Neon Hope

As I was turning the pages of my sketchbook with my Mother this weekend, I noticed a quote I had written in a curious manner. It was written parallel with the spine of my book as to call attention to it because it is one of my favorite quotes ever:

 "...I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces -- my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful..."

Elizabeth Edwards December 6, 2010
Died December 7, 2010

I love being close to my family. I appreciate their wisdom, but mostly I appreciate their love.

What do you hope for? Do you believe it's silly to hope or do you feel it's an important aspect of everyday life?

I always hope that my family is happy and safe.
I hope for happiness in my own life.
I think about all of my friends who may be struggling and I hope that their desires may be fulfilled.
And then I do something about it.

It is not enough for me to simply hope.
To me, hope is tied directly to faith and I have learned that faith is an action.
Hope coupled with an action leads to miracles and blessings.
And I love me some blessings.

I hope your desires may be fulfilled. Do not wait for your life to get better. No matter the task, we are all capable of hoping and improving our own lives to some degree. Do not be too hard on yourself but do challenge yourself. We all have room to grow.

What will you hope for?

Amy xoxo

Be Brave She Said

Naivety. Indulgence in thoughts that he would come for me. It didn't matter who I was with, he would be the one to pull me away. He always had that affect on me. For years the thought of what we could be because we never truly were, haunted me. I wanted our constantly diverging paths to become one. Our itineraries would sometimes include the same destinations yet in those moments I never felt more distance between us. What created this gap? Certainly it was my ignorance which perpetuated it. Letters written but never sent, phone numbers dialed but never followed by the complete call button. Cowardly nonactions allowing my life to be acted upon.
On Sunday, I spoke with Nancy Gleue for those of you who know her. Bravery was the topic. She is half a century now and said that is one piece of advice she would recommend to us younger ones- be brave.
Taking risks relies heavily on the release of fear. I used to take many risks, just not in productive ways. My productivity has gone up in the past couple of years. I no longer run in circles afraid of the unknown. There is fear in letting go. Sometimes the braver option is to relinquish. That action used to make me feel anxious and even like I was doing something wrong. But the truth is, I moved on a long time ago. It may have taken some time to recognize the shift, but I arrived at one of the correct conclusions. There were many paths I could have chosen and the one I chose wasn't him.  I decided to save myself and stop waiting. I decided to stop delaying my happiness based on past memories. I live in the now.
Amy xoxo
"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” ― William Jennings Bryan

Peaceful Hand

March 2011
"I know that for me, Adam brings me a sense of peace..."
This Sunday, Adam and I drove by the Iceburg in South Salt Lake. He said, do you remember  last time we were here? We sat in the parking lot talking about our relationship. I asked if you had to describe our relationship in one word what would you say? You answered peaceful.
I am grateful for the peace and the assurance that I will receive that peace in my life daily. There have been times I wasn't sure I would wake up to see the next day. Chaotic.
I specifically remember my Father saying to me beginning of 2010, watch the hand of the Lord withdraw from you as you make decisions which are contrary to his plan.
I don't worry about the Lord's hand withdrawing from my life anymore. It is my daily choice to hold it which strengthens and enables me.

Amy xoxo

I Must Create It

Written Friday, October 26, 2012

My last day at work. It was a weird day. I am glad to be my own boss now and pursue my own interests. I came home and started moving my room around and going through my closet. I moved my bed (it's on wheels) and one of the wheels snapped and now it's broken. I stood there in the middle of my torn up room, looked at my broken 3 wheeled bed and wanted so deeply to cry. I wanted to cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.  I stood there, tears welling in my eyes and none would fall. I still haven't given myself permission to cry. In moments of surprise and despair I do give myself the courtesy of a few tears but I feel absolutely weak in those subtle breakdowns. I need to give myself permission to feel again. It's only human to feel something- ANYTHING. And I know I do feel but it would be a sweet release to cry again because that would mean I am free from what is really holding me back there.
For now, I am glad to start on another one of my great adventures. Change is a good thing and I am determined to put my talents to good use.
Back sometime around February of 2010, I met with my friends Lance and Dagen at Cannella's. Fitting because that's where my sister and I would spend some of our summer nights eating out with Cindy and John. Lance and Dagen didn't know then how much their words impacted me. I listened to everything they had to say and I knew then that I would make a position for myself. I mean that in so many ways. Now is my time to create my dream position for myself. I can do whatever I want with my time. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it finally feels good to taste it in such length.

Amy xoxo

Be the Change

I know what it's like to have a past. Sometimes I look ahead and see how easy my path will be now that I have had to endure hard things all before I was even 25. I don't often find myself feeling badly about the life I once had because it has given me the one I have now. When I do feel pain from my past, I have found that it is best to tell myself, "That is an old story". I recognize what I am feeling so that I feel validated, but then I can move on. I do move on.
I wasn't planning on telling you this story again, but I feel like it's an important one. I have found that I give purpose to things and even to people when I genuinely take an interest in them.
When I was in my early tweens, I had a cat named Claira. Everyone in my family thought of her as a brat cat. She would hiss and scratch at anyone in her way. I made a conscious decision to go out of my way to be nice to her- even when she was behaving badly. She would glare at me if I got in her path or even near her but I took the challenge and would get down on her level and cuddle up close to her. She bit me and clawed me a few times but eventually she knew that I was never giving up and I would never leave her. I would always be there to give her love. We became best friends. There would be times that I was uncomfortable in my current position in my bed but I wouldn't budge because I didn't want to disrupt Claira, silly I know.
The point I am trying to make is that it doesn't matter what you find important, just find something. I may love butterflies and you may see no point in studying or even looking at them. I can tell you that one of the most important investments with our time involve people. There are people who may even resist our love but that doesn't mean they don't deserve it. If you feel like you aren't getting through to someone, stop trying to solve your own agenda and start helping them with theirs.
I don't know about you, but it's always easier for me to connect with someone when I see just how transparent they are. I thrive on honesty and consideration. And that is your challenge this week- determine who in your life needs the most love. Be a mirror and think and act truthfully so that others may feel safe to do the same.

