I Must Create It

Written Friday, October 26, 2012

My last day at work. It was a weird day. I am glad to be my own boss now and pursue my own interests. I came home and started moving my room around and going through my closet. I moved my bed (it's on wheels) and one of the wheels snapped and now it's broken. I stood there in the middle of my torn up room, looked at my broken 3 wheeled bed and wanted so deeply to cry. I wanted to cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  I stood there, tears welling in my eyes and none would fall. I still haven't given myself permission to cry. In moments of surprise and despair I do give myself the courtesy of a few tears but I feel absolutely weak in those subtle breakdowns. I need to give myself permission to feel again. It's only human to feel something- ANYTHING. And I know I do feel but it would be a sweet release to cry again because that would mean I am free from what is really holding me back there.
For now, I am glad to start on another one of my great adventures. Change is a good thing and I am determined to put my talents to good use.
Back sometime around February of 2010, I met with my friends Lance and Dagen at Cannella's. Fitting because that's where my sister and I would spend some of our summer nights eating out with Cindy and John. Lance and Dagen didn't know then how much their words impacted me. I listened to everything they had to say and I knew then that I would make a position for myself. I mean that in so many ways. Now is my time to create my dream position for myself. I can do whatever I want with my time. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it finally feels good to taste it in such length.

Amy xoxo

Be the Change

I know what it's like to have a past. Sometimes I look ahead and see how easy my path will be now that I have had to endure hard things all before I was even 25. I don't often find myself feeling badly about the life I once had because it has given me the one I have now. When I do feel pain from my past, I have found that it is best to tell myself, "That is an old story". I recognize what I am feeling so that I feel validated, but then I can move on. I do move on.
I wasn't planning on telling you this story again, but I feel like it's an important one. I have found that I give purpose to things and even to people when I genuinely take an interest in them.
When I was in my early tweens, I had a cat named Claira. Everyone in my family thought of her as a brat cat. She would hiss and scratch at anyone in her way. I made a conscious decision to go out of my way to be nice to her- even when she was behaving badly. She would glare at me if I got in her path or even near her but I took the challenge and would get down on her level and cuddle up close to her. She bit me and clawed me a few times but eventually she knew that I was never giving up and I would never leave her. I would always be there to give her love. We became best friends. There would be times that I was uncomfortable in my current position in my bed but I wouldn't budge because I didn't want to disrupt Claira, silly I know.
The point I am trying to make is that it doesn't matter what you find important, just find something. I may love butterflies and you may see no point in studying or even looking at them. I can tell you that one of the most important investments with our time involve people. There are people who may even resist our love but that doesn't mean they don't deserve it. If you feel like you aren't getting through to someone, stop trying to solve your own agenda and start helping them with theirs.
I don't know about you, but it's always easier for me to connect with someone when I see just how transparent they are. I thrive on honesty and consideration. And that is your challenge this week- determine who in your life needs the most love. Be a mirror and think and act truthfully so that others may feel safe to do the same.

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


Amy xoxo

Brick by Brick

"I like your hair."
"I like your face."

This was how my conversation started with Aleeha. Obviously that is exactly how to spell her name because I am an expert name-speller-outter.

Adam and I took a concealed firearm class in order to get our permit a few weeks ago. After, we went to one of the best burger places ever- Smashburger. They have these Rosemary fries... oh, and the caramel shake... yum!
I went to the restroom before our food arrived and there she was- Aleeha- waiting in line to enter the restroom. Instead of an awkward silence between us, she took the initiative and broke the distance separating us as stranger and acquaintance.

Aleeha: I like your hair. (I have red hair and yes, it is really cool)
Amy: I like your face. (Because her face was painted like a butterfly, not because I am rude)
Aleeha: My name is Aleeha, what's yours?
Amy: Amy. Aleeha, that is a very pretty name. So where did you get your butterfly painted at? I love butterflies.
Aleeha: Thank you! I got it at the Autism Speaks event. I have Autism, that's why I went.
Amy: Oh! Well it looks like you had a lot of fun.
Aleeha: Yeah! I did. They had a bouncy castle and contests with prizes. I won a lot of the contests because I am good. See? (She holds up her medal to me which is around her neck)
Amy: So cool! Good job! (Door opens to the restroom)
Aleeha: Well, it was really nice to meet you Amy.
Amy: It was nice to meet you too Aleeha.

And for that moment, I felt like she was one of the truest friends I have ever had. Honest, pure and attentive- all of the things I look for in friends but not surprisingly find lacking most of the time.

I know if you want something, first you have to give it. If I expect honesty and truth from others, that is what I must live fully.
So here are a few things I've been holding back on a bit-

I don't just talk about Jesus, I actually study and apply what he teaches into my own life. I don't worry about others excessively or to the point where I try to intervene when I am not wanted- only when it is a dangerous situation where abuse is involved or implied.

