier because guess what- I am going to beat this slump I am in! I have said it may times and I will say it again, I am grateful for my struggles. Maybe all of this is to see if I am super patient enough to wait for a super hot husband. Yes, I think that's what all of this means.

I can learn from my past situations and resolve to live better- with more patience, persistence, forgiveness and strength.

This picture is from a friend of a friend's fb page. They titled it "Romantic Artists".

I think it fits perfectly with this song.

Amy xoxo

"Fade Into You"
Mazzy Star

I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go blind
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew

A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knew

Ps Onward! All in the valley of death as Tennyson would say.

Sad, lovely, beautiful

I've been thinking about investments a lot and not of the financial kind. I have been thinking about how I choose to invest my time. This has also trickled into how others choose as well and the ideas have been fascinating to me. How do we make time to play Angry Birds but we don't have time to read our Scriptures? Why do we make excuses for ourselves? This next week I am taking a hiatus from my blog in order to take care of the things that really need my time. I look forward to chatting with you in a week!

Amy xoxo

"If You Wanna"
by The Vaccines

I don't want to wake up in the morning
But I've got to face the day
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

I don't want to do things independently
But I can't make you stay
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

But if you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me

I don't want to see you with another guy
But the fact is that I may
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

Give it just another couple months or so
Then you'll be ok
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

Alone, all alone
I am on my own
Alone, all alone
I am on my own

But if you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me

If you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me

Ps Gone to invest my time wisely