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


Amy xoxo

Brick by Brick

"I like your hair."
"I like your face."

This was how my conversation started with Aleeha. Obviously that is exactly how to spell her name because I am an expert name-speller-outter.

Adam and I took a concealed firearm class in order to get our permit a few weeks ago. After, we went to one of the best burger places ever- Smashburger. They have these Rosemary fries... oh, and the caramel shake... yum!
I went to the restroom before our food arrived and there she was- Aleeha- waiting in line to enter the restroom. Instead of an awkward silence between us, she took the initiative and broke the distance separating us as stranger and acquaintance.

Aleeha: I like your hair. (I have red hair and yes, it is really cool)
Amy: I like your face. (Because her face was painted like a butterfly, not because I am rude)
Aleeha: My name is Aleeha, what's yours?
Amy: Amy. Aleeha, that is a very pretty name. So where did you get your butterfly painted at? I love butterflies.
Aleeha: Thank you! I got it at the Autism Speaks event. I have Autism, that's why I went.
Amy: Oh! Well it looks like you had a lot of fun.
Aleeha: Yeah! I did. They had a bouncy castle and contests with prizes. I won a lot of the contests because I am good. See? (She holds up her medal to me which is around her neck)
Amy: So cool! Good job! (Door opens to the restroom)
Aleeha: Well, it was really nice to meet you Amy.
Amy: It was nice to meet you too Aleeha.

And for that moment, I felt like she was one of the truest friends I have ever had. Honest, pure and attentive- all of the things I look for in friends but not surprisingly find lacking most of the time.

I know if you want something, first you have to give it. If I expect honesty and truth from others, that is what I must live fully.
So here are a few things I've been holding back on a bit-

I don't just talk about Jesus, I actually study and apply what he teaches into my own life. I don't worry about others excessively or to the point where I try to intervene when I am not wanted- only when it is a dangerous situation where abuse is involved or implied.

I hate being forgotten. Do you ever feel that way? And I'm sure I've made people feel this way before and I am sorry. Maybe I didn't call you when I said I would. Maybe I promised you I would hang out with you and I didn't. Again, I'm sorry. Or maybe you are sitting there saying, you just don't talk to me anymore so surely you have forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten you. With that said know this: many of the actions of others have nothing to do with us personally. This is something I am learning. But sometimes it still hurts.

The source of my strength comes from the pain I have endured. Like a Phoenix, I have learned that is where my greatest growth has come from- the source and then the journey. Some self-induced pain? Absolutely. I learn best from personal experience. But I don't know anyone who ever asks to be abused. What is done is done, choices and all. The person I am now has come from many choices and I wouldn't take away any personal ones. With this pain, I have helped others and if that is all that I ever do, then I will be a great person. I'm working on it.

Amy xoxo

Marley!

My roommate and I have a new addition! Her name is Marley. She's about 9 weeks old in these photos. She is feisty, playful and a joy to have in our apartment. Here are a few pictures of her and what I have been up to including getting my room cleaned, hanging photos, posters, etc. and making Marley a kitty home!

Amy xoxo

Solar Show

I am currently visiting with a physical therapist to help me with my leg. I was diagnosed by a sports medicine doctor last fall with Iliotibial band syndrome (IT band). I stopped running then for three reasons. One, my doctor told me to. Two, it was painful to keep running- even a mile hurt. Three, I didn't need to keep running because I was ready to face every emotion I was feeling. Running helped me get over my break-up with Adam and helped me to become more assertive. I just couldn't stay away for too long! I love running too much and it's something I have always had a desire to develop. I finally got steady insurance starting this month beginning of August so I decided to take advantage of those benefits (good girl I can hear my mother saying).
Sitting in a doctor's office with no one else there except the two of you, you get to talking about many things. Almost in an act of deliberate desperation, my physical therapist brought up the fact that he needed help! He was in the doghouse because he forgot his wedding anniversary of 42 years. His wife was ticked! She didn't understand how he could forget. He asked me, what should I do? I didn't even have to think, the answer was on my lips as I opened my mouth. I asked him if he had ever read The Five Love Languages? He said he hadn't and I described them to him. I encouraged him by telling him, obviously you are doing something right to be married for 42 years, so don't feel too down on yourself! But I told him to go home with a love note written to his wife. I told him not to hold anything back, it needed to be really sappy and dripping with sweet love. He laughed and asked me what should it say? It should say I told him, Honey, I want to read this book (The Five Love Languages) with you. This book isn't for you, it is for me because I am the one who needs to learn from it, but please come on this journey with me. I want to do something with you which will make us grow together... So right now his wife is feeling rejected. She wants to feel justified in her feelings and she wants to feel loved. Maybe she needs to read this book more than him- fine. But she will learn regardless of what he says to her before they read it. He might as well except his part in forgetting their anniversary and say sorry. The quicker he accepts responsibility and says sorry and tries to make it better, the quicker they can both move on.
Within 5 minutes of our conversation (I was the on a machine getting some treatment so he wasn't neglecting me or anything) he bought the book and accepted everything I had suggested. He seemed happy there was a resolution in sight. I felt good because helping people is what I like to do! We'll see what happens with that situation. I am thinking a column like "Dear Amy" has a nice ring to it ;)