I hate being forgotten. Do you ever feel that way? And I'm sure I've made people feel this way before and I am sorry. Maybe I didn't call you when I said I would. Maybe I promised you I would hang out with you and I didn't. Again, I'm sorry. Or maybe you are sitting there saying, you just don't talk to me anymore so surely you have forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten you. With that said know this: many of the actions of others have nothing to do with us personally. This is something I am learning. But sometimes it still hurts.

The source of my strength comes from the pain I have endured. Like a Phoenix, I have learned that is where my greatest growth has come from- the source and then the journey. Some self-induced pain? Absolutely. I learn best from personal experience. But I don't know anyone who ever asks to be abused. What is done is done, choices and all. The person I am now has come from many choices and I wouldn't take away any personal ones. With this pain, I have helped others and if that is all that I ever do, then I will be a great person. I'm working on it.

Amy xoxo

Marley!

My roommate and I have a new addition! Her name is Marley. She's about 9 weeks old in these photos. She is feisty, playful and a joy to have in our apartment. Here are a few pictures of her and what I have been up to including getting my room cleaned, hanging photos, posters, etc. and making Marley a kitty home!

Amy xoxo

Solar Show

I am currently visiting with a physical therapist to help me with my leg. I was diagnosed by a sports medicine doctor last fall with Iliotibial band syndrome (IT band). I stopped running then for three reasons. One, my doctor told me to. Two, it was painful to keep running- even a mile hurt. Three, I didn't need to keep running because I was ready to face every emotion I was feeling. Running helped me get over my break-up with Adam and helped me to become more assertive. I just couldn't stay away for too long! I love running too much and it's something I have always had a desire to develop. I finally got steady insurance starting this month beginning of August so I decided to take advantage of those benefits (good girl I can hear my mother saying).
Sitting in a doctor's office with no one else there except the two of you, you get to talking about many things. Almost in an act of deliberate desperation, my physical therapist brought up the fact that he needed help! He was in the doghouse because he forgot his wedding anniversary of 42 years. His wife was ticked! She didn't understand how he could forget. He asked me, what should I do? I didn't even have to think, the answer was on my lips as I opened my mouth. I asked him if he had ever read The Five Love Languages? He said he hadn't and I described them to him. I encouraged him by telling him, obviously you are doing something right to be married for 42 years, so don't feel too down on yourself! But I told him to go home with a love note written to his wife. I told him not to hold anything back, it needed to be really sappy and dripping with sweet love. He laughed and asked me what should it say? It should say I told him, Honey, I want to read this book (The Five Love Languages) with you. This book isn't for you, it is for me because I am the one who needs to learn from it, but please come on this journey with me. I want to do something with you which will make us grow together... So right now his wife is feeling rejected. She wants to feel justified in her feelings and she wants to feel loved. Maybe she needs to read this book more than him- fine. But she will learn regardless of what he says to her before they read it. He might as well except his part in forgetting their anniversary and say sorry. The quicker he accepts responsibility and says sorry and tries to make it better, the quicker they can both move on.
Within 5 minutes of our conversation (I was the on a machine getting some treatment so he wasn't neglecting me or anything) he bought the book and accepted everything I had suggested. He seemed happy there was a resolution in sight. I felt good because helping people is what I like to do! We'll see what happens with that situation. I am thinking a column like "Dear Amy" has a nice ring to it ;)

Two Fridays ago (August 17th) I was walking home from the gym. Yes, Friday and I was at the gym. Ugh, so as I was walking home, my friend Zak was outside. The perfect excuse to stop moving and take a rest! I found out he was going on a 24 hour trip down south with some friends. It was fun to catch up but I had to get going to a wedding reception (Julee's). I walked home and plopped on Adam's couch and relished the sweetness of the cushions and my butt becoming one. Good thing I realized that my friend Megs invited me to an art show and the only time I could go was, well NOW. I couldn't do it after the reception- too late in the P.M. So I got up, dressed up cute (because we all know cute clothes and art was the only thing getting me off of that couch... chocolate ice cream wasn't available...) and met Megs. I love living downtown because I can walk anywhere! We walked to the art gallery and we found out the girl showing her work was not only a super incredible artist, but this was her first solo showing. Megs bought a print and I am in the process of hopefully buying one. I say that because the print I want hasn't been made yet. The painting was bought that night but it hasn't been decided if a print will be made... But it was the best piece there and I usually get what I want so I think based on those two facts, I will buy a print. Here's an interview and some of her work if you are interested:

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/blog-70-6110-emily-hart-wood.html

