I've had a lot of questions swirling in my mind lately. Mostly I am at peace in my every day life but I feel like with peace, contentment can easily follow. But really, how do people have a full time job, workout, eat right, and have successful relationships? It's a hard balance for me.
This week I started working out every day. I am active every day because of my job but I don't feel like it's enough. I like to run at least a mile every day because running clears my mind and centers my purpose. It's me time and I feel like that's something everyone needs. I also feel like with me getting into more of a routine, doing more of my art would allow me to open my creative mind and be more explorative (DUH, right?). So I need to set more time aside for that.
I had an eye-opening experience this week. I saw my friend Chris on Saturday. We dated for a bit in college... yes, that Chris. Just wanted to get you up to speed. He said I've been spoiled my whole life when it has come to guys loving me. I am not as easily offended anymore and especially not when someone says something which it truthful about me. It has always been easy for me to fall in love and to be loved by others. But why is that?
My friend Courtney and I have always admired things about each other. She admires my ability to love and be loved. I admire her intelligence and career path. We are both so different but we appreciate what we have and what we can learn from one another. We have both grown so much from when we first met each other! We watched Midnight in Paris last night. Ah, Pair-ee. So gorgeous. I'm sure it's the fantasy I am in love with. Once I get there and the rose-colored glasses have been removed from my memory I am sure I will be flooded with a sad dose of reality.
I've been having weird dreams lately. One I had earlier this week was about a couple I knew a while back. I was actually great friends with them when I was married. In my dream, they got divorced. I asked them what happened and she was quick to respond with, "Well, he was only boyfriend material. When we were married, it was like we were dating." In my dream it made sense to me, but awake that perspective only confuses me. Then, to make it worse I was dating her ex-husband. It was like we were best friends, not dating. So is that what she meant when she was trying to talk to me about the failure of their relationship? It was weird. I have never felt a romantic connection to this dude btw.
Then, this morning I dreamt about a white cat. I could communicate to this cat without words. It was always around me whenever I went. I went outside one night and there was a tiger in the distance near my old house in Phoenix (near the condos if you know where those are located across the street). So I took the cat and hid in a neighbor's front yard down the cul-de-sac. I wished for a blanket and then BOOM I had one (Adam hates the word BOOM for some reason. Maybe it sounds like something a cocky guy would say? But I am not a guy so he should get over it.).
A lot of thoughts, but you didn't come here for boringness.
Amy xoxo
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Mustache Sweater
I work in the coolest shops this floorset. Within the store I work at, we have different concepts and we usually refer to them as shops or sections. For example, there may be a cowgirl shop and a rocker chick shop and a 70s girl shop and so on. I have a shop called Geek Chic. Now to some, it may seem like a mix up of stripes, conversation print and puke, but it calls to my inner child. It reminds me of how I used to dress when I was in elementary school- print on print and rocking it. It's back to school shopping season and the store hasn't been lacking in customers lately. There was a mother/daughter duo walking together when the daughter, about age 13, stopped to fondle a sweater with a mustache on it. Anyone cool knows that mustaches have been in for a few years now. Whether you can grow one or wear one, they are in. She exclaimed with delight and held up the sweater to show her mother. In disgust, her mother said, "Ew, NO!"
I know this is not an earth shattering scenario that I should concern myself with, but I still learned something. I don't think I am an uptight person and I certainly hope I won't be an uptight mother. This girl is 13 years old. She picked out a sweater, a perfectly respectable sweater, and this mother shot her daughter down because of her personal taste (which may or may not be bad). I want to give my kids boundaries when it comes to things like safety, but not when it comes to creativity. Give respect to earn respect. LET THE GIRL WEAR HER MUSTACHE SWEATER.
Thank you. The End.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Can't Buy Love
This story is about clothes Chris, but it goes much deeper so you may want to stick around.
I may have told you this before. Once you buy something like Nikes, you never go back to Payless. I remember my first pair of Nikes. Cindy bought them for me in Park City. They were all white except for the blue swoosh on the sides. I was amazed at how comfortable and let's be honest- how stylish they were! ;)
In her early 20's, unable to buy anything more than the basics for herself, my mother was taken to a department store by her sister Linda. Linda let my mom pick out whatever she wanted. When you can afford to do that for someone else, I think you gain more pleasure out of it than the person on the receiving end. This is one of the reasons I want to be wealthy. I want to help people with my money. But that is not where I am going with this story.
When I was say, 8? my auntie Linda did the same thing for Liisa and me. She took us to Nordstrom and told us to pick out 5 outfits each. I wasn't thinking about cost then, but I knew what she was doing was out of the ordinary. More than anything, I loved spending that time with her and my sister.
Last week, I took Serra out shopping for school clothes and it's her 16th birthday coming up soon. I've gotten her a few gifts already, but if it's one thing I feel strongly about- it's clothing. There is something powerful walking into school on the first day wearing a new outfit that was chosen just for you. I don't think I am setting Serra up for her future by buying her clothes. I give her something much more meaningful than shopping trips- I give her me.
