Hey, guess what I found? Something juicy for you, painful but liberating for me! What could it be? A note... I write this now because I can. Whenever I think that maybe my writing won't help anyone, I think again. Because what if... it does?
***Names have been changed, because it's never my intention to hurt anyone***
Monday, September 14th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
I'm not very excited to be writing a journal to you because I feel like our marriage isn't going to make it any longer. I do however still love you and care about you as a person, so I want to help you on your journey to heal. I also have a lot to say to you. I don't want you to say I didn't try to save our marriage- because I did try. I feel like I've tried to change you and that's my fault for believing I could. You need to change for you because one day I might not be around and if I am your only motivation- then you will never change for you. I feel like at the beginning of our relationship you made me want to be a better person. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's with things such as temple attendance. Many of our bishops (2+) have counseled us to attend the temple together. I asked you to take me there on our date nights (Fridays). I've never been through the SLC, Rexburg, or Timpanogos temples- but I've brought our temple clothes plenty of times when we could have gone. I am done waiting for you. Yes, I am tired of going to church on my own, reading scriptures on my own, and attending the temple by myself- I feel like I am done with you as a husband because you had 3 1/2 years to show me what kind of man, husband and best friend you could be. Now you have the opportunity to change and you might for a while- but I don't think you will to the point where it will be enough. I feel like the controlling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will always be with you. I can't sacrifice my happiness anymore. I don't want to worry my husband will laugh when I tell him about an idea I have. I don't want to tell my husband about a mistake I made and have him freak out and yell at me. You may get better now and it may last for a while- but I don't think it will be permanent. We've already gone to counseling and the Bishop- you told them you would never hurt me again- but you did. And yes, you've hurt me- you've made bruises on me and marks. Jacob once asked me a question- What if you knew would only touch you 15 more times in your entire marriage- could you still be with him? I couldn't answer him then, but I can answer you now- no I cannot live that life. In Kentucky when you touched me in a physically controlling and abusive way- when you grabbed my face- you broke the spell you had over me. I was dumb for ever letting you touch me that way. Never again. I'm sorry we can't be together anymore. It was your choice to split us this way. You used me as your outlet for anger instead of relying on me as your partner. In reality- you have always tried to be above me by controlling everything. It's ironic because that is the one thing you said would end our marriage-
Amy
A look at more to come...
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us...
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day. I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me...
Thanks for visiting. I will write more later. This stuff isn't the easiest to revisit, but it certainly shows me how strong I am now.
Amy xoxo
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