Two Fridays ago (August 17th) I was walking home from the gym. Yes, Friday and I was at the gym. Ugh, so as I was walking home, my friend Zak was outside. The perfect excuse to stop moving and take a rest! I found out he was going on a 24 hour trip down south with some friends. It was fun to catch up but I had to get going to a wedding reception (Julee's). I walked home and plopped on Adam's couch and relished the sweetness of the cushions and my butt becoming one. Good thing I realized that my friend Megs invited me to an art show and the only time I could go was, well NOW. I couldn't do it after the reception- too late in the P.M. So I got up, dressed up cute (because we all know cute clothes and art was the only thing getting me off of that couch... chocolate ice cream wasn't available...) and met Megs. I love living downtown because I can walk anywhere! We walked to the art gallery and we found out the girl showing her work was not only a super incredible artist, but this was her first solo showing. Megs bought a print and I am in the process of hopefully buying one. I say that because the print I want hasn't been made yet. The painting was bought that night but it hasn't been decided if a print will be made... But it was the best piece there and I usually get what I want so I think based on those two facts, I will buy a print. Here's an interview and some of her work if you are interested:

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/blog-70-6110-emily-hart-wood.html

Back to Zak. Did you think that was a meaningless detail? Not at all. So fast foward. Art show a success with Megs. Walk back home. Drive to Julee's beautiful reception. See Julee happy. I see Julee happy. I am happy. I see food. I eat food. I am happier. I am nicer to Adam. Go to bed. Saturday morning breakfast with Adam. City Creek. Airport to see Hannah. She goes to Africa to help orphans. She almost cries. I am happy and scared for her. Drive back home. Babysit for some extra $. The kids love me. Get back in time time to kiss Adam and say goodbye again.
Now we are to the point of this story.
As I was getting in my car to go see my friend Jess who was in town (I haven't seen her since NC 2009) I see Zak and friends unloading his car down the street. I pull up and honk my horn and scare them. I love scaring people. Is that mean? If it's wrong, I don't want to be right. Zak tells me to stop driving and pull over, he wants to tell me something. I pull over. He comes over and tells me he had a dream about me last night. Remember- Zak doesn't know anything about my stroll to the art gallery. Zak tells me in the dream I has my first solo art opening and it went very well- I was super successful. But right after that, I died...

But how cool would that be? Dying doing something I love... Adam doesn't want me to die and made me promise when I have my first solo art show that I won't die. I promised him. Ok, ok. I will just have to die doing something else WAY cooler. Like climbing an Egyptian pyramid or something (insert clever but cool way to die here). I guess I don't really care too much about dying. I'm too busy living.

Amy xoxo

Happy Birthday Mama

To my Mom.

Get out the tissues now.
You have been my best friend since adolescence. Your wisdom transcends decades and it has been a constant in my life. I don't think you are prefect- in fact that was a big moment for me in college when I realized you were also a person- not just my parent. I know you have hopes and dreams of your own. I know some of those have been passed on to my sister and me. Every day I am here, I keep you in mind to make you and Daddy proud of me. I am now in the best place I have ever been in my life. You gave me those tools- those roots. If not for you, I would have never gone to counseling. You taught me to look at life in a positive way. Yes, this life can be lonely and bleak, but with family close, it is always sweet. You taught me not to fight with those whom I love, because they are my most precious gift. Because you told me life isn't fair, I work hard everyday to have the life I want even when the very forces of Hell are working against me.
You tucked me in bed every night. You showed me you cared, that I was your most precious gift. You always made me feel welcomed, loved and wanted. I know there was much of my childhood when you were sick but you still made sure I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted.
I don't know a Mom that cared more about her daughters than you did. I have been blessed so much having you as my Mother. You honored me. You not only showed me love, but you cultivated my talents to such a degree that now, I get to use those talents everyday. I know how to love because of you. I am glad to call you Mother and friend. I can't wait to see what new things you get to accomplish. Because you never gave up on me, I can never give up on you and your hopes and dreams.

I love you!

Amy xoxo

Part of Me

That moment when you realize who truly cares about you and who matters... I heard many quotes today- one being, "God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you. Don't run after them." Today my heart is fragile. "Who am I living for?"
Today people have looked me in the eye and it felt piercing, like an arrow directly into my soul. They all noticed how quiet I was today. I was focused, but I felt nothing was out of place from my normal self. I figured out why I was so quiet- I could not bare giving any more of myself. Every day, I seek to inspire others through whatever it is I am doing. Usually that is through my attitude- it's my nature to be happy and giving. For some reason, my energy today was very internal and only flowed into the projects I was doing and not into the people I was doing them for. Spelling it into words now seems so selfish. I'm not that person.
I do believe in allowing myself time to heal and be me all alone. That includes doing the things I love all on my own. Free from the sometimes selfish expectations of others. Because I am always so giving, people have come to expect that always.
More than those small moments of watching movies by myself with a Coke and popcorn, I enjoy my time with Adam. He is my best friend and I have never met anyone like him. I have not met a kinder man that I understand more than him. He has the most beautiful, deep eyes you have ever seen. I've never touched something deeper than Adam's soul. Mostly he is fun, funny, and completely adores me as much as I do him (probably more). He is my absolute favorite.
Being strong on my own means being strong with Adam. I am so glad I followed that path- the one that made me the strongest and ultimately led me to him.

