Be Brave She Said

Naivety. Indulgence in thoughts that he would come for me. It didn't matter who I was with, he would be the one to pull me away. He always had that affect on me. For years the thought of what we could be because we never truly were, haunted me. I wanted our constantly diverging paths to become one. Our itineraries would sometimes include the same destinations yet in those moments I never felt more distance between us. What created this gap? Certainly it was my ignorance which perpetuated it. Letters written but never sent, phone numbers dialed but never followed by the complete call button. Cowardly nonactions allowing my life to be acted upon.
On Sunday, I spoke with Nancy Gleue for those of you who know her. Bravery was the topic. She is half a century now and said that is one piece of advice she would recommend to us younger ones- be brave.
Taking risks relies heavily on the release of fear. I used to take many risks, just not in productive ways. My productivity has gone up in the past couple of years. I no longer run in circles afraid of the unknown. There is fear in letting go. Sometimes the braver option is to relinquish. That action used to make me feel anxious and even like I was doing something wrong. But the truth is, I moved on a long time ago. It may have taken some time to recognize the shift, but I arrived at one of the correct conclusions. There were many paths I could have chosen and the one I chose wasn't him.  I decided to save myself and stop waiting. I decided to stop delaying my happiness based on past memories. I live in the now.
Amy xoxo
"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” ― William Jennings Bryan

Peaceful Hand

March 2011
"I know that for me, Adam brings me a sense of peace..."
This Sunday, Adam and I drove by the Iceburg in South Salt Lake. He said, do you remember  last time we were here? We sat in the parking lot talking about our relationship. I asked if you had to describe our relationship in one word what would you say? You answered peaceful.
I am grateful for the peace and the assurance that I will receive that peace in my life daily. There have been times I wasn't sure I would wake up to see the next day. Chaotic.
I specifically remember my Father saying to me beginning of 2010, watch the hand of the Lord withdraw from you as you make decisions which are contrary to his plan.
I don't worry about the Lord's hand withdrawing from my life anymore. It is my daily choice to hold it which strengthens and enables me.

Amy xoxo

I Must Create It

Written Friday, October 26, 2012

My last day at work. It was a weird day. I am glad to be my own boss now and pursue my own interests. I came home and started moving my room around and going through my closet. I moved my bed (it's on wheels) and one of the wheels snapped and now it's broken. I stood there in the middle of my torn up room, looked at my broken 3 wheeled bed and wanted so deeply to cry. I wanted to cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  I stood there, tears welling in my eyes and none would fall. I still haven't given myself permission to cry. In moments of surprise and despair I do give myself the courtesy of a few tears but I feel absolutely weak in those subtle breakdowns. I need to give myself permission to feel again. It's only human to feel something- ANYTHING. And I know I do feel but it would be a sweet release to cry again because that would mean I am free from what is really holding me back there.
For now, I am glad to start on another one of my great adventures. Change is a good thing and I am determined to put my talents to good use.
Back sometime around February of 2010, I met with my friends Lance and Dagen at Cannella's. Fitting because that's where my sister and I would spend some of our summer nights eating out with Cindy and John. Lance and Dagen didn't know then how much their words impacted me. I listened to everything they had to say and I knew then that I would make a position for myself. I mean that in so many ways. Now is my time to create my dream position for myself. I can do whatever I want with my time. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it finally feels good to taste it in such length.

Amy xoxo

Be the Change

I know what it's like to have a past. Sometimes I look ahead and see how easy my path will be now that I have had to endure hard things all before I was even 25. I don't often find myself feeling badly about the life I once had because it has given me the one I have now. When I do feel pain from my past, I have found that it is best to tell myself, "That is an old story". I recognize what I am feeling so that I feel validated, but then I can move on. I do move on.
I wasn't planning on telling you this story again, but I feel like it's an important one. I have found that I give purpose to things and even to people when I genuinely take an interest in them.
When I was in my early tweens, I had a cat named Claira. Everyone in my family thought of her as a brat cat. She would hiss and scratch at anyone in her way. I made a conscious decision to go out of my way to be nice to her- even when she was behaving badly. She would glare at me if I got in her path or even near her but I took the challenge and would get down on her level and cuddle up close to her. She bit me and clawed me a few times but eventually she knew that I was never giving up and I would never leave her. I would always be there to give her love. We became best friends. There would be times that I was uncomfortable in my current position in my bed but I wouldn't budge because I didn't want to disrupt Claira, silly I know.
The point I am trying to make is that it doesn't matter what you find important, just find something. I may love butterflies and you may see no point in studying or even looking at them. I can tell you that one of the most important investments with our time involve people. There are people who may even resist our love but that doesn't mean they don't deserve it. If you feel like you aren't getting through to someone, stop trying to solve your own agenda and start helping them with theirs.
I don't know about you, but it's always easier for me to connect with someone when I see just how transparent they are. I thrive on honesty and consideration. And that is your challenge this week- determine who in your life needs the most love. Be a mirror and think and act truthfully so that others may feel safe to do the same.