Back to Zak. Did you think that was a meaningless detail? Not at all. So fast foward. Art show a success with Megs. Walk back home. Drive to Julee's beautiful reception. See Julee happy. I see Julee happy. I am happy. I see food. I eat food. I am happier. I am nicer to Adam. Go to bed. Saturday morning breakfast with Adam. City Creek. Airport to see Hannah. She goes to Africa to help orphans. She almost cries. I am happy and scared for her. Drive back home. Babysit for some extra $. The kids love me. Get back in time time to kiss Adam and say goodbye again.
Now we are to the point of this story.
As I was getting in my car to go see my friend Jess who was in town (I haven't seen her since NC 2009) I see Zak and friends unloading his car down the street. I pull up and honk my horn and scare them. I love scaring people. Is that mean? If it's wrong, I don't want to be right. Zak tells me to stop driving and pull over, he wants to tell me something. I pull over. He comes over and tells me he had a dream about me last night. Remember- Zak doesn't know anything about my stroll to the art gallery. Zak tells me in the dream I has my first solo art opening and it went very well- I was super successful. But right after that, I died...

But how cool would that be? Dying doing something I love... Adam doesn't want me to die and made me promise when I have my first solo art show that I won't die. I promised him. Ok, ok. I will just have to die doing something else WAY cooler. Like climbing an Egyptian pyramid or something (insert clever but cool way to die here). I guess I don't really care too much about dying. I'm too busy living.

Amy xoxo

Happy Birthday Mama

To my Mom.

Get out the tissues now.
You have been my best friend since adolescence. Your wisdom transcends decades and it has been a constant in my life. I don't think you are prefect- in fact that was a big moment for me in college when I realized you were also a person- not just my parent. I know you have hopes and dreams of your own. I know some of those have been passed on to my sister and me. Every day I am here, I keep you in mind to make you and Daddy proud of me. I am now in the best place I have ever been in my life. You gave me those tools- those roots. If not for you, I would have never gone to counseling. You taught me to look at life in a positive way. Yes, this life can be lonely and bleak, but with family close, it is always sweet. You taught me not to fight with those whom I love, because they are my most precious gift. Because you told me life isn't fair, I work hard everyday to have the life I want even when the very forces of Hell are working against me.
You tucked me in bed every night. You showed me you cared, that I was your most precious gift. You always made me feel welcomed, loved and wanted. I know there was much of my childhood when you were sick but you still made sure I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted.
I don't know a Mom that cared more about her daughters than you did. I have been blessed so much having you as my Mother. You honored me. You not only showed me love, but you cultivated my talents to such a degree that now, I get to use those talents everyday. I know how to love because of you. I am glad to call you Mother and friend. I can't wait to see what new things you get to accomplish. Because you never gave up on me, I can never give up on you and your hopes and dreams.

I love you!

Amy xoxo

Part of Me

That moment when you realize who truly cares about you and who matters... I heard many quotes today- one being, "God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you. Don't run after them." Today my heart is fragile. "Who am I living for?"
Today people have looked me in the eye and it felt piercing, like an arrow directly into my soul. They all noticed how quiet I was today. I was focused, but I felt nothing was out of place from my normal self. I figured out why I was so quiet- I could not bare giving any more of myself. Every day, I seek to inspire others through whatever it is I am doing. Usually that is through my attitude- it's my nature to be happy and giving. For some reason, my energy today was very internal and only flowed into the projects I was doing and not into the people I was doing them for. Spelling it into words now seems so selfish. I'm not that person.
I do believe in allowing myself time to heal and be me all alone. That includes doing the things I love all on my own. Free from the sometimes selfish expectations of others. Because I am always so giving, people have come to expect that always.
More than those small moments of watching movies by myself with a Coke and popcorn, I enjoy my time with Adam. He is my best friend and I have never met anyone like him. I have not met a kinder man that I understand more than him. He has the most beautiful, deep eyes you have ever seen. I've never touched something deeper than Adam's soul. Mostly he is fun, funny, and completely adores me as much as I do him (probably more). He is my absolute favorite.
Being strong on my own means being strong with Adam. I am so glad I followed that path- the one that made me the strongest and ultimately led me to him.

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?' 

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

I choose to give of myself every single day to people. They matter the most to me. The people that matter most in my life allow me to do what I do best- give. In order to get, you must first give. They are the ones that understand me. They know my intentions are pure and at times am I selfish? Of course because I am not perfect but I am a good person seeking to do good continually. Those are the ones who look past my mistakes and imperfections, accept my apologies and look inside themselves to self improve. Because that is ultimately what I seek to reflect- only light. Until I am perfect, I will always give you part of me.

Amy xoxo

Some of my favorites:

"Who Am I Living For?"
By Katy Perry

Yeah eh yeah yeah

I can feel a phoenix inside of me

As I march alone to a different beat

Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled

Suiting up for my crowning battle

This test is my own cross to bare

But I will get there

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can feel this light that's inside of me

Growing fast into a bolt of lightning

I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther

I need your strength to handle the pressure

I know there will be sacrifice

But that's the price

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?