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?' 

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

I choose to give of myself every single day to people. They matter the most to me. The people that matter most in my life allow me to do what I do best- give. In order to get, you must first give. They are the ones that understand me. They know my intentions are pure and at times am I selfish? Of course because I am not perfect but I am a good person seeking to do good continually. Those are the ones who look past my mistakes and imperfections, accept my apologies and look inside themselves to self improve. Because that is ultimately what I seek to reflect- only light. Until I am perfect, I will always give you part of me.

Amy xoxo

Some of my favorites:

"Who Am I Living For?"
By Katy Perry

Yeah eh yeah yeah

I can feel a phoenix inside of me

As I march alone to a different beat

Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled

Suiting up for my crowning battle

This test is my own cross to bare

But I will get there

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can feel this light that's inside of me

Growing fast into a bolt of lightning

I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther

I need your strength to handle the pressure

I know there will be sacrifice

But that's the price

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the frontline when the bombs start to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

No One

I've had a lot of questions swirling in my mind lately. Mostly I am at peace in my every day life but I feel like with peace, contentment can easily follow. But really, how do people have a full time job, workout, eat right, and have successful relationships? It's a hard balance for me.
This week I started working out every day. I am active every day because of my job but I don't feel like it's enough. I like to run at least a mile every day because running clears my mind and centers my purpose. It's me time and I feel like that's something everyone needs. I also feel like with me getting into more of a routine, doing more of my art would allow me to open my creative mind and be more explorative (DUH, right?). So I need to set more time aside for that.
I had an eye-opening experience this week. I saw my friend Chris on Saturday. We dated for a bit in college... yes, that Chris. Just wanted to get you up to speed. He said I've been spoiled my whole life when it has come to guys loving me. I am not as easily offended anymore and especially not when someone says something which it truthful about me. It has always been easy for me to fall in love and to be loved by others. But why is that?
My friend Courtney and I have always admired things about each other. She admires my ability to love and be loved. I admire her intelligence and career path. We are both so different but we appreciate what we have and what we can learn from one another. We have both grown so much from when we first met each other! We watched Midnight in Paris last night. Ah, Pair-ee. So gorgeous. I'm sure it's the fantasy I am in love with. Once I get there and the rose-colored glasses have been removed from my memory I am sure I will be flooded with a sad dose of reality.

I've been having weird dreams lately. One I had earlier this week was about a couple I knew a while back. I was actually great friends with them when I was married. In my dream, they got divorced. I asked them what happened and she was quick to respond with, "Well, he was only boyfriend material. When we were married, it was like we were dating." In my dream it made sense to me, but awake that perspective only confuses me. Then, to make it worse I was dating her ex-husband. It was like we were best friends, not dating. So is that what she meant when she was trying to talk to me about the failure of their relationship? It was weird. I have never felt a romantic connection to this dude btw.
Then, this morning I dreamt about a white cat. I could communicate to this cat without words. It was always around me whenever I went. I went outside one night and there was a tiger in the distance near my old house in Phoenix (near the condos if you know where those are located across the street). So I took the cat and hid in a neighbor's front yard down the cul-de-sac. I wished for a blanket and then BOOM I had one (Adam hates the word BOOM for some reason. Maybe it sounds like something a cocky guy would say? But I am not a guy so he should get over it.).

A lot of thoughts, but you didn't come here for boringness.

Amy xoxo

Mustache Sweater

I work in the coolest shops this floorset. Within the store I work at, we have different concepts and we usually refer to them as shops or sections. For example, there may be a cowgirl shop and a rocker chick shop and a 70s girl shop and so on. I have a shop called Geek Chic. Now to some, it may seem like a mix up of stripes, conversation print and puke, but it calls to my inner child. It reminds me of how I used to dress when I was in elementary school- print on print and rocking it. It's back to school shopping season and the store hasn't been lacking in customers lately. There was a mother/daughter duo walking together when the daughter, about age 13, stopped to fondle a sweater with a mustache on it. Anyone cool knows that mustaches have been in for a few years now. Whether you can grow one or wear one, they are in. She exclaimed with delight and held up the sweater to show her mother. In disgust, her mother said, "Ew, NO!" 

I know this is not an earth shattering scenario that I should concern myself with, but I still learned something. I don't think I am an uptight person and I certainly hope I won't be an uptight mother. This girl is 13 years old. She picked out a sweater, a perfectly respectable sweater, and this mother shot her daughter down because of her personal taste (which may or may not be bad). I want to give my kids boundaries when it comes to things like safety, but not when it comes to creativity. Give respect to earn respect. LET THE GIRL WEAR HER MUSTACHE SWEATER.

Thank you. The End.

Can't Buy Love

This story is about clothes Chris, but it goes much deeper so you may want to stick around.

I may have told you this before. Once you buy something like Nikes, you never go back to Payless. I remember my first pair of Nikes. Cindy bought them for me in Park City. They were all white except for the blue swoosh on the sides. I was amazed at how comfortable and let's be honest- how stylish they were! ;)

In her early 20's, unable to buy anything more than the basics for herself, my mother was taken to a department store by her sister Linda. Linda let my mom pick out whatever she wanted. When you can afford to do that for someone else, I think you gain more pleasure out of it than the person on the receiving end. This is one of the reasons I want to be wealthy. I want to help people with my money. But that is not where I am going with this story.

When I was say, 8? my auntie Linda did the same thing for Liisa and me. She took us to Nordstrom and told us to pick out 5 outfits each. I wasn't thinking about cost then, but I knew what she was doing was out of the ordinary. More than anything, I loved spending that time with her and my sister.