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


Amy xoxo

Brick by Brick

"I like your hair."
"I like your face."

This was how my conversation started with Aleeha. Obviously that is exactly how to spell her name because I am an expert name-speller-outter.

Adam and I took a concealed firearm class in order to get our permit a few weeks ago. After, we went to one of the best burger places ever- Smashburger. They have these Rosemary fries... oh, and the caramel shake... yum!
I went to the restroom before our food arrived and there she was- Aleeha- waiting in line to enter the restroom. Instead of an awkward silence between us, she took the initiative and broke the distance separating us as stranger and acquaintance.

Aleeha: I like your hair. (I have red hair and yes, it is really cool)
Amy: I like your face. (Because her face was painted like a butterfly, not because I am rude)
Aleeha: My name is Aleeha, what's yours?
Amy: Amy. Aleeha, that is a very pretty name. So where did you get your butterfly painted at? I love butterflies.
Aleeha: Thank you! I got it at the Autism Speaks event. I have Autism, that's why I went.
Amy: Oh! Well it looks like you had a lot of fun.
Aleeha: Yeah! I did. They had a bouncy castle and contests with prizes. I won a lot of the contests because I am good. See? (She holds up her medal to me which is around her neck)
Amy: So cool! Good job! (Door opens to the restroom)
Aleeha: Well, it was really nice to meet you Amy.
Amy: It was nice to meet you too Aleeha.

And for that moment, I felt like she was one of the truest friends I have ever had. Honest, pure and attentive- all of the things I look for in friends but not surprisingly find lacking most of the time.

I know if you want something, first you have to give it. If I expect honesty and truth from others, that is what I must live fully.
So here are a few things I've been holding back on a bit-

I don't just talk about Jesus, I actually study and apply what he teaches into my own life. I don't worry about others excessively or to the point where I try to intervene when I am not wanted- only when it is a dangerous situation where abuse is involved or implied.

I hate being forgotten. Do you ever feel that way? And I'm sure I've made people feel this way before and I am sorry. Maybe I didn't call you when I said I would. Maybe I promised you I would hang out with you and I didn't. Again, I'm sorry. Or maybe you are sitting there saying, you just don't talk to me anymore so surely you have forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten you. With that said know this: many of the actions of others have nothing to do with us personally. This is something I am learning. But sometimes it still hurts.

The source of my strength comes from the pain I have endured. Like a Phoenix, I have learned that is where my greatest growth has come from- the source and then the journey. Some self-induced pain? Absolutely. I learn best from personal experience. But I don't know anyone who ever asks to be abused. What is done is done, choices and all. The person I am now has come from many choices and I wouldn't take away any personal ones. With this pain, I have helped others and if that is all that I ever do, then I will be a great person. I'm working on it.

Amy xoxo

Marley!

My roommate and I have a new addition! Her name is Marley. She's about 9 weeks old in these photos. She is feisty, playful and a joy to have in our apartment. Here are a few pictures of her and what I have been up to including getting my room cleaned, hanging photos, posters, etc. and making Marley a kitty home!

