Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
No one is perfect. We all deserve forgiveness. We deserve to have people not judge us now for the mistakes we have made in the past. I believe in these words yet I have not fully forgiven you. I know I will soon. I am mad at you for the hurt you have caused me and inflicted upon me, but it is not unforgivable. I do not know to what extent you have told the new Bishop what you have physically and emotionally done to me- but all I can know is that yes, the things you have continued to do are reasons for me to leave. You have pulled knives out and held them to your throat and threatened to kill yourself on many (several) occasions. I can remember going to bed those nights afraid if you were ever going to pull a knife out on me. I cannot go back to the past again. It is not only painful, but it is unsafe for me to do so. I need to forgive you so we can both move forward with our lives and heal. I know I have been a patient wife, friend, lover and woman when it came to you. I know I have done everything I could to be the best for you. I treated you so well and I didn't always get that same treatment back from you. Patience has been something I have practiced in our marriage and I feel like it is not something I need to practice any longer- you have ended our marriage by continuing your controlling and abusive behavior. Of course I have contributed to the outcome of our relationship as well. When I think of faults I have or the parts I played in our decline- they are hard for me not to admit- but to find. I have felt truly devoted to you. But I haven't found that to be the case with you. There were always friends you wanted to hang out with more than just you and me. When I would ask you if I could just be with you- it was always a hassle and a struggle. Sorry- not always but most of the time. You would want it your way. This journal isn't a way for me to tell you how awful you were- because we did have some good times and you were good to me at times- but I want you to understand my feelings, thoughts, and actions. I know you may not understand everything now, but you will. That's what's so sad for me. Now you say you're willing to change but it's too late- I don't trust you and I don't feel safe with you even though I am so close to forgiving you. Forgiveness and feeling safety and trust around you are not linked. I know it will be hard to be divorced from you because of the good times we had. It feels weird to say 'divorced'. I think that's the way I am leaning towards but I want to be sure. Tomorrow I plan on attending the temple- SLC. I have never been and what better way then to go there where our eternal partnership started. I feel like it will take a miracle to repair us- our relationship together. When I am on my own- I feel free to make the decisions that are the best for me. Sometimes when I am with you- I feel like you make selfish decisions that effect both of us. It feels good to have a choice. Right now I can do anything I want. No one to tell me my dreams are not important and can't come true.
Amy
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