Last week, I took Serra out shopping for school clothes and it's her 16th birthday coming up soon. I've gotten her a few gifts already, but if it's one thing I feel strongly about- it's clothing. There is something powerful walking into school on the first day wearing a new outfit that was chosen just for you. I don't think I am setting Serra up for her future by buying her clothes. I give her something much more meaningful than shopping trips- I give her me.

It does not matter your economic status for we all have an equal amount of time in a day, 24 hours. We all choose to spend our time if different ways. Some squander their time here, others cherish every single precious moment they have.

My greatest gift I can give you is not my money, but it is my time. For if I give you my time, you shall then know that that is when I truly love you.

I just want you to know I have been thinking about you Auntie. You are one of the greatest woman I know. I only have fond memories of you and it is because of your direct influence that I am a successful woman today. I love you Auntie Linda!

Amy xoxo

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part three

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day.  I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me today. There were a lot of roadblocks in my way which were preventing me from attending the temple. Just so you know there are good things I like about you- you spell very well. My anger towards you has subsided a bit. It's good to see you making progress. I have been making some as well. I feel like I have a lot to say tonight as well but all of my thoughts are random jumbles. Let me say this- I don't trust you. Bottom line, the thought of being alone with you is scary because I don't know if you will hurt me or not. That is not a healthy relationship. I have held out hope for you and I feel like that is why I have stayed with you for so long. I have faith anyone can change- I just don't know if I can wait for you. One side of me says- Eternity... I will wait for you forever- my husband is worth it. Another side says no, I'm sorry- you already had your chances and you blew it with me. I don't regret marrying you. So far I have learned a great deal about myself. I know what I am capable of. I am a lot stronger now than at the beginning of our relationship. Good and bad. I hate crying in front of you because you have made fun of me for doing so before. That will probably never change. And because of that- I have a wall built up between us. I will never be willing to break that wall down. This is just a sliver of the damage you have done. This is the price. In a way, you have directly created who I am today. I am not damaged beyond the point of repairs, but I am not whole. That is sad. I was given to you- call me a present. But you abused me and took me for granted. You don't know how much pain you have caused me. I am not prefect by any means- but I certainly haven't come close to affecting you nearly as negatively as you have to me. That is sad. We are not equals. It's going to take a while to be with you if that's what is going to happen and I don't know if I'm willing to follow you on that journey.

Amy

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part two

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

 He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

 No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us now for the mistakes we have made in the past. I believe in these words yet I have not fully forgiven you. I know I will soon. I am mad at you for the hurt you have caused me and inflicted upon me, but it is not unforgivable. I do not know to what extent you have told the new Bishop what you have physically and emotionally done to me- but all I can know is that yes, the things you have continued to do are reasons for me to leave. You have pulled knives out and held them to your throat and threatened to kill yourself on many (several) occasions. I can remember going to bed those nights afraid if you were ever going to pull a knife out on me. I cannot go back to the past again. It is not only painful, but it is unsafe for me to do so. I need to forgive you so we can both move forward with our lives and heal. I know I have been a patient wife, friend, lover and woman when it came to you. I know I have done everything I could to be the best for you. I treated you so well and I didn't always get that same treatment back from you. Patience has been something I have practiced in our marriage and I feel like it is not something I need to practice any longer- you have ended our marriage by continuing your controlling and abusive behavior.  Of course I have contributed to the outcome of our relationship as well. When I think of faults I have or the parts I played in our decline- they are hard for me not to admit- but to find. I have felt truly devoted to you. But I haven't found that to be the case with you. There were always friends you wanted to hang out with more than just you and me. When I would ask you if I could just be with you- it was always a hassle and a struggle. Sorry- not always but most of the time. You would want it your way. This journal isn't a way for me to tell you how awful you were- because we did have some good times and you were good to me at times- but I want you to understand my feelings, thoughts, and actions. I know you may not understand everything now, but you will. That's what's so sad for me. Now you say you're willing to change but it's too late- I don't trust you and I don't feel safe with you even though I am so close to forgiving you. Forgiveness and feeling safety and trust around you are not linked. I know it will be hard to be divorced from you because of the good times we had. It feels weird to say 'divorced'. I think that's the way I am leaning towards but I want to be sure. Tomorrow I plan on attending the temple- SLC. I have never been and what better way then to go there where our eternal partnership started. I feel like it will take a miracle to repair us- our relationship together. When I am on my own- I feel free to make the decisions that are the best for me. Sometimes when I am with you- I feel like you make selfish decisions that effect both of us. It feels good to have a choice. Right now I can do anything I want. No one to tell me my dreams are not important and can't come true.

Amy

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part one

Hey, guess what I found? Something juicy for you, painful but liberating for me! What could it be? A note... I write this now because I can. Whenever I think that maybe my writing won't help anyone, I think again. Because what if... it does?

***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***

Monday, September 14th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,


I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-

Amy

A look at more to come...

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,


No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,


Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...


Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.

