My mom and my sister are a lot alike (me and my dad are alike). Sometimes they can come across as abrasive with others because they know a lot and they don't shy away from that fact. I feel like because of my own personality, and because of those personalities which I was around, I learned how to be passive aggressive and at times assertive. My parents did their best to raise me to be assertive and to think for myself (same with Cindy and John and Liisa- they all taught me how to be assertive). I feel like because of my toxic marriage I took away some unwanted behaviors. This is one reason I have been reading this book called, The Assertiveness Workbook- to make sure I am who I want to be and not just a product of my past. I cannot blame my behavior now on others- past or present- because only I can control myself. I am actually quite proud of where I am at in my life.
I've been worried about my position at work since I started. I have never gotten along well with girls and that's who I work with- a bunch of females. So far it's been great but a bit of a struggle because let's face the facts- we all have egos.
I think I come across as someone other than who I am. Sometimes I feel like girls don't like me because they feel threatened by who I am perceived as and who I truly am. No matter why, they feel this way. I asked my gf Melissa about this today. She told me she has no idea why girls work against each other. NO IDEA. But it's true to some extent. But why?
There is this example I often think about. When Adam and I were dating, he had to explain to his family that I really am a genuine person... maybe I come across to some as a butt-kisser, a know-it-all, a bitch, or whatever... but I can assure you that I am a genuine person. If I give you a compliment, I mean it and I am not saying it to get any gain for myself. It's doesn't affect me any if your jeans look really good on you- I am happy for you though that your jeans make you look good! I never intend to hurt others but I can admit, I make mistakes and sometimes what I say comes across as skewed and all wrong- it's because I AM AWKWARD sometimes! And I am definitely not perfect and that is something I can admit freely. I admit that I am sensitive at times so I can understand that others may be sensitive to the comments I make.
I guess what I have to ask is, if I really make you that upset, upset enough to tell someone else about it or upset enough to make it fester inside of you- STOP... please come to me in a loving way and EXPLAIN to me about what I did or said that made you feel awful. Don't go around my back, tell others and have them come to me... that doesn't help either one of us. Either tell me or get over it... Deal? Maybe that's what separates my mediocre relationships from my greatest ones- we both know how to communicate with each other and we respect this process. If you really love me, if you care about me, you will do this for both of us. If not, don't get in my way from having a totally awesome life without you.
Amy xoxo
"Safe Without"
by Interpol
I'm not the hero out the gate
So much to feel, so much to gain
My higher reason will take pain
I'll be okay, I've got my shapes
We are not alone, we share our stake
And I think the winds all will be wonderful
I am safe without it
I am safe without it
I am safe without
Go alone, we'll spread the chase
To all the roller copter way
There's no allegiance left to take
These great big sheets disintegrate
You know water, you know water
I am safe without it
I am safe without it
I am safe without
I am safe without it
I am safe without it
I am safe without
I am safe without it
I am safe without it
But I feel all this way
Leaning on this way
As heel I heal
I'll do it again
Over and over and over and over
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