He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named journal part three

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,

Today was the first day in two days it was sunny. I woke up and it was a beautiful day.  I went to the temple in SLC. Satan had plans for me today. There were a lot of roadblocks in my way which were preventing me from attending the temple. Just so you know there are good things I like about you- you spell very well. My anger towards you has subsided a bit. It's good to see you making progress. I have been making some as well. I feel like I have a lot to say tonight as well but all of my thoughts are random jumbles. Let me say this- I don't trust you. Bottom line, the thought of being alone with you is scary because I don't know if you will hurt me or not. That is not a healthy relationship. I have held out hope for you and I feel like that is why I have stayed with you for so long. I have faith anyone can change- I just don't know if I can wait for you. One side of me says- Eternity... I will wait for you forever- my husband is worth it. Another side says no, I'm sorry- you already had your chances and you blew it with me. I don't regret marrying you. So far I have learned a great deal about myself. I know what I am capable of. I am a lot stronger now than at the beginning of our relationship. Good and bad. I hate crying in front of you because you have made fun of me for doing so before. That will probably never change. And because of that- I have a wall built up between us. I will never be willing to break that wall down. This is just a sliver of the damage you have done. This is the price. In a way, you have directly created who I am today. I am not damaged beyond the point of repairs, but I am not whole. That is sad. I was given to you- call me a present. But you abused me and took me for granted. You don't know how much pain you have caused me. I am not prefect by any means- but I certainly haven't come close to affecting you nearly as negatively as you have to me. That is sad. We are not equals. It's going to take a while to be with you if that's what is going to happen and I don't know if I'm willing to follow you on that journey.

Amy