Amy xoxo

I am happy for you

Really <3

Mother and Daughter

One of Adam's best friends is JR. He met JR on his mission but they should have met much earlier than that. They both graduated from the same high school, the same year and didn't know each other. They are very different, but their common thread is the gospel which brought them together. We had the opportunity to visit JR and his beautiful wife Whitney in San Diego for my birthday last year. We had an amazing time in the pleasant San Diego weather seeing all of the sights and spending time with friends. This past Sunday, JR's little sister Ali was able to give her mission homecoming talk. She served in the Washington DC North mission which also includes being a missionary at the temple visitor's center. She shared some great stories and facts about her mission, but more than anything the presence of the Spirit was strong there. It was during this talk that I noticed the family sitting not too far in front of us. The mother was attractive, in her 30s and had brown hair. The daughter had a short blonde bob and a precociousness about her. These two likenesses reminded me of my Mother and me. I saw the mother stroking her daughter's hair. In and out her fingers went from back to front through the short blonde locks. I was transported to a past world where I was 6 again. My mother would stroke my hair at church and she often scratched my back. Sometimes I would be afraid to move because I didn't want it to end. It didn't matter how uncomfortable my position was, I was feeling much more pleasure from my mother's hands across my back or in my hair. I felt a connection with this family. Then my perspective changed when I saw the rest of the family- something I had failed to see before. This young girl had younger sisters. A mini-me version of her and a younger baby sister. She cooed in her baby sister's face until she would get the desired reaction of a smile or a laugh. I too felt that kind of love from my sister. She was always showing me love. I thought about how it was Mother's day and I felt happy to have my Mother but I also felt sad for others who I knew didn't have theirs. I thought deeply about the people in my life who have been mothers to me. This experience allowed me to reflect about the woman who have shapped me. I thought about Gladys, my mother and I thought about Cindy, my second mom. But mostly, I thought about my sister. Most of the ways my Mother has shapped me came early on in my life and I cannot remember, but I can thank her for who I am today for she set me on a righteous path. I do remember many experiences I shared with my sister. When people like my Mom or Cindy were absent from my life due to illness or distance, my sister was there. She didn't always like to be around me because let's face it, I am younger and more annoying, but she was always there. When my sister left for college, it killed me to know she was far away having such life changing experiences without me. It wasn't because I was jealous, it was because I missed her. I was having my own high school experiences, but college was so much more grown up. It seemed more permanent. Maybe I felt like I would never be able to bridge the miles between us again. But that time away from my sister allowed me to step out of her protection and into a deeper relationship with my mother. I know that sounds funny, like my Mom wasn't there to guide and protect me, she was, just in a different way. This time between just my Mother and me allowed us to step into a more mature relationship and I believe it is what allowed us to become friends. And the time spent away from my sister allowed me to appreciate my relationship with her a lot more. I knew what I was missing. Now, miles constantly separate us. It doesn't bother me anymore. I know that love transcends all obstacles. Our hearts beat with the same blood. We all come from the same source. And when I feel that desperate ache to see their faces, I look in the mirror and see their love reflecting. Amy xoxo

Stamping Up

"And on this very large estate lived a small girl. And life was pleasant there and very, very simple. But, then one day, the girl grew up and went beyond the walls of the grounds and found the world."

And today that girl is me and I am her. It feels scary to be an adult, responsibilities and all. But I am so happy that a little tear came to my eye. I opened my own Etsy store today! My profile name is Amy Sarene and my shop name is From: Francis and Evelyn. Those are my parent's middle names. Adam thought of the 'from' part because I am their literal offspring. It's was also fun to expand on that more and use that as a springboard for my theme. My shop will have a vintage stamp/letter/postcard theme. The theme echoes back to my love of stamps. My interest was first piqued when my Father showed me his stamp collection, I believe when I was a teenager. I didn't think too much about it then. In 2007, I had the privilege of living in Virginia during the 400th anniversary of Jamestown. My family came out from Phoenix and we went to the historical sites together. It was one of our best family trips. I bought some Jamestown stamps as souvenirs, not thinking much about them. It was the popular choice- I think Liisa and my Mom were buying some too. I am glad I listened to them! I have learned they are usually always right ;) So I bought the stamps. Then, a few years ago, I asked my Dad about his stamp collection. I think it came to my mind because of my divorce. My ex husband was a pretty crappy Priesthood holder, and I often thought about my Father during my marriage. My Dad was a sort of gauge for me because he treated my Mother and my sister and I so well. So needless to say, growing up and still to this day, I look up to my Father. I respect him and love him so much. I think I wanted to have a piece of him, a way of connecting with him after he left this earth. Even thought I haven't touched the stamp collection much, I keep it safe. I know one day I will be ready to dive into that project and start the process of becoming a stamp collector. For now, I have my Dad and my whole family. That's what matters to me. Living in the now.

And please don't judge me. I woke up at 4am this morning. I am sure there are hideous typos. And let's face it- any 6th grade child who spells 'solve' wrong is bound to get a few words wrong.

Amy xoxo

My past is where I come from and my future is where I am going

In order to know me, you must know my parents.
My Dad, the genius. His whit is charming and always makes me laugh- even when no one else thinks he's funny. I do. He is calm on the outside and a ticking clock on the inside. My Mom, the go-getter. She is always right, always dreaming, always accomplishing. She cries to know her daughters are happy and weeps when they are not.
My past does not dictate who I am today but it does define much of who I am. I am grateful for all of my struggles for I do not wish to be that naive girl anymore. I relish in those struggles because I view them as triumphs. I am ready to tell my story. The fear I once had talking about my story isn't fear anymore, it's a feeling of freedom- of letting go. I am inching along another cliff. This one is the highest one I've climbed before. It's when I took a leap into the rabbit hole. It's like lighting a candle. You're playing with fire but in the end, you know your candle will be lit. You will light that wick even if it's a stub! You must. You did. And no one can blow out your fire.