It does not matter your economic status for we all have an equal amount of time in a day, 24 hours. We all choose to spend our time if different ways. Some squander their time here, others cherish every single precious moment they have.
My greatest gift I can give you is not my money, but it is my time. For if I give you my time, you shall then know that that is when I truly love you.
I just want you to know I have been thinking about you Auntie. You are one of the greatest woman I know. I only have fond memories of you and it is because of your direct influence that I am a successful woman today. I love you Auntie Linda!
Amy xoxo
I may have told you this before. Once you buy something like Nikes, you never go back to Payless. I remember my first pair of Nikes. Cindy bought them for me in Park City. They were all white except for the blue swoosh on the sides. I was amazed at how comfortable and let's be honest- how stylish they were! ;)
In her early 20's, unable to buy anything more than the basics for herself, my mother was taken to a department store by her sister Linda. Linda let my mom pick out whatever she wanted. When you can afford to do that for someone else, I think you gain more pleasure out of it than the person on the receiving end. This is one of the reasons I want to be wealthy. I want to help people with my money. But that is not where I am going with this story.
When I was say, 8? my auntie Linda did the same thing for Liisa and me. She took us to Nordstrom and told us to pick out 5 outfits each. I wasn't thinking about cost then, but I knew what she was doing was out of the ordinary. More than anything, I loved spending that time with her and my sister.
Last week, I took Serra out shopping for school clothes and it's her 16th birthday coming up soon. I've gotten her a few gifts already, but if it's one thing I feel strongly about- it's clothing. There is something powerful walking into school on the first day wearing a new outfit that was chosen just for you. I don't think I am setting Serra up for her future by buying her clothes. I give her something much more meaningful than shopping trips- I give her me.
It does not matter your economic status for we all have an equal amount of time in a day, 24 hours. We all choose to spend our time if different ways. Some squander their time here, others cherish every single precious moment they have.
My greatest gift I can give you is not my money, but it is my time. For if I give you my time, you shall then know that that is when I truly love you.
I just want you to know I have been thinking about you Auntie. You are one of the greatest woman I know. I only have fond memories of you and it is because of your direct influence that I am a successful woman today. I love you Auntie Linda!
Amy xoxo
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part three
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me today. There were a lot of roadblocks in my way which were preventing me from attending the temple. Just so you know there are good things I like about you- you spell very well. My anger towards you has subsided a bit. It's good to see you making progress. I have been making some as well. I feel like I have a lot to say tonight as well but all of my thoughts are random jumbles. Let me say this- I don't trust you. Bottom line, the thought of being alone with you is scary because I don't know if you will hurt me or not. That is not a healthy relationship. I have held out hope for you and I feel like that is why I have stayed with you for so long. I have faith anyone can change- I just don't know if I can wait for you. One side of me says- Eternity... I will wait for you forever- my husband is worth it. Another side says no, I'm sorry- you already had your chances and you blew it with me. I don't regret marrying you. So far I have learned a great deal about myself. I know what I am capable of. I am a lot stronger now than at the beginning of our relationship. Good and bad. I hate crying in front of you because you have made fun of me for doing so before. That will probably never change. And because of that- I have a wall built up between us. I will never be willing to break that wall down. This is just a sliver of the damage you have done. This is the price. In a way, you have directly created who I am today. I am not damaged beyond the point of repairs, but I am not whole. That is sad. I was given to you- call me a present. But you abused me and took me for granted. You don't know how much pain you have caused me. I am not prefect by any means- but I certainly haven't come close to affecting you nearly as negatively as you have to me. That is sad. We are not equals. It's going to take a while to be with you if that's what is going to happen and I don't know if I'm willing to follow you on that journey.
Amy
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me today. There were a lot of roadblocks in my way which were preventing me from attending the temple. Just so you know there are good things I like about you- you spell very well. My anger towards you has subsided a bit. It's good to see you making progress. I have been making some as well. I feel like I have a lot to say tonight as well but all of my thoughts are random jumbles. Let me say this- I don't trust you. Bottom line, the thought of being alone with you is scary because I don't know if you will hurt me or not. That is not a healthy relationship. I have held out hope for you and I feel like that is why I have stayed with you for so long. I have faith anyone can change- I just don't know if I can wait for you. One side of me says- Eternity... I will wait for you forever- my husband is worth it. Another side says no, I'm sorry- you already had your chances and you blew it with me. I don't regret marrying you. So far I have learned a great deal about myself. I know what I am capable of. I am a lot stronger now than at the beginning of our relationship. Good and bad. I hate crying in front of you because you have made fun of me for doing so before. That will probably never change. And because of that- I have a wall built up between us. I will never be willing to break that wall down. This is just a sliver of the damage you have done. This is the price. In a way, you have directly created who I am today. I am not damaged beyond the point of repairs, but I am not whole. That is sad. I was given to you- call me a present. But you abused me and took me for granted. You don't know how much pain you have caused me. I am not prefect by any means- but I certainly haven't come close to affecting you nearly as negatively as you have to me. That is sad. We are not equals. It's going to take a while to be with you if that's what is going to happen and I don't know if I'm willing to follow you on that journey.
