Today people have looked me in the eye and it felt piercing, like an arrow directly into my soul. They all noticed how quiet I was today. I was focused, but I felt nothing was out of place from my normal self. I figured out why I was so quiet- I could not bare giving any more of myself. Every day, I seek to inspire others through whatever it is I am doing. Usually that is through my attitude- it's my nature to be happy and giving. For some reason, my energy today was very internal and only flowed into the projects I was doing and not into the people I was doing them for. Spelling it into words now seems so selfish. I'm not that person.
I do believe in allowing myself time to heal and be me all alone. That includes doing the things I love all on my own. Free from the sometimes selfish expectations of others. Because I am always so giving, people have come to expect that always.
More than those small moments of watching movies by myself with a Coke and popcorn, I enjoy my time with Adam. He is my best friend and I have never met anyone like him. I have not met a kinder man that I understand more than him. He has the most beautiful, deep eyes you have ever seen. I've never touched something deeper than Adam's soul. Mostly he is fun, funny, and completely adores me as much as I do him (probably more). He is my absolute favorite.
Being strong on my own means being strong with Adam. I am so glad I followed that path- the one that made me the strongest and ultimately led me to him.
“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
I choose to give of myself every single day to people. They matter the most to me. The people that matter most in my life allow me to do what I do best- give. In order to get, you must first give. They are the ones that understand me. They know my intentions are pure and at times am I selfish? Of course because I am not perfect but I am a good person seeking to do good continually. Those are the ones who look past my mistakes and imperfections, accept my apologies and look inside themselves to self improve. Because that is ultimately what I seek to reflect- only light. Until I am perfect, I will always give you part of me.
Amy xoxo
Some of my favorites:
"Who Am I Living For?"
By Katy Perry
Yeah eh yeah yeah
I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah
I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross to bare
But I will get there
It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can feel this light that's inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah
So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that's the price
It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don't let the greatness get you down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don't let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can see the writing on the wall
I can't ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
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