Amy xoxo

A bowling ball

A few months ago I started having dreams about a baby. I didn't tell anyone at first because they weren't frequent and well, I am 27 and not married- these dreams couldn't possibly be about MY future child. I instantly knew it was about my sister. I was sure of it then. I went to the temple last month and had a unique experience there. I vaguely expressed what had happened to Adam because the experience was so foreign and abstract to me. Not that babies are necessarily foreign, they are a little, but I mean to say that the experience in that moment in the temple was very abstract and wasn't clearly expressed to me so how could I in turn express that experience to another? I don't think I was necessarily meant to. But again, I felt like something was whispering to me of a future child to come into my life. I immediately thought of my sister.

The idea of me having children is always something I have suppressed in order to pursue other things. Not to say having children is not a worthy goal- something I know I will be able to achieve in this life or the next and I will be joyed! Of course I want to be a mother, I have never seen my life deviating from that course. But I always pictured myself having kids later on in life. And I was right! Let's face it, I'm not having a kid when I'm 27- it could be possible at age 28. By my standards, I am feeling great about where I am at as far as my age and not having kids quite yet.

I had another baby dream last night. I was at the SLC airport but in the parking garage under The Gateway mall. Every turn into another row of parking revealed a black sign with white writing above the row of vehicles. Every turn of my vehicle (I was in a truck) revealed my last name with the number two next to it. It was like crossing a cattle guard and having the sign reveal how many people in the vehicle there were. Two. But there was only me? I remember parking and exiting and my Mom came to me. She put both of her hands on my belly. I looked down and saw I was extremely pregnant. But it took my Mother acknowledging my status to clue me in to this fact. Two.

Amy xoxo

Local collector

You have no idea how many started posts I have in my queue waited to be posted... a lot. For a time I needed to stay inside myself. The only person I can work on is myself but I still hope I can inspire others with my experiences. Yes, it may be true that each of us have a distorted image of ourselves- we think our lives are more interesting than they really are. Everyone has an opinion and that's what makes this world so great- that we all have our agency to think, feel and act how we want to. But that's what I am doing now, writing because I would rather act than be acted upon. I feel what I share may not be important 100% of the time, but 5% is good enough for me. And really, why do some of us keep personal journals? Sometimes it's not for anyone else to see. Sometimes we just need to write.

The sound of crunching rocks beneath my Dad's feet has been a sound I've come to recognize since I was little. Every morning without fail, my Father would get out of bed at an awful hour of the morning to deliver newspapers. His footsteps would sound as he walked across the rocks... A handful of times I thought it would be fun to go to work with him... you can imagine how disappointed I was at my discovery that a paper-route wasn't fun. More than that disappointment, that was when I started to discover just how much my Father sacrificed for our family- for me. To this day his lack of sleep all of those years has stolen valuable pieces of him which he cannot get back. It's a reminder to me every time he forgets something or has trouble putting a simple sentence together. My Father is a genius. I can only imagine his frustration with himself now in his older years. But to me, he will always be my hero.

I was recently reminded of his sacrifice by the sound of crunching rocks underneath our feet together. It was our last walk together and coincidentally, it was the last few minutes of our walk on our way home. I never feel like Phoenix is my home anymore, but my home is where my family is. That is where I feel like myself- that is where I feel like a whole person more than ever. And as nice as it is to walk with my family beside me, they have all given me the strength to go on by myself.

I know I have posted this before, but it is one of my favorite pieces:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

"The Road Not Taken"

Amy xoxo

My ultimate

A few weeks ago, I was talking with Ben, Hannah, and Adam. We were in the basement probably watching some awesome show. Ben was talking about his ultimate girl (one he has known for years from school) when Adam was prompted to ask me, "Who is hottest guy you have ever come across?" Without hestitation I knew my answer and said it way too fast- Derek Ress. I think I hurt his feelings a bit but I knew his answer certainly wouldn't me. Am I justifying my answer? I will say that most times, I don't intentionally hurt people. Hurting people intentionally is something I have tried to steer clear of because it's such passive-aggressive behavior. It's cowardly and it's a slap in the face. I am sure there are people who think I do things intentionally to hurt them, but I can assure you, that is not who I am. But like I said, I am not perfect and I do things sometimes which do hurt others. Sorry, that was a tangent.

Derek Ress. Yes. He was yummy. If you knew him, you would think so too. Take the good looks of Brad Pitt and multiply them by 2. Then add some Red Vines and Dr. Pepper and you have a complete package. Yes, that was him. I think hearing that he was hotter than Brad Pitt had Adam discounting my accuracy. But I assure you, opinions aside- I KNOW I AM RIGHT. I wish I had a picture of him. Maybe that would be detrimental to my relationship with my future husband but at least then my credibility would be established to such a degree that you would believe me in any future circumstance. BELIEVE ME- he was that good looking. But I would pass up that 2x Brad Pitt Derek Ress any day for someone who will treat me with respect, acceptance, and love. Remember that Brad.

Amy xoxo

"Sleep To Dream Her"
by Dave Matthews Band

I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh, I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh, I came there to find out
Find out she'd made up her mind, oh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

This space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now

It seemed so unnerving
Still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here, oh

Oh, I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes

Cash stash

"I'm really sick of this test." That's what I said to myself as I opened the compartment which revealed hundreds of dollars.

Stealing has never been a problem or a temptation for me. My parents established with me early on that lying and stealing go hand in hand. Lying is one of my pet peeves. I hate deception. Not to be confused with the movie Inception because that is a great movie.

At my current job, it would be easy to steal a lot of items. But to me, losing my soul isn't worth some trinket I can live without.