Amy
Thursday, June 28, 2012
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part two
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us now for the mistakes we have made in the past. I believe in these words yet I have not fully forgiven you. I know I will soon. I am mad at you for the hurt you have caused me and inflicted upon me, but it is not unforgivable. I do not know to what extent you have told the new Bishop what you have physically and emotionally done to me- but all I can know is that yes, the things you have continued to do are reasons for me to leave. You have pulled knives out and held them to your throat and threatened to kill yourself on many (several) occasions. I can remember going to bed those nights afraid if you were ever going to pull a knife out on me. I cannot go back to the past again. It is not only painful, but it is unsafe for me to do so. I need to forgive you so we can both move forward with our lives and heal. I know I have been a patient wife, friend, lover and woman when it came to you. I know I have done everything I could to be the best for you. I treated you so well and I didn't always get that same treatment back from you. Patience has been something I have practiced in our marriage and I feel like it is not something I need to practice any longer- you have ended our marriage by continuing your controlling and abusive behavior. Of course I have contributed to the outcome of our relationship as well. When I think of faults I have or the parts I played in our decline- they are hard for me not to admit- but to find. I have felt truly devoted to you. But I haven't found that to be the case with you. There were always friends you wanted to hang out with more than just you and me. When I would ask you if I could just be with you- it was always a hassle and a struggle. Sorry- not always but most of the time. You would want it your way. This journal isn't a way for me to tell you how awful you were- because we did have some good times and you were good to me at times- but I want you to understand my feelings, thoughts, and actions. I know you may not understand everything now, but you will. That's what's so sad for me. Now you say you're willing to change but it's too late- I don't trust you and I don't feel safe with you even though I am so close to forgiving you. Forgiveness and feeling safety and trust around you are not linked. I know it will be hard to be divorced from you because of the good times we had. It feels weird to say 'divorced'. I think that's the way I am leaning towards but I want to be sure. Tomorrow I plan on attending the temple- SLC. I have never been and what better way then to go there where our eternal partnership started. I feel like it will take a miracle to repair us- our relationship together. When I am on my own- I feel free to make the decisions that are the best for me. Sometimes when I am with you- I feel like you make selfish decisions that effect both of us. It feels good to have a choice. Right now I can do anything I want. No one to tell me my dreams are not important and can't come true.
Amy
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us now for the mistakes we have made in the past. I believe in these words yet I have not fully forgiven you. I know I will soon. I am mad at you for the hurt you have caused me and inflicted upon me, but it is not unforgivable. I do not know to what extent you have told the new Bishop what you have physically and emotionally done to me- but all I can know is that yes, the things you have continued to do are reasons for me to leave. You have pulled knives out and held them to your throat and threatened to kill yourself on many (several) occasions. I can remember going to bed those nights afraid if you were ever going to pull a knife out on me. I cannot go back to the past again. It is not only painful, but it is unsafe for me to do so. I need to forgive you so we can both move forward with our lives and heal. I know I have been a patient wife, friend, lover and woman when it came to you. I know I have done everything I could to be the best for you. I treated you so well and I didn't always get that same treatment back from you. Patience has been something I have practiced in our marriage and I feel like it is not something I need to practice any longer- you have ended our marriage by continuing your controlling and abusive behavior. Of course I have contributed to the outcome of our relationship as well. When I think of faults I have or the parts I played in our decline- they are hard for me not to admit- but to find. I have felt truly devoted to you. But I haven't found that to be the case with you. There were always friends you wanted to hang out with more than just you and me. When I would ask you if I could just be with you- it was always a hassle and a struggle. Sorry- not always but most of the time. You would want it your way. This journal isn't a way for me to tell you how awful you were- because we did have some good times and you were good to me at times- but I want you to understand my feelings, thoughts, and actions. I know you may not understand everything now, but you will. That's what's so sad for me. Now you say you're willing to change but it's too late- I don't trust you and I don't feel safe with you even though I am so close to forgiving you. Forgiveness and feeling safety and trust around you are not linked. I know it will be hard to be divorced from you because of the good times we had. It feels weird to say 'divorced'. I think that's the way I am leaning towards but I want to be sure. Tomorrow I plan on attending the temple- SLC. I have never been and what better way then to go there where our eternal partnership started. I feel like it will take a miracle to repair us- our relationship together. When I am on my own- I feel free to make the decisions that are the best for me. Sometimes when I am with you- I feel like you make selfish decisions that effect both of us. It feels good to have a choice. Right now I can do anything I want. No one to tell me my dreams are not important and can't come true.
Amy
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part one
Hey, guess what I found? Something juicy for you, painful but liberating for me! What could it be? A note... I write this now because I can. Whenever I think that maybe my writing won't help anyone, I think again. Because what if... it does?
***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***
Monday, September 14th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-
Amy
A look at more to come...
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...
Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.
Amy xoxo
***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***
Monday, September 14th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-
Amy
A look at more to come...
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...
Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.
Amy xoxo
Monday, June 25, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)