Amy xoxo

Solar Show

I am currently visiting with a physical therapist to help me with my leg. I was diagnosed by a sports medicine doctor last fall with Iliotibial band syndrome (IT band). I stopped running then for three reasons. One, my doctor told me to. Two, it was painful to keep running- even a mile hurt. Three, I didn't need to keep running because I was ready to face every emotion I was feeling. Running helped me get over my break-up with Adam and helped me to become more assertive. I just couldn't stay away for too long! I love running too much and it's something I have always had a desire to develop. I finally got steady insurance starting this month beginning of August so I decided to take advantage of those benefits (good girl I can hear my mother saying).
Sitting in a doctor's office with no one else there except the two of you, you get to talking about many things. Almost in an act of deliberate desperation, my physical therapist brought up the fact that he needed help! He was in the doghouse because he forgot his wedding anniversary of 42 years. His wife was ticked! She didn't understand how he could forget. He asked me, what should I do? I didn't even have to think, the answer was on my lips as I opened my mouth. I asked him if he had ever read The Five Love Languages? He said he hadn't and I described them to him. I encouraged him by telling him, obviously you are doing something right to be married for 42 years, so don't feel too down on yourself! But I told him to go home with a love note written to his wife. I told him not to hold anything back, it needed to be really sappy and dripping with sweet love. He laughed and asked me what should it say? It should say I told him, Honey, I want to read this book (The Five Love Languages) with you. This book isn't for you, it is for me because I am the one who needs to learn from it, but please come on this journey with me. I want to do something with you which will make us grow together... So right now his wife is feeling rejected. She wants to feel justified in her feelings and she wants to feel loved. Maybe she needs to read this book more than him- fine. But she will learn regardless of what he says to her before they read it. He might as well except his part in forgetting their anniversary and say sorry. The quicker he accepts responsibility and says sorry and tries to make it better, the quicker they can both move on.
Within 5 minutes of our conversation (I was the on a machine getting some treatment so he wasn't neglecting me or anything) he bought the book and accepted everything I had suggested. He seemed happy there was a resolution in sight. I felt good because helping people is what I like to do! We'll see what happens with that situation. I am thinking a column like "Dear Amy" has a nice ring to it ;)

Two Fridays ago (August 17th) I was walking home from the gym. Yes, Friday and I was at the gym. Ugh, so as I was walking home, my friend Zak was outside. The perfect excuse to stop moving and take a rest! I found out he was going on a 24 hour trip down south with some friends. It was fun to catch up but I had to get going to a wedding reception (Julee's). I walked home and plopped on Adam's couch and relished the sweetness of the cushions and my butt becoming one. Good thing I realized that my friend Megs invited me to an art show and the only time I could go was, well NOW. I couldn't do it after the reception- too late in the P.M. So I got up, dressed up cute (because we all know cute clothes and art was the only thing getting me off of that couch... chocolate ice cream wasn't available...) and met Megs. I love living downtown because I can walk anywhere! We walked to the art gallery and we found out the girl showing her work was not only a super incredible artist, but this was her first solo showing. Megs bought a print and I am in the process of hopefully buying one. I say that because the print I want hasn't been made yet. The painting was bought that night but it hasn't been decided if a print will be made... But it was the best piece there and I usually get what I want so I think based on those two facts, I will buy a print. Here's an interview and some of her work if you are interested:

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/blog-70-6110-emily-hart-wood.html

Back to Zak. Did you think that was a meaningless detail? Not at all. So fast foward. Art show a success with Megs. Walk back home. Drive to Julee's beautiful reception. See Julee happy. I see Julee happy. I am happy. I see food. I eat food. I am happier. I am nicer to Adam. Go to bed. Saturday morning breakfast with Adam. City Creek. Airport to see Hannah. She goes to Africa to help orphans. She almost cries. I am happy and scared for her. Drive back home. Babysit for some extra $. The kids love me. Get back in time time to kiss Adam and say goodbye again.
Now we are to the point of this story.
As I was getting in my car to go see my friend Jess who was in town (I haven't seen her since NC 2009) I see Zak and friends unloading his car down the street. I pull up and honk my horn and scare them. I love scaring people. Is that mean? If it's wrong, I don't want to be right. Zak tells me to stop driving and pull over, he wants to tell me something. I pull over. He comes over and tells me he had a dream about me last night. Remember- Zak doesn't know anything about my stroll to the art gallery. Zak tells me in the dream I has my first solo art opening and it went very well- I was super successful. But right after that, I died...

But how cool would that be? Dying doing something I love... Adam doesn't want me to die and made me promise when I have my first solo art show that I won't die. I promised him. Ok, ok. I will just have to die doing something else WAY cooler. Like climbing an Egyptian pyramid or something (insert clever but cool way to die here). I guess I don't really care too much about dying. I'm too busy living.

Amy xoxo