Tonight, I was closing up the store and found this secret money tucked away. Why are you doing this to me Satan? Or could it be from you Heavenly Father? Either way, both sides are interested in what I will do.

I will be in control of my actions. I will control what happens to me as much as possible. Even when I have said this in the past, I felt like I was making choice after choice soley because I was on the path of one action- like when I chose not to be LDS for a time. That one choice led me down a path where I thought all of my actions after that were choices in the moment but in reality, they were because of one initial choice not to be LDS. I don't want to make a choice now, say to steal and then have some of my other actions after that be from out of guilt or shame- to lie about what I have done.

It's a lot easier to do your best, to fall short and say, I am sorry, I have tried and learned and I will do better next time than to say, sorry I knew better but chose to be selfish and petty and I chose wrong.

Amy xoxo

“People do not lack strength, they lack will.”
by Victor Hugo

The power of a glance

http://society6.com/product/Lilly-Byx_Print

Can anyone tell me this is not lovely?

That is all I have to say for today.

Amy xoxo

“The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.”

by Victor Hugo

Many start, few finish

I finished the Hunger Games trio. All three books were appealing to me in different ways. The progression of the story was interesting. The books progress much like life. For example, did you think your life would be where it is now? Probably not. We all have expectations of our lives and that is not to say we don't have happy and great lives it's just that our lives took paths which we didn't know they would travel. These books are so true to life in general. The story has many twists and turns and some are not pretty. And when our lives take those twists and turns, it's about dealing with them and learning to be happy. This life is a training center on how to be happy. I am not claiming it's soley about that, but all roads lead there.

Amy xoxo

"A Twist In My Story"
by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, say what's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you
This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Heart open

Sometimes we judge and are concerned about others, but those are the moments when we should take a step back and access our own lives. When we view our own weakenesses, we are vulnerable and this can be difficult. Many people fear change. The only thing we should fear is sin and even that is something we shouldn't focus on. Change happens despite our feelings about it. The best thing to do in life is to accept the things we cannot change and have a good attitude about the things we cannot. I am not perfect and it's something I am very open about. I make mistakes daily. The key is to acknowledging those mistakes and making the changes necessary to make the situation better including improving one's own life. I grateful for my opportunity to apply the Atonement to my life daily.

Amy xoxo

"Hands Open"
by Snow Patrol

It's hard to argue when
you won't stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it
keeps digging my own grave with my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my...

Hands open and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
that your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

[x2]

Put Sufjan Stevens on
and we'll play your favorite song
"Chicago" bursts to life and your
sweet smile remembers you, my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

[x3]

Intertwined

It ready does suck the fun out of life when I'm sick. I didn't have to work until 3 so I was able to go to a new lunch spot with Adam, get a lot of reading done and rest. I am now on the third book of the Hunger Games. WARNING do not read the rest of this post if you have not read the books and are planning to. I am just over 100 pages of the book. So far Haymitch has turned out to be a big disappointment. I'm hoping there is some sort of big secret about him and a reason for him acting like such a jerk! I don't think Katniss would choose Gale over Peeta with everything that her and Peeta have been through. Katniss and Gale seem more like best friends and Peeta and Katniss seem more suited for each other as partners.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I am grateful for my fortunate accidents. No matter what happens to me in the future, this is who I want to be with. This kind of love to me is lasting. I feel like this is where I am headed.

Amy xoxo

"Always You"
by Ingrid Michaelson

I wait in the rain but I don’t complain because I wait for you
I don’t feel pain, you’re like novocain, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

Time and again I thought that the end was just around the bend
You but showed me there’s more, I got more in store, and I got you

It was always you
It was always you

It was always you
It was always you

Decades of not getting sick

The first day of my weekend! I was able to run a few errands and I even met up with Susan and Serra at one of my favorite stores downtown- Decades. Now working retail- I get it. I GET IT when you become irritated when a customer picks something up and puts it in the wrong place. Serra was trying on shoes for her school dance tomorrow. She is a considerate girl in public places. This is the girl who goes out of her way to be nice. I was with her- I saw her picking up shoes, trying them on and putting them back in their appropriate spots. So how come after Serra left, the Decades associates felt the need to complain about her trying shoes on? Isn't it part of owning a retail store to allow your customers to try things on? Like I said I GET IT when I understand the retail world- it's frustrating to see customers being inconsiderate. But on the flip side, it's frustrating to feel unwelcome in a store. This is not the first time I have felt an icy chill from these two associates. I feel like I'm done with this place for a while.

Later that night I felt a tingle in the back of my throat. I hate getting sick...

Amy xoxo

"Loving You"
by Paolo Nutini

Back off loneliness, and hello tenderness
I've been waiting for your call for so long
It must have been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that your heart wants you to go
And as you slide through the door
with your morals on your sleeve
I think it's time for all those morals to leave
So let's get down and freaky baby
Let's get restless baby, come on get crazy with me

And I said
When you're loving me, I'm loving you
And I love your prowess in the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
and when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

So many people think we've got it wrong
They'll try to break us but we won't play along
so let's get down and dirty baby
Let's get restless baby
Come on get crazy with me

And I said
When you're loving me, I'm loving you
I love the prowess in the things that you do
And it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on, oh goin' on

I was so stranded
I was lost and abandoned
I needed another home
And you flew in my arms
You just flew right into my arms

And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
I love the prowess in all the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
and when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

When you're loving me, I'm loving you
And I love the prowess in all the things that you do
And it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on

It's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when you're loving me, I'm loving you
and that's when we've got it goin' on