Cindy

Tuesday morning runs brings me great happiness. Text Stephanie to let her know I'll see her outside soon. Decide to check my email before my run. See my sister's travel itinerary. She flies into SLC on Wednesday- tomorrow! Surprise and elation fade into pain and sadness. I know the reason she is coming and it's not for a kindly visit. I don't know why but suddenly it hits me, like my brain had been deceiving me this whole time, trying to protect me. My sister changed her profile picture last night to one with me, Cindy and her in it. Now I find myself on Facebook looking at her wall, a post from Cindy's brother tells me she is gone. I don't want it to be true. Pain clutches my chest and and I can't breath because the air is going out of me in uncontrolled sobs. I become a baby in that single moment. I call Stephanie trying to hold it together. I can't run with her but I want to. I want to strap on my Nikes and run fast and far. I want to keep running and never stop. I don't want anything to catch me. When I am running, nothing can catch me (except for a Cheetah, but there are no Cheetahs in Utah so I am safe). I cry for 3 minutes. Not long. I want to cry longer but I have too many walls for the tears to flow over. I realize the tears are purely selfish ones. I want her to be alive and well but when she was alive, she wasn't well so that is selfish of me to want her here. She is pain free and preparing a way for me now. She is now my angel. Everyone has described her that way because that is how you describe a light so bright here on Earth, as an angel in Heaven.

Amy xoxo

"Maybe"
by Sick Puppies

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change